A Child's Wishes

So as I was cleaning my (broken)computer desk area at home, I came across this old letter Lexie had written. If memory serves, she was probably about six or so when she wrote it, so just for effect I added her first grade picture at the bottom. You know, in case the letter itself isn’t enough to move you to tears, looking at that angelic little six-year-old face just might nudge you over the edge.

See, it’s things like this that make me both laugh and cry. First off, you can clearly make out the fact that she had originally written this letter to “god” and then changed it to “mom.” I’m not sure if this was because she didn’t think God would help her and had more faith in me, or if she figured since it was a letter, it should be addressed to someone she could actually GIVE it to. Either way, I found that kind of funny.

Then it makes me sad, looking at all the things she wished she had a dad for. Because she’s right, she got gypped. And no matter how much of an asshole her real father is, it really sucks that he never even TRIED. He has never even told her he loves her. Not even in that half-assed letter he sent her this past Christmas. “Kasper” was the after-school daycare that she used to go to, and I do recall her telling me how she thought it was cool that some of the kids’ dads picked them up sometimes. And then all the other things she wanted a dad for – “to give kisses to or hugs,” “to sit on his shoulders for fireworks,” “to help me with my homework,” “to wish with me for Christmas,” and one that broke my heart – “somebody to be my friend.”

How can a man live his life every day knowing he has a child out there and just not give a shit? Can anyone explain that to me? Because I can’t seem to grasp the concept of having a child but pretending you don’t. You know, even though he is over $30K in arrears in child support, I would rather have him call Lexie up and say, “I’ve straightened out my life. I’m sorry. I’d like to try to be a good father” than get a check for the full amount drawn on the Department of Health and Family Services’ child support account. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not want him in MY life. We never were a good match anyway, the only good thing between us is Lexie. But MY feelings are irrelevant here. It’s my daughter’s that are important.

But then when I read the end of her letter, it hits me. She didn’t want HER dad, she wanted A dad. Because she also wanted a dad to make her mom happy and to “kiss my mom too.” My little girl had big dreams of the perfect family, and it makes me kind of sad. Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough for her, and that she deserves better than just a single mom in a condo. Then I see her big “I Love You” at the end, and realize that what she wanted was for BOTH of us, because she DOES love me so much. She wanted me to have a husband like her friends’ moms do, just as badly as she wanted a dad. And I’ve always told her that someday, maybe, we would have that. And wouldn’t she be the lucky one, because she would get to help pick out her new dad! She always seemed to get a kick out of that.

In any case, four years later at age ten, my Lexie probably still has a lot of the feelings she had in this letter. But I also think that now she realizes how lucky she is to have other people in her life who are just as special as a dad, like her Uncle Bob and her Grandpa. And that whether or not she ever has a “real dad” in her life, she is truly loved.

Although I wouldn’t mind having someone around to make me happy and to kiss me too – after he helps Lexie with her homework, of course.