Beautiful Aunt Dolores

This weekend I had a couple very nice visits. One was with my grandparents, who recently moved out to Naperville, and the other was with Beautiful Aunt Dolores. As you can guess from the title, this post is going to be about the latter visit. No offense to Grandma and Poppops, of course, but today it is all about Beautiful Aunt Dolores.

First off, I would like to explain that Beautiful Aunt Dolores has not ALWAYS been known as "Beautiful Aunt Dolores." Not because she hasn't always been beautiful, of course, but becuase she kind of insinutated the name herself into everyday use. This happened when my Lexie was about three or four and uncertain as to what she should call MY aunt, was she "Aunt Dolores" or "Great Aunt Dolores?" When posed that question, Aunt Dolores replied very matter-of-factly, "You can just call me 'Beautiful Aunt Dolores,' Lex." So she did, and I did, and it stuck. (In writing, though, we usually abbreviate to BAD, and I see no reason to make an exception now, since it is too long a moniker to keep typing over and over.)

BAD is one of my father's three sisters, the third of the four children. She has five kids, one of which was my partner in crime growing up, Karyn. Karyn and I were only five days apart age-wise, so we were (and still are) pretty close. I spent a lot of time at my cousins' house, and therefore consider myself pretty knowledgeable regarding BAD. And now it is time to share my thoughts with the rest of the cyberspace community.

My earliest memories of BAD were when they lived on Whipple Street in the city. I can clearly see the playroom on the sunporch, which always had to be cleaned when we were done playing. This always baffled me, because honestly, were kids EVER really done playing? I mean, it was a whole separate room with lots of toys, who cared if they were put away or not? Well, I'll tell you who - BAD. They also had a dog back then, the meanest, scariest dog I've ever known. Stupid thing used to chase me while foaming at the mouth and one of the scariest days of my life was when that beast learned to jump on the bed, which USED to be my safe haven. Rumor has it that BAD "accidentally" left the gate open one day, and Taffy (I know, sweet name for such an evil beast) vanished forever. Thus saving my life and giving me the opportunity to start liking other dogs again. At that age, I still hadn't formed a lasting impression regarding BAD... no, that impression began forming for real once they moved to Villa Park.

They moved to Villa Park while I was still in grammar school, and lived there almost until I graduated high school. So for most of my "formative years," I dealt with BAD in Villa Park. BAD was probably the meanest person in the whole world, if not in the whole universe. She FORCED me to eat my entire dinner whenever I stayed over (my sainted mother NEVER did), and to top it off, she wouldn't even let me have anything to drink until my plate was empty. CRUEL, I tell you, CRUEL. I mean, how was I supposed to choke down vegetables without a big glass of milk to mask the taste?? BAD didn't care. She would make you sit there FOREVER if you had to (which on more than one occasion, I actually thought I did). And then there was the time when they built the FIRST EVER McDonald's Playland in Villa Park. Couldn't WAIT to go, and BAD took myself, my brother, and her kids. I ordered two plain cheeseburgers, but is that what BAD brought me? NOOOOOOOO! She brought two cheeseburgers with EVERYTHING on them and informed me that I would NOT play in the playland until both of them were gone. "I was NOT about to wait in line for a special order," she announced, "and you will NOT waste my money by not eating them." I think it took me the good part of an hour to do so, while I gagged on every bite and watched my cousins and brother gleefuly playing with tears in my eyes.

When I became a teenager, BAD was even worse. She knew EVERYTHING. I don't know how, but she did. You could never pull anything over on BAD. At least, Karyn and I couldn't. My older cousin, Mike, seemed to manage to get away with things every now and then. Jerk. I specifically recall one incident which shall be known as the "Texas Chainsaw Incident." You see, Karyn was housesitting for a neighbor while I was spending the weekend. Her job was to go over every day and water the plants. That's it. Water, and leave. Which she did, until Mike came up with a brilliant idea. The family who owned the house also owned a VCR, and wayyyy back then, VCRs were not common household items. Mike happened to have a friend who had a prestigious job at a video store, and could get us a movie to watch. All Karyn and I had to do was let them in, and the four of us could watch an "R" rated movie and no one would be the wiser.

Yeah, right. Not on BAD's watch.

Anyway, Mike got the movie (obviously - "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"), and Karyn and I announced we were going to water the plants. A few minutes after we got there, Mike and his buddy showed up with the movie. Karyn and I were a little nervous, but Mike assured us that everything would be ok, in a couple hours the movie would be over and we would all leave. Nothing would get touched, and no one would EVER know. Once the movie started, we all got sucked in to the story of Leatherface and his crew. About halfway through the movie, the phone started to ring. Karyn reached to answer it, but Mike said, "NO! Don't answer it! We're not here, remember?" The phone rang and rang. Then it stopped, only to start again. I was starting to get pretty scared, and not only from the movie.

When the phone stopped for good, we all relaxed until we heard the pounding on the door. "I KNOW YOU'RE IN TEHRE YOU DAMN KIDS!!!" It was BAD. Busted. She reamed us all out big time, scared away Mike's friend, and called my father to pick me up after dinner. Karyn and I were banished to the basement to clean as our punishment, and in anger and resentment, we vowed to clean it SO WELL that BAD would have nothing more to yell about. (I know, we were idiots. What can I say, we were 15.) Then at dinner came the infamous (to this day) quote: "Dasi, YOU can have a doughnut." Which was accompanied by a withering glare at Mike and Karyn. Apparently my sin was slightly less than that of her own children. So I gingerly took a doughnut and nibbled at it while I waited for my father to come pick me up.

As for the movie - I finally saw the end when I was about 19 or 20.

BAD was the aunt everyone loved to hate. She was strict with her kids, took no shit from anyone, and her word was law. There were no excuses if you screwed up. Punishment was swift and fierce. She always told it like it was (and still does). She didn't allow her kids to eat sugared cereal or drink pop unless it was a special occasion. She was too smart to believe things other parents may have blindly accepted, and didn't care what other kids' parents did or said anyway. Her house, her family, her rules. Period.

Looking at my cousins now makes me realize that all along, BAD had a method to her madness. She may have been the "mean" aunt and mother, but it worked. And as we all grew into adults, we developed an appreciation for everything she had done for us and a better understanding of her as a person. It's a lot easier to be the "nice" mom or aunt, but it's not always as effective. BAD took the high road, and God bless her for it.

My own life took a couple twists and turns that I hadn't really planned on, and I spent a few years isolating myself from friends and family and slowly killing myself. But when I came to my senses and straightened my ass out, BAD was the first one in my corner (other than my parents and brother, of course) backing me up and helping me through some pretty tough times. She didn't coddle me, and didn't condone what I had done, but she supported me when I wanted to change. Sometimes she'll tell you exactly what you don't WANT to hear... but nonetheless, it is always what you NEED to hear.

I think that everyone needs a BAD in their life - someone who can scare the hell out of you when you are a kid and make you mad as hell as a teenager... but ultimately make you PROUD as hell as an adult. Although I have the original, and I have no intention of giving her up.

By the way, does this top the "You have the BEST MILK IN THE WORLD" ultimate kiss-up?? Here's to you, BAD, I love you!