So to say I was a little freaked out when my cousin called to tell me that her adorable six year old autistic son had been drawing pictures of Aunt Dasi flying up to heaven to see Great Grandma & Poppops is an understatement. When she had the child himself leave me a message reiterating this fact, I got a little upset. I mean, really, who wants to hear that someone, ANYONE, keeps imagining you dead? Ok, so I'm sure throughout my not-so-perfect life there may have been occasions where certain people may have wished me dead, but I usually had done something to deserve the ill thoughts. Here was an innocent kid telling me that, at least in HIS mind, I would soon be drinking tea with Great Grandma in heaven. And I don't even LIKE tea. I guess I should be grateful at least that he saw me going up instead of down.
But then I had an epiphany. Maybe what he is seeing isn't really the death of dasi, per se - maybe it is the death of the OLD dasi. The dasi who hasn't been writing on a regular basis in years. The dasi who has allowed herself to gain weight and has gotten lazy with her workouts. The dasi who had become complacent, if not happy, with her routine of work, eat, sleep, work. The dasi who stoppped taking chances in life and preferred to stick with only what she knows.
I wouldn't mind at all if THAT dasi vanished.
Maybe this is a sign. I mean, think about it: Timmortal just published a book. So did Marissa. Cheryl is getting married. Linda GOT married. And Amber - married AND a baby. Alice is still writing - as far as I know. All my blogging buddies have been moving forward with their lives, and I seem to have come to a complete stop. I keep on telling people, "Oh, I know, I've been SO busy..." but really? Not so much. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, yes - raising a teenage daughter and working two jobs does count as being busy. But it never used to stop me before. And to be honest, as a teenager Lexie needs less attention than when she was younger (and she usually would prefer hanging out with her friends than with her mom!), so there is really no reason for this mental shutdown.
Just before I got my cousin's message, I bought myself a netbook. I told myself that having something to write with at all times would help me get my groove back. And guess what? Here I sit, on the train, writing. WRITING! And it feels good. I also did some half-assed exercises this morning. And packed a Lean Cuisine (which I hope hasn't expired) for my lunch, instead of checking to see if I had enough money for chicken Mc Nuggets. I re-hired my wonderful cleaning lady, and yesterday I came home to a spotless, beautiful house. Which funny as it sounds, really does improve your mood & general outlook on things.
Spring is in the air, and I am sensing a kind of rebirth. My next major step will be rereading TBOTE and trying to get that finished. One day at a time, I guess. But I have a really good feeling about this.
So thanks for the info Kar-Bear, I'm not as freaked out anymore. I know you meant no harm in telling me - and as it turns out, your instincts were right again. Tell my little guy he has inspired his Aunt Dasi to start moving forward again. And thanks.
Unless I get hit by a Mack truck while walking to work from the train station. Which I hope doesn't happen, because that would REALLY suck.
