Ohhh, yes, it was a bad day yesterday. Thanks for all the helpful comments. I think what I really need is a vacation - a ME vacation (no offense darling daughter who doesn't read this blog anyway). But that probably won't happen any time soon. Well, possibly in September - but I need it NOW. I'm tired of trying to keep everyone happy and pretending like I am just peachy-keen. I'm tired of resenting the people I work with even though I DO like them. I'm tired of not saying how I am REALLY feeling and letting people walk all over me. Basically, I am just plain TIRED.
Even though I am better today, I still have all those feelings. They don't really go away. I just repress them better on most days. Which is what I am pretty darn good at. Yesterday while I was driving back to work, after I had dropped Lexie off at home, I found myself practically in tears. From frustration, from anger, from anxiety - you name it. But what struck me at that moment, REALLY struck me, was that I WANTED to just cry. I wanted to cry my eyes out like a baby and whine and complain and have someone be there for me to just listen and not judge, give me the pity I wanted at that moment, and just let me get it all out of my system. And the sucky thing? I don't have ANYONE I can do that with. And I started wondering when I lost all my friends. Which made me even more depressed.
Ok, the truth is, I HAVE friends, but I don't have a friend who I can TOTALLY be myself with. Who won't freak out if I cry, or tell me to snap out of it, or tell me how I am such a great person when I feel like shit, or a strong person when I feel totally weak. Well, I have one person like that, but she is in Michigan, and I really don't feel like driving 3 1/2 hours when I need a good cry. So one person who is like forever away. Yay me. All my life I have had "best friends," the kind you can completely trust and lean on. All. My. Life. But for some reason, I really don't anymore. I think my downfall was dating Kevin, although even during my druggie years I had a best friend. She and I used to talk about getting straightened out (while we were high, of course), and about cute guys, and about the old days and sometimes go out just the two of us. We lost touch while I got clean, then got back in touch after SHE got clean, but then there was an "issue" that pretty much ended things for good involving our kids. Long story, another time. Anyway, I would have to say she was my last "best friend."
I have to wonder if the reason I don't have a best friend is similar to the reason I don't have a boyfriend: fear. It's not easy when you have as much baggage as I do to just open up. Well, ok, it's easy on the computer, we've established that. But to let your guard down in front of another human being and expose your vulnerabilities and trust that they won't turn and run screaming into the night is a different story entirely. Yet I used to be able to do just that. And my best friend wouldn't run. Ann didn't run in grammar school, Marilee didn't run in high school, Amy didn't run in college, Angie didn't run after college, Julie didn't run in the "lost years..." Diane never ran - but again, SHE'S IN MICHIGAN, DAMMIT.
I love my mom to death, but she's my mom, and she loves me too much to do anything but BE a mom. Which means when I try to talk to her, it doesn't work out too well. Nobody's fault, it's just that mom tries too hard to make everything ok or takes things too personally and sometimes things get even worse. Even my closest friends who live nearby are wonderful to have, but still... there's just something missing that won't let me turn into a blubbering mess around them - BIG prerequisite for being a best friend. Plus, I usually feel like my feelings don't really matter much anyway. Everyone else has their own lives and their own problems, who am I to complain, right?
Ahhh, the pity pot. My ass fits so well on it sometimes. Like now. Poor me. (Not.) Sorry for this self-indulgent post. I promise to get back to more interesting reading tomorrow. And put a stop to the pity-party. Honest.
7 comments:
We're, colelctively, are your best friends. Because you can tell us all of this. But it's not the same, I know.
You are so right about opening up in person. Just Sunday, I ended up telling three women I know (one of them I have known for a couple years) about my "secret" (you know it from my blog) and I immediately wanted to crawl under the table, or run away, or go back in time five seconds and undo it. So I totally get that.
Keep blogging, take some time for yourself, even if it's just a bubble bath or glass of wine. Call your friend in Michigan.
Hey Dasi.
I've had a lump in my throat for 2.5 years now. I know exactly what you're saying. Do I know what to say though? No. And I'm sorry.
Sending you a virtual hug and an eye ball instead of a shoulder.
Deirdre.
You know who your "virtual" friends are. And the thing is, some of us aren't even virtual -- we're truly your friends. We know you and like you a lot. YOU're an extremely caring person who loves her firends, and that's the best thing you can be. Plus, everyone has baggage -- anyone who says they don't is lying.
*Mwah* Love you, my friend!!
i completely identify with your struggle here. relationships, whether friendships or romantic, are exceedingly difficult.
wow, i am realizing as i write this that i have so much to say on this topic, that i don't know where to begin.
it is hard to get close to people, or let people get close to you when you feel like there is so much between you.
but, being someone who takes everything to heart and always thinks that people see all my flaws, i hope you realize that people probably see so much in you, so many wonderful attributes, real things that are truly your essence. maybe knowing that offers some comfort and makes you feel a little less alone. because i know that feeling as well. be well, dasi. smile.
Quit being tired, send your Chapters in to be published. You have an EXCELLENT, page turner....
i soooo know what you mean... i've realized recently i don't have that standard best friend who you call when you leave work to tell dumb stories to, or the person i can call first when a weird guy hits on me in the subway... just that person who you know you can always call and is always there. mine all moved away. it SUCKS and while of course me and your virtual friends are here for ya, i know what you mean, it just ISN'T the same. :-(
i recently wrote back to an ad i saw on CL written by a girl saying "does any one else have trouble making girl friends in this area?" and went out to a happy hour with her and all the girls who wrote back to her post... it's pretty neat, since we're all totally nice normal girls, who for whatever reason need more good girl friends in the area. hopefully it amounts to something... :-)
I definitely understand not being able to be completely ME to anyone. I think Cheryl's right, we're collectively your best buds!
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