The Beginning of the End, Part 17

We never saw Mike again after that night. Like the rocks he threw across the room, he seemed to have vanished into thin air. The phone number Matt had for him was disconnected, and deep down I hoped maybe he had found his strength in something other than drugs.

Kevin had finally landed a job at the same casino Matt worked at, and things were going well for me at Olive Garden. My co-workers were friendly and outgoing, and often times after work I would change out of my uniform and hang out in the bar area talking and laughing. It really felt good to be with these people, but deep down inside I was terrified that they would find out the truth about my life behind closed doors. I turned down several invitations to go to bars or parties, and for obvious reasons never gave out my phone number. Because of this, even though I was well-liked and accepted, I could sense the curiosity in certain people.

One night after an extremely long shift, I sat at the bar with one of the other waitresses, Shelley, and we began talking. She was a single mom in her mid-thirties who was struggling to make ends meet, and told me how difficult life was. She wasn't really complaining, just sharing, and because of her honesty, I felt my walls begin to crumble. I wound up confiding in her about Kevin, and our living situation, and even the drugs. She listened with a sympathetic ear, and didn't appear too shocked. I explained to her that I really didn't have a problem, but it worried me that Kevin might be headed in that direction. And that he really needed me to take care of him. After I finished, Shelley licked her lips and looked at me intently.

"Are you happy?" she asked quietly.

My eyes filled with tears almost instantly. "Of course!" I replied, despite the tears that threatened to spill out any second.

She gave me a sad little smile and shook her head. "Dasi," she said, "if there is one thing I've learned in my life, it's that you should never stay in a situation that you're not happy in. It would've been easier to stay with my husband, sure, but I wasn't HAPPY. As tough as things are now, I've got my kids, and I'm not dealing with his cheating or his lies, and I'm HAPPY." She leaned in and put her hands on my shoulders. "Girlfriend, you do not look happy to me."

I turned away from her and wiped my eyes furiously. "You don't even know me." I said angrily. "I shouldn't have said anything. I AM happy. I love Kevin, and I AM happy!"

She shrugged. "Ok, then. You're happy. Make sure you stay that way."

"I will!" Then I looked up at her. "I'm sorry, Shelley. It's just... I mean, sure it's hard now, but things are going to change. He's working now - that's a big step. Yeah, maybe we still party some (and PLEASE don't tell anyone!) but someday we'll stop, and probably get married, and have a WONDERFUL life."

Shelley gave me a big hug, and I wanted to just stay there and cry. Because what she had said had hit me hard. Was I happy? If I were being honest with myself, I would have to say I wasn't sure. But the bottom line was that I had made my bed, and I was determined to lie in it. And even though those nagging fears kept popping up, I still was convinced that things were starting to turn around.

Shelley became my confidant, my friend, and although there were still some things I felt I couldn't tell her, she was always there for me. She was like a big sister, something I never had, and I really missed her at work when our shifts didn't overlap. As for my life, it was going on as it had been: working, partying, sleeping, working, partying, sleeping.

With Kevin now employed, and three incomes between us, we should have been considering an actual apartment by that time. But we weren't. In fact, we seemed to have even less money than before, which could have been due to the fact that Kevin had buddied up to some major dealers in town. We were partying more and more, and although I was still functioning, it was beginning to take its toll.

I had lost an extreme amount of weight since I had been to Reno, and not in a healthy way. I had started only eating when I worked, and barely eating there. Kevin and Matt each got a meal every shift, so they ate at work too. Although Kevin and Matt tended to drink their beers while getting high, I stuck to water. I was beginning to look the part of a junkie, although I wouldn't face it.

The hotel we had been living in suddenly became more than we could afford, and the paranoia of people walking in the halls while we were partying convinced us we had to move. We found a motel right next to the casino Matt and Kevin worked at, and found it was (for the time being) a perfect fit. No phone again, and only one bed, but Matt made due with a foldaway cot, and besides, the only time he was really home anymore was when we were partying. And he usually was tweaking so much he had to go out for a walk immediately after that - sometimes not coming home until the next day.

I started picking up more shifts to pay for our habits, barely sleeping, but getting high to make it through the day. Shelley noticed, and called me on it, but I told her I was fine. I decided I would try to cut back a bit because she was right, and my body was beginning to fall apart from exhaustion and partying.

I talked to Kevin about it one night before he went out to score. I cried and shook and told him we needed to slow down, that things were getting out of control. Matt wasn't home yet, and for the time being we were both sober. Kevin looked me in the eyes and said, "Dasi, I love you. If you want us to chill, we'll chill." I hugged him tightly and my tears turned from tears of fear to tears of relief. "Tell you what," he said, "let's take the money we were going to spend and go out to dinner instead."

And we did. We actually had a great time, and it was just like when we first met. We talked, and laughed, and after dinner went into the casino and played rolls of nickels at the poker machines and drank free beers. My heart finally started to beat normally again, and even though neither of us hit on the machines, I still felt like a winner.

We walked home, and were still laughing when we opened the door to the room. But our laughter stopped abruptly when we saw Matt hitting the pipe and a blonde guy tightening a belt around his upper arm.

The blonde guy looked up at us. "Dude!" he said with a laugh. "Ready to party?"

Although I didn't recognize him, apparently Kevin did. The whole night was forgotten in Kevin's reply. "Dude," he said with a grin. "Save some for me."