The Beginning of the End, Part 36

It didn’t take as long as I thought it would, considering the amount. Melanie and “the three amigos” returned laughing and talking. Melanie held two large ziploc bags, one with a large amount of cooked rocks, the other with an equally large amount of powder. She tucked the powder package into the waistband of her jeans, and opened the bag of rocks.

We circled around her like hungry vultures as she doled out nice sized chunks to each of us. “Now, we’re not going to do ALL of this,” she reminded us. “And Bobby, you need to find people who want to buy.”

But Bobby was already busy filling his pipe and taking the first hit of the evening. Melanie sighed and sat down next to me. I was breaking off a smaller piece of the chunk she had given me, I wanted to make mine last. I looked over at her and saw that she was just watching me.

“You ok?” I said, pausing in my little ritual of getting high.

She shrugged. “I guess. It’s just that sometimes…” She looked around the room at Bobby, Marc and Kevin. Bobby and Kevin had already done their first hit, and Marc was busy preparing his rock to slam, needle in his mouth as he worked diligently. All three seemed to be in their own worlds, with Melanie and I just observers. I felt a chill as I realized that once I did my hit, I would be the same zombie they were. But it wasn’t enough to stop me.

I looked down at the pipe I was holding, and avoided Melanie’s eyes. “Just take a hit, you’ll feel better.” I hated saying that, hated the fact that even though I wanted to tell her to run, to get out, to start over, I knew that the bottom line was that tonight was supposed to be “party night.” And I didn’t want her to ruin my rush.

“You’re right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said with a shake of her head, following my lead and loading up a pipe of her own.

As I lit my pipe and tilted my head back to inhale, I closed my eyes and just let go. Let go of all the thoughts swimming in my head – let go of me. When there was no more smoke to be had, I lowered the pipe and held my breath. The longer you held the smoke in, the better the rush. I looked at my watch and decided to time the hit, to hold it for as long as I could. I could feel my heart pounding, and my head started to throb as well. I think I could be popping a blood vessel in my brain, I thought crazily. I could be killing myself right now… then woosh – I exhaled in a coughing fit that brought tears to my eyes.

Kevin came rushing over to my side. “You ok?” he asked nervously.

Between coughs, I laughed. “Yeah. Too big of a hit, I guess.” But the truth was I had just held it too long. Thirty seconds. And the craziest part? I wanted to do it again. And again. I wanted to deprive myself of the oxygen that kept me alive to hold in the smoke that could kill me. I wanted to throw my life into the hands of fate, to see just how far I could push the envelope..

I looked around and noticed Marc was gone. I wondered if he was wandering around the house or had actually gone outside. I hoped he hadn’t left and drawn attention to himself, but then again, a part of me didn’t care. Bobby was leaning close to Melanie and kissing her cheek as he subtly reached into the bag of rocks she was holding. She didn’t even seem to notice the maneuver.

“I’m going to make some calls. Melanie wants to sell some of this shit, and I think I can get her some buyers,” Kevin informed me.

“Are you leaving?” I asked with surprise.

“No, no,” he reassured me. “She told me to just have people come on by.”

“Are you sure that’s smart?” I wondered aloud, thinking that a line of junkies at a ritzy house may cause some alarm.

“It’s not that many people. Just a couple of guys I know from around.”

I rolled my eyes. Whatever. It wasn’t my business. Whatever happened, happened. I did another hit and again timed it. Thirty seconds again. It was amazing how much stronger the rush was.

The night seemed to blur as people started filing in and out, and I watched as Melanie passed out rock after rock, but seldom took in any money. She had given me a substantial amount, and I had retreated to a corner and enjoyed my buzz by myself as I occasionally watched the others. I saw her pass the bag of powder to Bobby and Kevin at one point, and it was only when I had run out myself that I noticed she was crying.

The so-called “customers” had long since gone, and Bobby, Kevin and Marc were tweaking on the other side of the room. I could feel my jaw moving back and forth from the drug and I still was feeling my last hit as I moved over next to her. The sunlight was pouring in the windows and I realized it was morning, and probably had been for the past few hours. I had no idea how much coke I had smoked, how much all of us had smoked, but I knew it had to be a lot.

“Hey,” I said uncertainly, “You ok?”

The tears rolled silently down her face as she anxiously patted her waistband, her legs, her back pockets. “It’s all gone,” she said with disbelief.

“What?” I asked, not sure I had heard her.

She looked up at me with despair in her eyes. “It’s all gone. All of it. And I only have…” she pulled out some crumpled bills and counted to herself. “Twenty-two dollars?”

Wow. We had gone through two thousand dollars worth of drugs. In one night. We couldn’t have… could we? Just the five of us? But then I remembered the parade of people, the laughter, the drug-induced generosity of Melanie, the subtle swiping by Bobby…

“This was supposed to be our ticket to a new place,” she moaned sadly. “We were going to start over. Bobby said we could have a better life, that tonight would be the last night of partying.” The tears fell more freely now.

I felt my heart aching for her. Because I knew. I knew exactly how she felt. I knew she really believed deep down that Bobby loved her, that this plan would work. That they could party all night one last time and then start over. Because I used to believe it too. But it never happened that way. Just like me, she had caught herself in a trap that was nearly impossible to escape. Only she was just sixteen.

Silently, I went up to Kevin and motioned toward Melanie.

“What’s wrong with her?” he whispered.

“It’s all gone. And she didn’t make any money.”

His eyebrows went up in shock. “You’re kidding!”

I shook my head. “I think we ought to get home now. All of us. Please Kev, get us out of here.”

Kevin rounded up Marc and Bobby, and I went and took Melanie’s hand. My high was rapidly disappearing, and I didn’t care. Melanie was still crying and I just wanted to leave and pretend everything was ok. Because I was getting very good at pretending.

We locked up the house and drove back to the motel in silence. When we arrived, Marc went home and Melanie and Bobby disappeared into their room. Kevin and I spent the rest of the day sleeping in spurts, since he was off work and I was technically now unemployed. I had decided to go in with him the next day and apply for a job at the casino. He seemed to think I had a good chance of getting it, and I wouldn’t have to deal with any people who knew. I tried to concentrate on my new beginning, and forget the tear stained face of Melanie from that morning.

But I never got that picture out of my head, and we never saw Melanie or Bobby again after that day. I only hoped that she had decided to go back home, to be a teenager again, but my gut told me otherwise. And my gut also told me that I needed to move on – that a job at the casino could be just what I needed.