Never Enough

So Howie Mandel was on Ellen the other day. And he is STILL frickin hysterical. Even though somewhere between “Bobby” and “Deal or No Deal” he shaved his head and became a germophobe. Anyway, he was obviously on the show to promote “Deal or No Deal,” which is a fascinating study in human greed.

I’ll admit, I have been suckered in. Which isn’t really saying much, since I pretty much watch anything on the neat little box they call tv. Watching those people is fun. Although to be honest, there are times that Lexie and I hit the fast forward button on the tivo to get past the small talk. Anyway, if you aren’t familiar with the show, you can check out the synopsis here. When you’re sure you understand, you can proceed.

So Ellen is talking to Howie and he is being his usual insane self, cracking Ellen and her studio audience (and Lexie and me) up. But then she asks him the following question about the show:

“So, Howie, what’s the hardest part about hosting ‘Deal or No Deal?’”

And his answer was so honest and funny, even Ellen initially couldn’t respond because she was laughing so much. He said this:

“Well, Ellen, I’ve had contestants who are like deep in debt, never owned their own home, have to put three kids through college, have sick parents… and I’ll say we’ll give you a QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS… and they’re all like, NO DEAL!!”

He shook his head in amazement and continued.

“I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and say ARE YOU NUTS???”

Which is exactly how I feel. I mean, watching these people passing up the amounts of money they do is so damn FRUSTRATING!! But then, when they wind up with only like $1,000, I have to laugh. Because THEY DESERVE IT. Morons. Wait, make that GREEDY morons.

The reason this show is so successful is because the network knows that people are by nature greedy SOB’s. That if given the opportunity, they will want more and more and more – even at the risk of losing it all. Now, I am not saying that they should take the first offer, or even the second, but when they are getting up there and the offers are in the six figures – TAKE IT!!! Look at the odds. If you honestly think the odds are in your favor to continue and maybe get a little more money, well, go for it. But don’t be stupid. As far as I’m concerned, if I am standing on that stage, I am doing good. If I walk out with $200,000 I’m THRILLED. Even if I walk out with that $200K and Howie tells me my case held the mil, I’d be ok. Know why? Because technically I never had the mil to begin with. I had NOTHING. I walked in with a fiver in my purse and am walking out with $200K. To me, that is pretty darn good. And because I know in my heart of hearts that even though Howie showed me that mil in my case, that if I had continued, somehow that number would’ve morphed into a penny when I opened it. That’s just how life goes.

There have been a couple of people who walked at smart times. Some of them could’ve won more, some left at the peak opportunity. But usually they keep going and going and going Energizer Bunny style until they realize just how badly they’ve f***ed up and look longingly at the previous banker’s offers. Morons. Happens to even the seemingly nicest people, though. I just don’t get it. We’re never happy with what we’ve got, are we?

Reminds me of a story I wrote when I was in second grade (yes, I was a writer from a very early age). I recently found it while going through some old things, and this seems like a good time to share. Paraphrased, it went something like this:

“There once were two worms who came upon an apple. One worm got very excited and started eating it as fast as he could, while the other worm ate very slowly, enjoying every bite. Pretty soon, the first worm had eaten so much of the apple that he started to split open. ‘Help me!’ he cried. But the second worm did nothing. ‘If you weren’t so greedy, you wouldn’t have split open,’ he said. ‘Now maybe you learned your lesson not to be greedy.’ And the first worm died.”

Ok, so maybe I was a bit morbid as a child, but the message is clear. Greed is bad. But if you want to find out just how greedy YOU are – you can play “Deal or No Deal” yourself. Let me know how much you wind up with.