A Bizarre Moment of Clarity

So last night I had a moment of clarity. It was the strangest thing, considering the television show that brought this moment of clarity to light. Now, I have made no secret of the fact that I am a tv junkie, and watch everything from soaps, to talk shows, to dramas, to sitcoms, to reality tv. Some I have no problem admitting I watch, others have me sheepishly smiling if confronted about. This particular show is definitely a “sheepish smile” show. But even so, in order to explain my moment of clarity, I’ll have to name the show. So here it is.

“The Flavor of Love.”

Ok, you can all stop laughing right now, those of you who are familiar with the show, and for those of you who aren’t, here’s a synopsis: Take “The Bachelor” and replace the good looking, successful stud with Flavor Flav of Public Enemy. You know, the guy with the crunk teeth and the oversized clock around his neck who is usually wearing a viking helmet, too. Anyway, I started watching this show for the same reason people rubberneck at major car accidents: morbid curiosity. And then I just couldn’t stop. My coworker was just as bad, the two of us would make fun of the women, laugh at Flav and place odds on whose “time would be up” on the next episode. So basically, it was a guilty pleasure for about two months.

Then last night, I was minding my own business, watching the season finale, when it happened. Flav and one of the last girls standing, Hoopz, were laughing and having fun on the beach, then were playing in the water, then went to dinner and were so damn comfortable with each other. She gave him a goofy gift (an “ass-tray” – like an ashtray with a butt in it) and he loved it. The two of them were like big kids, neither one playing a role, both of them just enjoying the other’s company. Now, I realize I’m talking about Flavor Flav and some hot young girl half his age he really has no business being involved with, but even so, they just seemed so perfect together. Whether it was all a set-up by the producers (which for some strange reason, I really doubt) or the “real thing” (oh, if you could’ve seen their SMILES!), it really got me. Because you know what? THAT’S WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR.

Ok, just to clarify, I do NOT want an aging rapper with gold teeth, but I DO want someone who I can be relaxed with. Who I can be myself with. Someone who I can be with while ALL my walls are down. Watching Flav and Hoopz made me almost jealous. Because they seemed so natural (which is odd for any reality show, let alone this one). So often people ask me “Well, what exactly ARE you looking for?” and I never know how to answer. Well, now I do. I want someone who I can be me around. Someone who I don’t feel like I have to impress, because he already loves me for me. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who can tell what I’m thinking without me even saying a word. Someone who I can hug spontaneously who will hug me back and smile. Someone who I can invite over even when I haven’t showered yet and am just lounging around in sweats with my hair in a ponytail and no makeup on. Someone who will let me cry during a sad tv show or movie, and not make fun of me. Someone who I can trust implicitly, who will listen to my feelings and not laugh. Someone who will know me enough to back off if I am feeling moody, but will also know me well enough to not let me wallow too long.

That is probably why I am still single. Because I haven’t found anyone like that yet. Well, actually, I did, once, but it fell apart for bigger reasons. I honestly think Kevin was the only guy I ever dated that I was 100% comfortable with. At least, in the beginning. It’s hard to feel comfortable with ANYONE in the situation we wound up in together. It’s a shame, really, because I miss that closeness. I started to tear down my walls with Andy back in 2000, until he referred to “There’s Something About Mary” as a vulgar, disgusting movie. You never saw ANYONE mortar bricks faster after that comment. Hypothetically speaking, of course. And Mr. South Side? Come on! I may have “hung out” with him on several occasions, but I never did anything more than peek over the wall now and then.

It’s not an easy thing for someone like me to open up so completely. And I’m not talking about on this blog, either. This is easy – usually. Writing to people I know but don’t know, who don’t have the ability to hurt me – that’s easy. Putting my heart on the line and exposing the real me in person is a lot harder. I have a lot of apprehension about being “not good enough,” or “too SOMETHING.” I seem to forget the fact that if it is “right,” neither of those will matter, because I will be loved unconditionally.

Wow. Unconditional romantic love is something I haven’t really even bothered to hope for lately. But thanks to my bizarre television habits, I have come to realize that it is something I really, really want. As complacent as I have become in my life, I don’t want to give up the dream of finding my soulmate. I don’t think I will do anything extreme to find that person, but I think I will start being a bit more open. And maybe taking down one brick at a time will help, too.

So thanks, Flav.