MAIL CALL!!!

I love getting mail. Any kind of mail. Even bills. Well, to be honest, I don’t really LOVE getting bills, but at least when I get a bill it validates my existence simply by being addressed TO ME and being in MY MAILBOX. Face it, you aren’t really an adult until you start getting mail on a regular basis. Because sure, kids get mail, you know, the yearly birthday card or sometimes a catalog or magazine, but that’s only a sporadic thing. Adults get mail pretty much EVERY DAY. Which is pretty cool, if you ask me.

I just love the fact that there are soooo many people out there who know who I am. I mean, they may not know me PERSONALLY or anything, but they still send me mail. All those quick-loan mortgage people, for instance. They ALL know me. Because I get letters from a million different quick-loan mortgage people all the time. And the grocery store people. They ALWAYS send me the weekly specials. (Of course, the grocery store people aren’t quite as familiar with me, apparently, because even though they know my address, they ALWAYS send my specials to “Resident.”)

Every credit card company in the world wants to be my buddy, my pal, because they send me regular mail, too. And even when I give in and reply to one of their amazing offers, they want me to get MORE cards. And MORE. And MORE. Apparently they are working with the “quick-loan mortgage” people, because if I keep getting these cards, I will NEED the “quick-loan mortgage people” to pay my bills.

The utility people are pretty nice, too. Besides my regular bill, I usually get a cute little newsletter from the phone company or gas company or electric company every now and then just “to keep me informed.” How sweet!

Recently I’ve started getting mail from some psychic in New York who said for just five dollars she can tell me all about my life. But see, I already KNOW about my life, so I’ve just been ignoring her. And if she was a real psychic, she would’ve known I wasn’t going to respond already, anyway. So thank you for the mail, psychic lady, but I won’t answer.

On my birthday, I still get some cards from thoughtful relatives who I don’t see all that much. Well, not actually ON my birthday, since my birthday is on Veteran’s Day and they don’t deliver mail then. Which really is a bummer, seeing as how I enjoy mail so much. Anyway, I also have a cousin who LOVES cards and sends them to me on the odd holiday just for the hell of it. THAT is always fun.

The child support people unfortunately do NOT send me too much mail – and when they do, it is usually nothing too exciting anyway. Their mail usually goes something like, “If you know where the rat-bastard who fathered your child is, please notify us so we can pretend to do our job.” Every time I get THESE letters, it makes me mad, because I HAVE told them where he is, and they STILL do nothing!! But, they send me mail, so I can’t hate them too much.

The only mail that really annoys me is the mail addressed to me personally “or current resident.” The reason this annoys me is because OBVIOUSLY whoever sent it to me really doesn’t give a crap whether I get it or not, as long as SOMEBODY does. And if you don’t care about me, you can keep your stupid mail. Unless it’s a cool catalog, because I love those. Even though I can’t afford to buy anything from them.

My brother told me once that he only checked his mail like once a week, and I was APPALLED. How could he restrain himself like that?? Hell, on weekends if I am at home, my ears perk up like a puppy’s when I hear the mailman coming. MAIL! YAY! And there is never a day as depressing as a day when you get absolutely NO mail. It’s almost like someone is saying “You are NOBODY!! No Mail for YOU!!”

(Tee, hee! That just made me think of the ‘Soup Nazi’ from Seinfeld. “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Which has nothing to do with mail, of course.)

So in summary, I love my mail. Keep it coming.