Only In America

Well, it’s back to the grind today for most of us, myself included. The crappy thing is, Lexie and/or I was sick the ENTIRE Thanksgiving holiday. With a nasty stomach flu. Yes, on Thanksgiving Lexie was sick, then started feeling better on Saturday. So, we took the opportunity to meet my mom for dinner on Saturday and guess what? When we got home I became violently ill. And as of today, I am still not 100%. BUT, I am at work, since Marilyn took the day off and I prefer being gainfully employed. Good news? I lost 5 lbs in the process. Bad news? I am REALLY getting sick of juice and saltines.

Anyway, due to the fact that we were basically under house arrest for four days, we managed to watch some pretty interesting tv. I cannot believe the things that actually get aired. Case in point: “Miss Dog.” I kid you not. The “first annual” Miss Dog Pageant. They had 51 bitches (well, that IS the correct term, is it not??) from all 50 states plus DC, and it was hosted by John O’Hurley and Jillian Barbieri, whose name sounds familiar but who I can’t recall ever having seen before. Poor John O’Hurley, apparently second runner up in “Dancing With the Stars” does nothing for your career.

Lexie and I watched this show pretty much for the “oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-believe-this-is-actually-ON” factor. (Besides, we really had nothing good left to watch.) And in its defense, it WAS pretty amusing. First they had the parade of all the contestants, then they eliminated them down to the top “K-9” (cute, huh?). On a personal note, I found myself to be quite excited, because Miss Illinois made it to the top nine. (You should be proud, too, Amber, Miss Colorado was in the finals as well!) Anyway, they had a talent competition, some of the talent was pretty good, but there were some pretty stupid tricks that were more suited for Letterman as well. Miss Illinois, a snazzy looking border collie mix, walked on her hind legs up and down a flight of stairs, which I found pretty impressive. Miss Missouri, a Boston Terrier who was CLEARLY out of her league, chose to “sing” with her owner. Call me crazy, but howling along to someone who can’t carry a tune isn’t much of a talent in my book.

Next they had the evening gown competition. Yes, you heard right: EVENING GOWN COMPETITION. They actually forced these poor dogs to wear custom made evening gowns and walk out on the stage. Now, I may have done something similar when I was like, 5, but these were adult handlers. And to top it off, Jillian Barbieri was in the background doing the voice overs describing each gown. “Miss Missouri is stunning in red satin with an adorable bustle!” “Miss Colorado looks gorgeous in blue taffeta!” “Miss Illinois’ emerald gown has the other contestants GREEN with envy!” (I DARE you to picture this without smirking!)

Finally, they had them perform a second time, either to do the old trick again or do a new one. Then they had a final parade, cut it down to four dogs, and broke for commercial.

The suspense was killing us. (As I’m sure it is YOU!) But after some pet related commercials, John O’Hurley returned with the judge’s results. He read them in dramatic John O’Hurley fashion, and even provided the disclaimer that if Miss Dog should ever be unable to fulfill her duties, the First Runner-Up would then become the reigning Miss Dog. (Ok, I ask you, WHAT DUTIES?? I mean, really, does Miss Dog go around cutting ribbons at PetSmart Grand Openings or something??) Anyway, the winner was Miss Illinois – as Lexie and I knew it would be.

Poor Miss Illinois did NOT look happy when they put a tiara with an elastic band around her head. Nor did she look happy when they put the “Miss Dog” sash around her. Actually, she looked downright pissed. And even John O’Hurley singing the “Miss Dog America” theme didn’t seem to amuse her. (It amused ME though!!) I wish they would’ve run tape a little longer at the end, because I’m pretty sure Miss Dog wound up attacking SOMEONE when she finished her victory walk.

I tried to find some pictures to share of the Miss Dog show, but apparently even Animal Planet is trying to pretend they never aired it, because I can’t find ANY links. But I have proof it was on, since I saved it on my Tivo, just so I know I’m not going crazy. In any case, that was probably one of the more bizarre shows I happened to watch this weekend. That and “Shaun of the Dead,” which was actually really funny and I highly recommend it.

Well, only an hour left here, then I can go home and enjoy some nice bland chicken soup and go to bed early. Hope everyone else had a more pleasant Turkey Day than I!!