Full Moon Madness

I knew it without even looking at the calendar. After the third phone call from the third moron looking to sue for the most RIDICULOUS thing, I just KNEW a full moon was coming. And I was right, Monday is a full moon. I don’t quite understand why people get a little crazy around the full moon, but the word “lunatic” wasn’t invented on a whim. Anyway, back to my callers.

As you know, I am in the legal biz. And as such, I field calls all the time from potential clients. For the most part, it is pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, but every now and then, ESPECIALLY around the full moon, you have to deal with some pretty (ahem) interesting people. Take the three I spoke to today.

First there was the woman who called to find out how to go about suing her ex-husband’s mistress for “loss of affection.” Apparently her divorce attorney told her she could do this. So, according to her, she thought she would call a lawyer and file suit. Oh, AND? She wasn’t doing this for revenge, or anything. (Of course not, toots.) She just felt that it was her LEGAL OBLIGATION to make this bitch pay. (Ok, she didn’t use the bitch part. I just filled in the word I KNOW she wanted to use instead of “woman.”) Well, in my layman’s opinion (after all, I never took the bar exam myself) I honestly didn’t think that this was something you could sue over. Apparently I was wrong – to a point. Because when I put her on hold to check with Satan (my boss, the attorney) he told me to find out if she knew how much the other woman was worth. Which I did, and what I learned was that this “other woman” was an LD teacher who owned her own car and home, but as far as being wealthy… well, she really wasn’t sure. So I wound up transferring her to Satan so he could talk to her. To avoid legal malpractice, we can NEVER tell anyone they “don’t have a case,” we always simply state “that’s not something we would handle.” Which is what Satan was telling this woman. But she insisted on getting the name of someone who would. Since she was referred to us by a colleague of Satan’s, he tried to patiently explain to her that EVEN IF she could prove that this “loss of affection” was caused to intentionally hurt her and also “with malice and aforethought,” and EVEN IF it was determined that this other woman WAS legally liable to pay compensatory damages to her for those reasons, the problem was that since there are no insurance companies that insure someone in the case of an affair, chances are slim that she would find an attorney to take the case. Unless the woman in question was insanely wealthy, which didn’t seem to be the case. Did she give up? No, siree. She was bound and determined to hear what she wanted to hear. He went on to tell her again that attorneys RARELY, if ever, take cases on contingency if there is any possibility that they wouldn’t get paid, no matter how good the case was. And that all this woman would have to do is file bankruptcy to avoid paying any kind of judgement. That in order to actually hire an attorney for this kind of case, she would have to pay on an hourly basis, which could run from $150-$500 an hour. And she STILL wanted to go through with it. Finally, in exasperation, he gave her the name of some schmuck that I think he doesn’t really like. Wonder what HE told her…

Then I get a call from a Middle Eastern woman who is soooo upset she is crying. She wants to sue her job for “sexual harassment.” You see, this woman has worked at a state hospital for over 20 years (I am assuming a state MENTAL hospital). She herself has been on disability for the past three months for “breathing problems due to stress” (i.e. anxiety, maybe??). And yesterday she received a letter in the mail on the hospital’s letterhead that she thinks is sexual harassment. She wanted to know if we could take her case, or if she should call the police or report it to her supervisor. Through her tears she tells me that if her husband saw this letter, he would NEVER let her go back to work, because whoever wrote it threatened her too. She said it was addressed specifically to her, and mailed to her home address, but was unsigned. When I asked her if she could read it to me, she obliged. It apparently said (and I quote) “The deal is off. You sold me bad weed bitch. You will pay.” I asked her exactly why she thought this was sexual harassment, and she tearfully replied, “because they used the word ‘bitch.’” (Ok, so I think that she’s probably right about her husband being upset, but MY guess is that he would be more pissed about his wife selling pot.) I put her on hold and relayed the info to Satan. His response? “Not something we would handle.” I almost felt obliged to tell her she PROBABLY shouldn’t bring it to the cops, either, since she’s selling weed and all…

Then finally I get a call from a woman who is upset because her husband is losing his disability pay that he was promised in a settlement agreement that he signed in 2001. She claimed he was supposed to receive this pay until he turned 65, but they cut his benefits in January. Since he is only 48, she wants to sue the company for breach of contract and fraud. The agreement he signed in 2001 stated that he would receive benefits according to the plan for as long as the plan allowed. Well, apparently the plan USED to allow the benefits until age 65 no matter what, but the plan was changed in 2003 and only allowed benefits for mental illness for two years from the date of the first payment. Hence, his loss of benefits. So, was it WRITTEN in the agreement that he would keep getting payments until he turned 65? “Well, no, not exactly…” And was I correct to assume that he had a MENTAL disability? “Well, yes…” But he IS receiving social security disability too, right? “Mmm hmmm.” And was this disability job related? Any worker’s compensation involved? “Well, no… he just has some issues…” Issues?? ISSUES?? I have “issues” and nobody pays ME to sit around and watch tv all day!! Not for one day, not for two years, and CERTAINLY not until I turn 65!! But, put her on hold, and talk to Satan. Just in case. Surprise, surprise – “Not something we handle.”

I don’t think I want to talk to any more potential clients today. They are all nuts. On a side note, though, I found it pretty funny that as I was looking on my calendar to find out when the full moon was, I noticed that the 16th is Boss’ Day.

Anyone besides me think it is pretty funny that Boss’ Day is on a SUNDAY??? When most people AREN’T EVEN AT WORK??? Whoever decided on that date must have a boss like mine. Gosh, I love my job…!