The Un-Shower

This past weekend, my mother and I were discussing plans for my sister-in-law’s baby shower. While doing so, my mother laughed and commented that she doesn’t think my brother has any idea how much baby stuff they are going to wind up with. She’s probably right, as guys generally don’t have a clue about showers. And even though he was the good husband-to-be and went to Sarah’s bridal shower, getting a ton of baby stuff CAN be overwhelming.

Anyway, after spending this time with my mother and discussing the shower, I once again started going over my own master plan in my head. You see, I am going to have my very own shower. For ME. The plan is this: if I am not in a committed relationship (or married) by the time I am 40 (which, by the way, is rapidly approaching), I am having an “I’m Not Getting Married But I Want Stuff Anyway” Shower. And before you berate me for wanting to do this, hear me out.

I have never in my life had a shower. NEV-ER. Yes, I have a daughter, but since no one in the family knew I was even pregnant until AFTER I had her (looooong story – for another blog) there was obviously no baby shower. And I have never been married (or engaged, for that matter), hence no bridal shower. BUT, I have a ton of cousins and plenty of friends, and have attended at least two to three dozen bridal showers and about two dozen baby showers in my lifetime. Now, I am not complaining about the lack of a baby shower, especially since that wouldn’t be fair since no one knew. And to be honest, the people who cared about me were wonderful and supportive, and brought over gifts for Lexie once they DID find out. But the whole bridal shower situation has begun to irk me.

Obviously, every time I attend a shower, I bring a nice gift, one that the shower-ee has carefully selected from Crate and Barrel or Bed Bath and Beyond or Carson Pirie Scott or something. And damn, do they make out! Kitchen gadgets, sheet sets, crystal, bath towels, flatware, dishes – even small appliances. Just because they are getting married. Why does society deem it necessary to give couples all this new stuff JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTTING MARRIED?? Let’s think about this a minute. When two people get engaged, they are joining their lives together, right? And essentially joining all their STUFF together, too. Which means that most couples wind up with two of everything important before they even HAVE the shower. (Unless the husband-to-be is one of those guys who lives with his mom until his wedding day.) Seriously. They already HAVE the necessities – tons of towels, plenty of sheets, two sets of dishes, glasses and flatware… Most single gals already have the basic cooking utensils and pots and pans… Am I wrong about this? So the bottom line is, when the couple is registering for their shower, they are registering for ALL NEW STUFF. Even if they already have perfectly good OLD stuff. And they are registering for crazy things they would NEVER pay money for themselves, like a salad spinner or a bread machine. And usually, they wind up getting everything on their list. Not. Fair.

Why, you ask? BECAUSE I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED, AND I WANT NEW STUFF TOO!! Let’s look at this logically – who needs new stuff more, a two-income married couple with no kids, or a single mom who doesn’t even get child support? Hmmmmm. Why should I be penalized just because I am not getting married? I mean, do I HAVE to accept Mr. South Side’s offer to fly to Vegas just so I can get the Egyptian cotton sheets I’ve been dying for? Why is it that if a woman chooses to remain single, or hasn’t found anyone she can imagine spending the rest of her life with, she can’t register for gifts anyway? I think that is just plain WRONG. Especially since I have given more than my share of shower gifts throughout my adult life. I expect some reciprocation here, people. It’s only fair.

I have discussed this with most of my aunts and cousins, and although they all claim to back me on my “I’m Not Getting Married But I Want Stuff Anyway” Shower, I don’t think they are taking me seriously. They all laugh and laugh and say, “Oh, Dasi! You are soooo funny! Count me in!” But I think they are just patronizing me. Well, just wait until they get the invitation in a few years. Along with my registry list. We’ll see if they still think it’s a good idea then.

Oh, and? MY shower won’t be at some stuffy banquet hall. Remaining single is something a woman should be proud of, I say. CELEBRATE your independence! So MY shower will be in the back room of a bar or something. And there won’t be chicken champagne or whatever and a cheesy punch. At MY shower we will serve beer and hot wings. (And flavored vodka. I like flavored vodka.) So mark your calendars, ladies! Barring the unlikely event that I find my soulmate in the next few years, I’m having the first ever non-traditional shower. And I can’t wait to register. I really do need new stuff, I tell ya.