Soooo Tired

It’s happening again. Satan has used his powers of evil to beat me down, to treat me like a f***ing six-year-old, to make my face flush hotly and the tears threaten to spill out of frustration and anger, to make me feel stupid. He’s very good at what he does, I have to give him that much. Never mind that I busted my ass making a spreadsheet to show exactly how a certain quack is defrauding our office and the insurance company (“Why would you do something like this? Next time, ASK me before just ASSUMING!”). Of course, he WANTED me to get all the info and give it to him. Which I did, and tried to make it simpler to understand by making the spreadsheet. But that is NOT what I am here do. Unless, of course, I DID just give him all the info, THEN I’m SURE he would’ve wanted the spreadsheet.

And I had a helluva morning rushing around and trying to get an errand out of the way before work. To my dismay, the gods of the grocery store were NOT on my side, and I wound up running late for work. Which I never am. In fact, I am usually a good 15 minutes early. In stark contrast to my coworker M (who I love dearly and really don’t care what she does) who is routinely 10 to 20 minutes late every day. But you see, Satan usually comes in later in the morning – at the earliest around 9:00. We are supposed to be in at 8:30. So he has no idea of M’s indiscretions – or MY early bird tendencies, obviously, since when I practically ran in at 8:43 (and saw M sitting at her desk – on time for once), I was immediately summoned to the office from Hell. “You DO realize that you need to be ON TIME for work…?” Deep breaths. Deep breaths. “Yes, and I apologize for running late today. Which is not normal for me, since I am usually here by AT THE LATEST 8:15 every morning, you can ask the girls in reception.” And I walked out, back to my desk. Mini point for me, I guess, but I was still pissed.

Then I got to be the brunt of the old “Why are you sending this lien to so-and-so? Are we suing THEM?” game. I’m swamped with work, trying to organize myself, and to be honest, I was drawing a blank. “We sent the liens out to all the people on the sheet the last time,” I demurred, uncertain how to respond. Rolling of eyes. Disgusted lowering of arm holding offending lien. “Look, I KNOW you know this… When we SEND a LIEN to a CORPORATION, we send it to…” trailing off the sentence, talking to me like a f***ing second grader. I am 37 years old, thank you very much, and I don’t have time for your stupid demoralizing games. Just TELL me who you want it sent to, and I’ll send the damn thing. “The president of the company?” I venture a guess. SIGH. “NO, Dasi, we DON’T. Try again.” I am so busy trying to keep my head from exploding that I am afraid to open my mouth. “The registered AGENT…?” he says snidely, dropping the papers on my desk, shaking his head and walking away. Yes, dear readers, I am a complete and utter idiot. I am apparently too stupid to even do my job properly.

Here’s the thing – I am starting to believe his poison. I am really starting to think that I AM stupid, that I AM worthless, and that I deserve to be talked down to on a regular basis. I am struggling every day both at home and at work, and the self-esteem bashing is effecting my personal life too. I am yelling at my poor daughter for no reason other than frustration (albeit apologizing immediately after), I am stressing over finances yet keep on spending (but in my defense, mostly on necessities like oh, I don’t know, FOOD and UTILITIES and MORTGAGE…) while the Loser laughs away in Florida spending the $35K in back support he owes Lex, not to mention the current support he isn’t paying, and I am starting to seriously wonder what the point of life is, anyway… It’s the same old ugly routine day after day, work, sleep, work, sleep… even supposedly enjoyable things are no longer enjoyable, because all I can think about is the fact that soon the day will be over and I’ll have to go back to work.

The most pathetic thing about all of this? I brought it all on myself. Not to brag, but I KNOW I am a highly intelligent person. I have a near genius IQ and was an honor roll student in AP classes my whole life. But I made stupid (emphasis, again: STUPID) decisions that basically screwed up my whole life. The first was goofing off in a Big Ten college and not even finishing the first year. The rest are chronicled in TBOTE. In any case, I think the thing that pisses me off most is that I should be the damn LAWYER. Not the paralegal who is there to bow and scrape and kiss ass. I should be making ten times more money and have people working for ME. But I messed up – and I’ll be paying for it forever.

Three weeks and he leaves for vacation. To Paris – and I understand there are still a lot of bad things happening there. Now, I would NEVER wish harm on another human being, but in this case… No, I won’t even stoop to that level. I’ll be happy enough with him out of the country for two and a half weeks.

I apologize for the pity party, and if you got to this part, I thank you for letting me vent. I just… I don’t know. That’s the thing – I just don’t know anymore. About anything. I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I don’t even do drugs anymore – go figure. Hopefully this too shall pass – I’m just hoping that happens sooner rather than later.