Party of One

So the holidays are coming. And I'm not sure whether it's because of that, or because of PMS, or because I'm getting old, but once again I find myself overthinking things and getting myself bummed out.

Point in case: on Saturday, Lexie was watching the Hilary Duff Movie "Cinderella Story" and when Hilary and Chad Michael Murray (scary that I know these kids' names so well) were dancing in the garden, I got all misty-eyed. All I kept thinking was "No one will ever look at me like that..." Yes, I realize that this a) is a movie and b) involves teenagers, who obviously aren't really deeply in love or anything, but still, it got me. So then later I watch a documentary about this girl's father dying of aids, and again: I'm probably going to die completely alone. Bwahhhh! Hell, even her father had his new gay lover by his side while he was dying. Obviously, I'll have my Lexie and depending on God's will my parents and brother, but no "soulmate."

Now, I make it a point to always stress how happy and comfortable I am being single. That I don't need anyone in my life, that I am independent and managing just fine. This is all true, but that doesn't necessarily mean I don't want someone there. My main problem is, I want someone to just materialize and be so perfect that it's a no-brainer. I have no desire to do the actual footwork. Probably because I'm tired of all the bullshit. I've tried match.com, eharmony, and a couple other sites. And the only decent possibility I met never called me again after our date.

Oh, wait, there was the guy about five years ago who I dated for several months... he was successful, attractive, had two kids from his previous marriage and was a great dad, even owned his own house. He treated me really well, but was actually pretty boring. He thought "There's Something About Mary" was a vulgar, disgusting film, while I found it hilarious. I brought him to a Christmas party thrown by my good friends, and the fact that it was pretty much all recovering addicts or alcoholics freaked him out. He had a hard time getting past the "holier than thou" thing - even with me. But he still talked about our future, and being together, and on and on. Eventually he had a job project down in Atlanta for a couple months. We e-mailed pretty much daily, until one day he stopped. I pressed on until I received a brief e-mail back, which stated that he had met someone down in Atlanta and she was coming back to Chicago with him and moving in. And that was that. In hindsight, I realize it was definitely for the best, because this guy was SOOOO not my soulmate. Not even close. But he was the type of guy I thought I should like.

Anyway, people have approached me about getting fixed up, and something about that just bothers me. I don't like the pressure, the expectations, or the letdowns. Blind dates are not my thing. And never will be. Maybe a big group setting, you know, where Mr. Single Guy just "happens" to be there, but that is as close to a blind date I ever want to get.

So people give me all kinds of shit about "well, how do you expect to meet anyone if you don't put yourself out there??" The question I have is this: Put myself out WHERE?? I am a single mom in her mid thirties. I am not big on religion (although I am a spiritual person), so don't say 'church,' the myth of meeting in grocery stores is just that - a myth, speed dating was the biggest waste of time I have ever spent, and the bar scene is so NOT my scene anymore. I know that Mr. Right is not just going to knock on my door one day (besides, I live in a secure building, so even if he wanted to, he couldn't), but must this be such an exhausting search? Finding a needle in a haystack sounds ridiculously easy compared to finding your soulmate.

So now that I've elaborated on all the problems with finding someone, let's move on to my next irrational insecurity: the glaring fact that something must be wrong with ME. All my friends and family members my age and older (hell, there are even a bunch ten or fifteen years younger, for crying out loud) are either married or have been married. Some have been married twice. Or more. Which begs the question, how is it that all these people have found their Mr. or Ms. Wonderful and I haven't even really come close? Obvious answer - because of my numerous faults. Let's list them, shall we? I am old. I am overweight. I am a single mom. I talk too much, especially when I am nervous. I am very moody. I have a ton of skeletons in my closet - but have no problem sharing them. I watch too much tv. I spend money even when I shouldn't. I appear confident, but am so totally not. The list goes on and on. When I think about it like that, it totally makes sense. I am definitely good "friend" material, but don't cross that line. If I had a dollar for every time someone said, "You are such a beautiful, great person! I'm sure there is someone out there for you!" I'd be richer than my wildest dreams. But as time passes and I get older, and more jaded, and there are less prospects out there, I realize that maybe all my false bravado about being the happy single woman is just that: false bravado. And now it may be too late for me to ever be someone's missing half.

The lonely part of me is crying out for someone to hold me when I am scared, to snuggle with at night, to tell me I am beautiful - even when I feel like crap. I long for someone to share my life with, to be a father to my little girl, to depend on when I need him most. I would kill to have someone to laugh with, who gets me just as I am, who never thinks my opinions are stupid - but who isn't afraid to "agree to disagree." My dream would be to have someone whose smile would melt my heart, and whose eyes I can see my forever in.

Shit. There I go, letting my guard down again. What I meant to say was screw relationships, I don't need anyone. I have my daughter, and my job, my friends, and my family, and I am happy. So freakin' happy it's pathetic. And when Lexie turns 18 and goes to college, I'll be even HAPPIER. Me and my cats, living the high life.

Dasi, party of one.