The Beginning of the End, Part 28

Being back in Chicago was bittersweet. I wanted it to still feel like home, but in many ways, it didn’t. I felt like I had changed so much since I had been in Reno that I really didn’t fit anymore. But I went through the motions, telling sanitized versions of life in Reno and being the good daughter.

It was especially hard with my mother, who seemed to know there was something bothering me, but never outright asked. I doubted I would’ve told her anything even if she had, but I still felt like I was lying to her every time I smiled in her direction. I missed Kevin, and strangely enough, I missed Reno. For all the shit that had happened out there, it had become my home, and the happy middle-class family life had become foreign to me. Regardless, I still was able to play the role of loving daughter and sister to the hilt, even when I felt anything but loveable. I went to the family Christmas party on the day before Christmas Eve, and smiled and thanked my relatives who commented how much weight I had lost and how good I looked. I almost lost it when my grandmother hugged me and said, “We missed you, dolly.” And all the laughter and camaraderie was starting to make my head spin. I started to feel claustrophobic, I wanted to just drop down on the floor and put my hands over my ears and make everything go away. Nobody really knew me anymore, not who I was now. The girl who used to be a member of this family was gone, replaced by someone completely different. And pretending to be the old Dasi was killing me.

I participated in conversations in a fog, laughing when I was supposed to, responding to questions when asked, nodding to show I was paying attention. But I wasn’t. I just wanted to leave. Actually, what I wanted was a hit. It had been four days, and my heart was pounding just thinking about it. I had to get out of there.

I slipped away into a bedroom and picked up the phone. The numbers came to me immediately, I was always good with remembering phone numbers. An old friend of mine and Kevin’s picked up after the second ring.

“Dasi! I thought you and Kevin were in Reno!”

“We are. I mean, HE is, I’m home on vacation.”

“I see. So, what can I do you for?”

In a matter of minutes, it was all arranged. My friend was going to pick me up at my aunt’s house and we would go out and party. I returned to the family and said my goodbyes.

Nothing personal, I assured them, but with only being in town for a week, I really wanted to catch up with some girlfriends. There were kisses and hugs and “Merry Christmas-es” and “I Love You’s” and they went by in a blur as my mind focused on the rest of the night. I informed my parents not to wait up, and went outside to wait.

It was chilly outside and I watched my breath in little puffs as I waited for him to show up. Finally, I saw headlights slowly moving down the block, and I ran out to the curb. The car came to a stop, and Chris opened the door for me with a smile.

“Really needed a hit, huh?” he smirked.

“You ain’t kidding,” I muttered.

And we were off. We went up to P’s, had a few drinks, and socialized. I wasn’t too surprised when I noticed that Aaron was still the man in charge when it came to what I wanted. He caught my eye, and I lifted my beer and nodded, which caused him to smile. I wasn’t sure if he ever found out I was the one behind his bust, but I was jonesing too much to care. Chris eventually made his way over to Aaron and they slipped out the back. A few minutes later, Chris returned with a smile, and we headed to his place.

My anxiety melted away as the smoke filled my lungs. The hours passed as Chris and I talked about Reno, and mutual friends here in Chicago, and got high. When everything was gone, he drove me back home and I hugged him tight.

“Thanks, Chris.”

“Hey, no problem. Merry Christmas, and say hi to Kev. Take care of yourself.”

I watched the car disappear and then tried to focus on my housekeys. I made as little noise as possible, and crept into bed at 4:15 am. But my head was still spinning and my heart was still racing. I tossed and turned until I heard my mom moving around in the kitchen and saw the sun begin to shine through my blinds, then I finally fell into a restless sleep.

At noon, my mom knocked lightly on my door. For an instant I forgot where I was, then I sat up groggily.

“Hey,” she said. “What time did you get in last night?”

I yawned. “About 4:00. Me and Diane sat up talking like forever.”

She looked at me, seemingly searching my eyes. I looked away. “Ok, then. How’s she doing?”

“Fine,” I responded cheerily. “So, I didn’t sleep through Christmas Eve, did I?”

“Nope. We’ll have dinner around 6:30, and presents after. You don’t have any other plans, do you?”

I shook my head. “Of course not. Only, Kevin is going to call about six. But I’ll be done in time for dinner.”

My mom smiled. “Ok. It’s good to have you home, Dasi. I really wish you’d reconsider and stay…” she broke off, and I looked away. She started to walk out, then turned. “Are you sure everything is ok?”

I saw the love and concern in her eyes, and almost screamed out, “NO! It’s not ok! I party too much and I can’t stop but I love Kevin… Things in Reno are hell and I was raped and we live in a motel and I just want to make it all stop…”

But instead I gave her a sleepy but convincing smile.

“I’m fine, mom. You just worry too much.”

She smiled back. “I guess. But that’s what mothers do.”

I watched her walk out and felt my chest tighten. The tears came without warning, silent and hot. I hugged the teddy bear I still slept with at home and thought, “Mommy, I’m here… help me…” But I knew those words would never be spoken.