The Nose Knows

When I quit smoking a little over two years ago, a strange phenomena occurred. My sense of smell gradually became as sharp as a bloodhound’s. Seriously. I honestly think I may very well be able to find someone strictly by sense of smell. Well, ok, maybe not REALLY, but sometimes that’s how sensitive my nose seems to me.

Initially, it wasn’t that big of a deal. I already had read that when you quit smoking, your senses of both taste and smell improve dramatically. So I actually started testing that theory by sniffing the air or the laundry or whatever was sniffable to see if that little tidbit of information was correct. Turns out, it was. I kind of thought it was pretty neat that I could smell things I didn’t notice before, like very subtle cologne or the hint of garlic from the restaurant I was passing.

Unfortunately, as time went on, I swear to God my olfactory drive went on OVERdrive. In doing a little additional research, I found out that most women have a better sense of smell than men. So now I had two contributing factors in this issue. Maybe if I was a MAN, my newfound smell-o-meter wouldn’t be as distracting.

Because it is DRIVING ME CRAZY. I have already regaled you with the tale of the curry neighbors. Bad enough. But I can ALSO smell what the NEW neighbor downstairs is cooking. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but it usually smells burnt. Which is really no surprise, since he is a young single guy and I am actually surprised he cooks at all. But like the curry, the burnt-cooking smell permeates into my condo. At least – I think so. My daughter, not so much. We go through this routine: “Do you smell that??” “What, mom?” “That SMELL! They’re COOKING again! Is the downstairs door open?? CAN’T YOU SMELL IT??” At which point, Lexie gets up and opens our front door, fully letting in the maliferous odor. “AAAARRRGGHHHH!! I TOLD YOU!” Then she dutifully goes downstairs and opens the outside door and props it open with the stuffed cow doorstop. (Don’t ask, it’s been there since we moved in.) Once the outside door is opened and Lexie slams our front door, the ritual begins. First, I spray air freshener. Which only masks the cooking smell, and sometimes just makes it worse. So, I proceed to light the eighteen (yes, EIGHTEEN) scented candles while refusing to breathe through my nose. After about ten minutes, I will carefully attempt to breathe again nasally, and usually the scent at this point is a pleasant one of lilac blossom candles, and Glade Spring Sensation candles, and Wal-mart rose candles and a big three wick blue candle Lexie thought was pretty and smells very nice. Our house then LOOKS very pretty too, with the not-so-subtle eighteen-candle-glow, and the only problem we have then is kitties walking around swishing their tails by the flames. We watch them very carefully, because I am pretty sure the smell of cats on fire would be worse than that of either burnt dinner OR curry.

I also am manic about having my Glade plug-ins. And my air-freshening toilet roll dispenser. And the Arm&Hammer litter box deodorizer that I add every day to the litter box, even when it APPEARS clean and odor-free. I won’t buy shampoo unless it smells pretty. Same for body wash. In fact, I prefer Bath & Body Works body washes because they smell so pretty. With matching body sprays.

I have been awakened in the middle of the night by the smell of a skunk somewhere outside when I keep my window open in the spring or summer. I kid you not. I WAKE UP TO BAD SMELLS. And then I have a HELL of a time getting back to sleep – partially because I need to freshen the air again before I even attempt it.

As I mentioned, all of this started happening when I quit smoking – so guess which smell now bothers me MOST?? TIME’S UP!! Yes, people, the smell of cigarette smoke can literally bring on waves of nausea. Which is a big problem since my mom still smokes. Now, I know from being an ex-smoker that when you smoke, you truly cannot smell any of the cigarette smoke lingering in your home, on your clothes, in your car, or even simply in the air around you as you puff away. You are blissfully ignorant of that God-awful smell. BUT I AM NOT. Every time I go to my mom’s, when I get home I literally change my clothes and make Lexie change clothes and throw the stinky cigarette clothes DIRECTLY into the wash. And spray a healthy dose of Febreeze on our coats. Oh, and? Shower. IMMEDIATELY. Because I have long, thick hair and I don’t think I have to tell you what it smells like then. I cannot believe I ever subjected people to that horrid smell and apologize PROFUSELY for all the years I did. My only defense is I honestly had no idea. I love my mom, obviously, therefore I can’t escape her habit, but I am really hoping the veiled threat my brother issued scares her into quitting. What threat, you ask? “We will not bring your new grandson into your home as long as you are smoking.” OOOOOOOOOOOH! Yes, I know, it is a cruel and drastic thing to do to your own mother, but hey, it’s THEIR kid, and I can see their point. They don’t want my precious little nephew to be a victim of secondhand smoke. Or the stinky-stink. Also? Last week at work, a client brought in a stack of like 200 papers he wanted copied and returned. This client was apparently a pretty heavy smoker, since the papers REEKED. To the point I seriously almost gagged. When I returned his originals I had to immediately wash my hands. And put on pretty smelling hand cream, of course.

On the upside of this whole thing, though is that there ARE plenty of good smells out there, too. Which I never really noticed too much before. Like the smell of rain. And that new baby smell on my nephew (which my mom probably doesn’t notice – sorry, mom!). And the cucumber-melon smell of Lexie – she is really into cucumber-melon now. And the smell of a good Italian restaurant. Or bacon – I LOVE bacon!! Oh, and? The smell of the chlorine in the pool in the summer. And the coconut smell of suntan lotion. See? There are things I LIKE to smell, too!

But as for the icky smells… well, I’ve got my candles and my sprays and worst case scenario I still have my mouth to breathe through. So – are YOU smellin’, Magellan?