Just Friends - NOT!

Ok, so apparently my theory about the tiki may have been incorrect. Or maybe I really DO have to somehow get it back to Hawaii (which, by the way, we all know is impossible now). Or maybe Mr. South Side’s determination is just stronger than any tiki out there.

Yes, he is calling again. The all-too-familiar Exorcist theme has been blasting from my phone on numerous occasions over the weekend. I had mentioned Friday’s call – SO obviously him. Then he called again on Saturday, this time leaving a message, asking how Roxy and I are doing (and since he has never even MET Roxy, this makes me nervous) and also asking me to call him back. Because we ARE still friends, right? WRONG!!! Wrong wrong wrong on SOOOOOOO many levels!! You know, when I was young and stupid, I firmly believed in the “let’s just be friends” principle. But as I got older, and wiser, I came to realize that for a guy and a girl who were once “together,” it is practically IMPOSSIBLE to be “just friends.”

Now, I say “practically” because I do happen to have one guy friend (yes, just one) that I used to date. And he dumped me and initially I was really bothered, but now I am grateful. Because we are definitely better “friends” material. Keep in mind, though, that we used to date like NINE years ago, and it took like FOUR of those nine years to get past all the “you stupid ass, how could you dump me?” feelings and move on to the “you know, I was really too good for you, anyway” feelings. (No offense, buddy!) I think it was after the girl he dumped ME for dumped HIM that I was able to see him in a different light. So once I got done gloating, we started talking more and actually, I can talk to him now about pretty much anything. With no “unrequited love” bullshit or tension whatsoever. Because we are both SOOO past our past. Which is nice. But DEFINITELY not the norm, if you know what I mean.

Normally what happens is when you end a relationship with the “let’s just be friends” line, MAJOR problems ensue. First of all, when someone breaks things off, the other party will sometimes have a hard time accepting this. Especially if it is sudden (at least, to the break-ee). And the “let’s be friends” line is a way of keeping hope alive. Because as a friend, you still have the opportunity to get that person drunk and seduce them, thus leading back to a relationship. Which will last until the other person wakes up sober and says “We really shouldn’t have done that.” At which point the break-ee usually gets all melancholy and tries to remind the break-er about all their good times together, and how well they get along – even though they are technically “just friends.” This is a mind game that ALWAYS ends badly. Trust me, I know. (Don’t ask HOW – it’s none of your business.)

Also, sometimes the “just friends” thing does work – temporarily. Until the break-er starts dating someone new. Which is always messy, because even if the break-ee is TOTALLY ok with this, new boyfriend or girlfriend usually isn’t. Let’s face it, no one wants to date someone whose ex is hanging around, being their “friend.” Because new boy(girl)friend KNOWS what is really up – that the ex who is now “just a friend” is REALLY waiting around for things to fall apart so they can pick up the pieces. And that is bullshit. Because then new boy(girl)friend feels like they are competing, when they shouldn’t be. So, in order to preserve the new relationship, break-er has to tell break-ee they CAN’T be friends after all. Which in turn makes break-ee even MORE bitter and pissed off and dangerous – because who the hell is this new significant other anyway?? Who are THEY to tell your ex to stay away from you?? Bad, bad things can happen when these feelings arise.

Finally, we have the ever popular “friends with benefits” scenario, which is ok for some people, but not for me. Because there is usually one person involved who still considers this a relationship, even when it’s not. And in time, it winds up going the same route as above, when a new person enters the picture. Or, it winds up making you feel really sleazy. Since “hanging out” with someone on a regular basis that you KNOW you will never feel anything for is really wrong. Unless you work at the Mustang Ranch in Reno. But then you get paid.

So anyway, my point is this: No, Mr. South Side, we can NOT be friends. And honestly, I prefer my friends be able to carry on an intelligent conversation, anyway, and we all know THAT won’t happen. What does he really think this will accomplish? Harassing someone until they agree to be your friend is NOT a good way to go about things. I prefer to make a clean break and move on. (To what, I’m not sure yet.) But obviously Mr. South Side is not making that easy. Let’s see – last message Saturday at 1:51 pm, last phone call last night at 9:28 pm. Anyone care to place odds on when the next call comes in? Better yet – anyone care to guess what the next message will say???