Well, since I forwarded my reunion survey and included a link to my humble blog, it appears I have indeed attracted several new visitors. And I also received several e-mails from old classmates, all of which I greatly appreciated. One of said e-mails included the line “you seem to have done well for yourself.” When I saw that, I actually laughed out loud. Because, well, I never really thought I did. I mean, here are my fellow classmates, pretty much all of whom are married, with happy families, college degrees up the wazoo, impressive job titles and hobbies and interests – and then there’s me. Still single (although I’m really not complaining too much about that – well, usually!), dropped out (ok, advised to leave) college without receiving any fancy letters after my name, paralegal with no paralegal certification (read – intelligent, yet glorified secretary) slash Red Lobster waitress who has more shows on my tivo than time to watch. And not because I have no time, mind you, but because I am hooked on EVERY tv show created. Almost.
But then I started thinking… maybe I didn’t do well for myself in conventional terms, but in the grand scheme of things, I guess I did. Because of my little detours through life, I have faced more obstacles than most people ever will. I went from the Catholic school honor roll student to the high school/college wannabe “cool” girl (but instead was just the hanger-on who put up with all the teasing and “joking around” just to be accepted) to the even more insecure girlfriend of a drug addict to a drug addict myself… and then finally to a survivor. A survivor in the truest sense of the word – because I fought like hell to overcome my addiction and build a life for myself and my daughter on my own. In recovery I met a lot of people, and the sad truth is that a lot of them never managed to completely kick the habit. I’ve been to the funerals of several. I’ve heard nightmarish stories about others. And I thank God that I was able to stay clean. And? I pray for the strength to stay clean. Because even almost a dozen years later, I don’t know what I would do if anyone offered me a hit. Or a line. Sure, I drink, I don’t believe one addiction necessarily constitutes abstinence from everything, but I have never put myself in a position where I may have to test my resolve where cocaine is concerned. Scary thing is, working at Red Lobster especially puts me in a place where I know damn well there may be a situation thrown at me involving coke, since most of my coworkers are just slightly (ha!) younger than me, and I remember how invincible twenty-somethings feel. Not that I hang out with them or anything, (although I did go to a party once… that is one story I’ll have to share!) but if I do go to a party or something I have to remember where I came from and act accordingly.
Wow – that was heavy stuff. I guess what I’m trying to say while I sidetrack myself is that I did do well for myself. I’m proud of the person I am, the employee I am, the mother and sister and daughter I am. I’m proud of what I accomplished, even though to some it may not seem like much. Because I did it myself – busted my ass, in fact. And will continue to do so because that’s the kind of person I am.
Oh, and? If any of the hostesses from RL are reading this – you do think I’m pretty cool, right? Because my daughter told me you were only being nice to me because I am old. Which I’m not, of course. Old, that is. I am so definitely cool.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Just Another Excuse...
…for not writing more. But at least it’s a cute excuse – I broke down and got that puppy last Saturday. Her name is Ginger and she is a sheltie mix – all of about 7 pounds right now. Baby and Ace seem to be getting along with her a bit better lately – that’s Ace in the pictures with her. Of course, she is now chewing everything – including the cats, so they aren’t very happy with her currently! We had a little scare with her over the weekend, she had a case of kennel cough that developed into “puppy pneumonia,” but after $254 in vet bills and two different kinds of antibiotics, she seems to be doing well. Anyway, with two cats, two jobs, a puppy and a daughter, my sanity level is deteriorating rapidly!
I figured I ought to update, even briefly, since I put a link to this on my grammar school reunion survey. So if there are any St. Monica alums reading this – HI!!! And I hope you enjoy my ramblings. For the rest of you, my 25 year Grammar School Reunion is rapidly approaching, and I am really looking forward to it. It’s been a lot of fun getting things organized, my friend and I were picking out music the other night and cracking up at some of the old songs. Of course, Lexie just rolled her eyes and made fun of us AND our music. But really, what does an 11 year old know, anyway, right??
Funny thing is, it’s been kind of bittersweet, because memories have a way of twisting up your insides and making you do silly things like play the “what if” game… Obviously, my regular readers know my background – my fellow alums will probably be a bit shocked when (or if) they ever read “TBOTE,” but looking back makes you regret the mistakes and long for second chances. Which I know is really ridiculous, because I am a firm believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING. And you can’t go back, anyway, so there’s really no use in regrets or “if only’s.” But still… And you should see my old classmates! Well, on paper, at least! It’s really great to know how happy and successful they all seem. Which has a tendency to coax out that annoying little voice that whispers “God, and look at what a loser you turned out to be!” I hate that voice. Because it’s not true – but it still can make you feel insecure at the most inconvenient times.
I guess it’s pretty normal though, to be worried as being perceived as “not good enough” or “the loser…” Although the bottom line is, I know of ONE classmate who is a much bigger loser than I could ever be…! And I won’t tell you who – you can guess all you want (and you’ll probably be right, anyway) but you’ll find out for sure at the reunion!
Well, I think this post will suffice for the time being. Maybe my hit count will start increasing a bit too – I seem to have lost a few people (gee, wonder why??) and hopefully I can lure them back with the promise of more posts. So for what it’s worth – I promise more posts. More frequently too. Honest!
I figured I ought to update, even briefly, since I put a link to this on my grammar school reunion survey. So if there are any St. Monica alums reading this – HI!!! And I hope you enjoy my ramblings. For the rest of you, my 25 year Grammar School Reunion is rapidly approaching, and I am really looking forward to it. It’s been a lot of fun getting things organized, my friend and I were picking out music the other night and cracking up at some of the old songs. Of course, Lexie just rolled her eyes and made fun of us AND our music. But really, what does an 11 year old know, anyway, right?? Funny thing is, it’s been kind of bittersweet, because memories have a way of twisting up your insides and making you do silly things like play the “what if” game… Obviously, my regular readers know my background – my fellow alums will probably be a bit shocked when (or if) they ever read “TBOTE,” but looking back makes you regret the mistakes and long for second chances. Which I know is really ridiculous, because I am a firm believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING. And you can’t go back, anyway, so there’s really no use in regrets or “if only’s.” But still… And you should see my old classmates! Well, on paper, at least! It’s really great to know how happy and successful they all seem. Which has a tendency to coax out that annoying little voice that whispers “God, and look at what a loser you turned out to be!” I hate that voice. Because it’s not true – but it still can make you feel insecure at the most inconvenient times.
I guess it’s pretty normal though, to be worried as being perceived as “not good enough” or “the loser…” Although the bottom line is, I know of ONE classmate who is a much bigger loser than I could ever be…! And I won’t tell you who – you can guess all you want (and you’ll probably be right, anyway) but you’ll find out for sure at the reunion!
Well, I think this post will suffice for the time being. Maybe my hit count will start increasing a bit too – I seem to have lost a few people (gee, wonder why??) and hopefully I can lure them back with the promise of more posts. So for what it’s worth – I promise more posts. More frequently too. Honest!
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