Squirreltopia

All my life, I have been an animal lover. In fact, I always swore that when I grew up and had my own place, it would be filled with pets. But when I finally did “grow up,” it occurred to me that I really didn’t WANT a whole houseful of pets. For now I have my boys, and that is plenty. I actually have learned to prefer cats over dogs, because they are much less time-consuming and they don’t ever smell like “wet dog.” Not that I don’t like dogs, of course, but I just can’t imagine having to walk a dog several times a day, not to mention the fact that it would limit the time you can go out, and I still think that it’s not right to have a dog in a condo all day if no one is there to be with it. Anyway.

I have also gotten Lexie the obligatory fish (both goldfish and beta), none of which ended well. She also had a hamster at one point, and cute as it was, it STUNK, and it made a big mess with all its stupid wood shavings. And who cleaned the cage every week?? Yours truly. When Max died (unfortunately the day after Christmas, a truly sad tale that I will share on another occasion), Lexie begged and pleaded for another one. My answer? The parents’ favorite reply: “Someday.” And she is still waiting for “someday,” which will most likely wind up being when she decides to move out herself.

So since I still consider myself an animal lover, yet have no desire to actually have any more in the house, I decided it would be fun to buy a bag of peanuts and start feeding the squirrels. I started doing this probably about a year ago, and at the onset there was pretty much only one squirrel who ever seemed to come around. After a couple weeks, there were several more. See, right outside our balcony, there are two trees, which make for easy access to the peanut stash. I started buying more peanuts, and more squirrels came. It became like a “squirrel aquarium” if you will, and Lexie and I really got a kick out of watching them. Baby and Ace initially kept trying to get the squirrels, and would ultimately wind up bonking their furry little heads against the glass balcony doors. This was funny too, because not only would the cats bounce back in confusion, but the squirrels would freak out thinking they were being attacked. But it didn’t take the squirrels long to realize that the cats couldn’t get to them when the door was closed. So they would actually walk up to the door, sit up, put their paws against it, and stare at the cats with what I SWORE was a gloating squirrel look. (Unfortunately, my boys apparently weren’t as quick learners as the squirrels, though, because to this day they STILL will occasionally forget about the door and bonk their little heads. Ace more so than Baby, since I think Ace is slightly “mentally challenged” anyway.)


For a little while in the beginning, we had some racial issues, since the original squirrel was a grey squirrel and didn’t want to share with the red squirrels that started coming by. But I put a quick stop to that. This was an Equal Opportunity Peanut Place, and I told them so. If they couldn’t get along, there would be no more peanuts. Period. For the most part, they have all managed to get along, but every now and then we get a racist squirrel. When I see that happen, though, I reiterate my rules and scare him off. I will not tolerate any little Squirrel KKK goings-on on MY balcony.


In the winter, I kept up with the feeding, and you should’ve seen those little critters hopping through the snow. Cute cute cute! But when the snow melted, it was actually kind of gross on my balcony what with all the old peanut shells and squirrel poop. This prompted me to buy two things – a leaf blower/sucker-upper (because I tried my house vacuum and it didn’t work too well… good thing Target had new ones on sale) and some outdoor carpeting. Both of these vastly improved the looks of my balcony, and the feeding continued. The people at Costco were getting pretty familiar with me, since by then I was buying about 15 lbs. of peanuts every week or so. Then one day in the summer I forgot to put out the peanuts. ONE DAY – that is all I forgot. And when I opened my blinds the next day, one of those jerks actually chewed a hole through my screen door!! Of all the nerve!! Well, I put some duct tape over that screen, put out more peanuts, and waited for the troops to arrive. And when they did, I gave them a strict lecture about gratitude. I told those squirrels ONE MORE HOLE in my screen, and the free lunch was over. And guess what? No holes since. (Of course, I haven’t forgotten them again, either, since then.)
So no real problems in Squirreltopia for a while, until my daughter called me at work about Demon Squirrel. Apparently there was a new squirrel that started climbing the screen and attacking any other squirrel that tried to take a peanut. I told her to just chill out, and maybe call her Uncle Bob (which was a joke, because he is TERRIFIED of squirrels). She laughed, and said ok. When I got home, sure enough, Demon Squirrel was there, making weird squirrel noises and making sure no other squirrel got near the peanuts. So I went over and gave him a talking to. Freaked HIM out, but since the other “regular” squirrels were used to me by now, they all came back and ate in peace. I think Demon Squirrel learned to share, though, because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him around lately.


Then this morning I was trying to coax a squirrel to take a peanut from my hand (what?? I’ve done it before, and squirrels don’t carry rabies. I looked it up). Every now and then I’ll do this, by lying on the floor with my hand outside on the balcony holding a peanut ever-so-lightly and not moving an muscle. It’s actually pretty funny watching the squirrels debate whether to take the peanut or not, they always kind of do this little “one step up, three steps back” thing, and usually with a couple of their pals watching to see what happens. But if I’m patient enough, eventually one brave soul will usually inch just close enough to stretch out his head and gingerly take the peanut… then RUN. Like it was a trap or something. Then I’ll dump out a whole pile of them, so the other squirrels think the first one is a hero for starting the peanut banquet. Anyway, as I said, I was doing that his morning, only this time the brave little squirrel crept towards me, stuck his little head out… and BIT me on the thumb! Not hard, or anything, I mean, he didn’t even break skin. I think he thought my thumb was the peanut. But I said “Hey! Don’t bite me!” and jumped, and you should’ve seen the poor guy fly up in the air. This made me start laughing, as Lexie started asking if I needed to go to the hospital. Once I calmed her down and assured her I wasn’t actually ATTACKED, just mistaken for a peanut, she was ok. But again, those squirrels got another lecture about not biting the hand that feeds you.

Then at work today I decided to double check my “squirrels don’t carry rabies” theory – and I’m still right. (Actually, the whole truth is squirrels RARELY carry rabies, and there hasn’t been a documented case in IL from a squirrel since like the 1920’s.) But I also found out that due to the fact that squirrels’ eyes are located on either side of their head, they really can’t see directly in front of them. So apparently if you hold a peanut in your hand, you run the risk of a squirrel thinking your appendage is in fact another peanut. (A much bigger peanut, possibly, depending on the size of the peanut you are holding as compared to the size of your thumb…) Anyway, my squirrels are all very gentle, and no blood was drawn, but I’m not sure if I will continue hand feeding them knowing this fact.

So there you have it. I am not only destined to become the “lady with the cats” but am now confessing that I am ALREADY the “crazy lady who feeds (and talks to) the squirrels.” And proud of it, dammit.