Home Improvements

So as you know, Roxy is in Michigan for the week, which leaves me with plenty of time on my hands. And me with too much free time is a dangerous thing. Last time Roxy spent a couple of days away from home, I decided I didn't like the wallpaper in my bathroom. So I bought some paint and tore it down. Unfortunately, there were several problems with this decision, first of all, I have NEVER painted anything other than a picture (and that was probably last done in high school art), and second, underneath the wallpaper was drywall. Now, to the experienced painter, this may have meant extra work, but not to me. No siree, I just painted right over the drywall. And actually, it doesn't really look half bad. But the whole thing was a real pain in the ass and was a lot harder and more time consuming than I expected.

So you'd think I would've learned my lesson, right? Hell no! After I got back from Michigan (and closed up the stupid garage sale) I started thinking: Wouldn't my bathtub look so much nicer with fresh white caulk? And while I'm at it, I should put in new flooring in the bathroom. Hell, Kathryn did her kitchen floor herself, how hard could a teeny tiny bathroom be? And then maybe when I am done with that, I should clean out my pantry. And put new contact paper on the shelves. Yeah, that's it! When Roxy gets home we'll have a pretty new bathroom floor and a freshly caulked tub, as well as a nice, pretty clean pantry! Cool!

So I went to Home Depot Monday before work and bought everything I thought I would need. At lunchtime I told M I was going to go home and get my tub ready to be caulked, so I probably would be gone a while. I got home and started scraping away the old caulk (per the directions) and guess what? THAT SHIT IS HARD TO DO!!! I was sweating like a pig and my arm was starting to hurt. And it was making a HUGE mess. By the time I finished, I was practically dying. And I still had to go back to work - even though I couldn't shower since there was now no more caulk around my tub. Anyway, after work, I went home and did the actual caulking. Which wasn't that hard at all, and DID look very pretty. Then my mom called, and I was telling her how I just finished caulking and how hard it was to scrape it. She told me that my brother had a little plastic scraper he used, and I told her I was already DONE, that I didn't need a scraper, and she said, "No, he used it to even out the caulk after he applied it." Oh - whatever. Like I was going to do that. Not. I told her I thought my caulk looked just fine, and that I wasn't as anal as my brother. Which just made her sigh like "That's my daughter."

So now that the caulking was done, I still had to do the pantry and the bathroom floor. I started the pantry by taking everything off the shelves and the floor of the pantry, and throwing out everything I either didn't like, was expired, or just looked nasty. I found two cases of pop that I think were left by my dad when he sold me the place, since the cans said "$10 off Great America! Ride the NEW Raging Bull!" - and the Raging Bull has been at Great America for about 10 years now. Gross. That in itself was a job, and when I finished clearing, I was surprised to find that I really need to go grocery shopping. I didn't have as much food as I thought I did. Then I grabbed a roll of contact paper, and started to work on that. You know those pictures of happy suburban housewives putting contact paper on their shelves with a smile? BULLSHIT!! That stuff was made by the DEVIL, I tell you!! If you try to use small sections, it looks stupid, but if you try to use big sections, it all sticks together and won't lay right. While I was wrestling with the contact paper, my neighbor called to tell me he would knock on my door when he got home to fix my toilet.

What? I didn't mention the toilet? Oh, sorry. See, when I pulled up an experimental tile in my bathroom, I noticed that there was quite a bit of dampness around the toilet. My dad told me I probably needed a new "wax ring," and I mentioned this in passing to my neighbor. Turns out he works for a home developing company, and said he could do that for me no problem. But it involved taking out my toilet and then putting it back again. Whatever. The thing was, once he pulled up the toilet, I would have to start putting down the new flooring before he put the toilet back. So after he called, I had to forego the contact paper fight temporarily to rip up all the old linoleum in the bathroom.

Ripping that crap up wasn't easy either. I totally ruined my nails. And the subfloor underneath is all sticky and yukky. When I finally got it all torn up, I surveyed the bathroom. Yes, the tub still looked nice, but the way the floor looked made me pretty nervous. It was pretty wet all by the toilet and bathtub. And stinky, too. But I figured I'd wait until my neighbor got there to see what he thought. Back to the evil contact paper.

He showed up around 8:30, and installed the wax ring thingy with no problem. Then he told me that he wasn't really sure that that was my problem after all. He pointed to the offending floor area (which I was desperately trying to wish dry) and told me that there was no way I could put new flooring over that, because there was obviously mold under it and was rotting away. He also told me that maybe I needed a whole new toilet, that maybe it wasn't the wax ring per se, but the toilet tank and bowl themselves that were leaking since they were so old. And he generously offered to install a new toilet for me if I bought one. Ummm, ok. I guess. I mean, I'm a girl. I know nothing about home improvement, I just PRETEND to. I only want things to look pretty and NOT stink.

Bottom line, I managed to finish the pantry - pretty pretty! But the bathroom is a disaster. Before I put down an old beach towel on the floor, I did get a laugh out of watching one of my cats try walking across the floor while his paws stuck to it with every step. But actually, that shit is NOT funny. Because now I have to call a contractor to come in and fix my whole bathroom floor. Hopefully soon, since I am pretty sure that any water that gets on that sticky subfloor will go right through to my neighbors downstairs. And that would be BAD. And since it is Wednesday already and I haven't even really STARTED the busy work Satan left for me, I am starting to sweat a little. That damn file is HUGE, and I hope I can finish making the stupid directory he wants even if I have to leave for a while to let (hopefully cute) contractors work on my bathroom. Because if I don't, and he fires me, I will REALLY be screwed. Especially since I always decline those "If you lose your job we'll make your credit card payment" offers. And that is what I plan to use to pay the nice contractors.

SO, I guess considering the big picture, it is a good thing I discovered this rotting floor/mold problem now instead of later, to save my home and my health. But I think I am done with do-it-yourself home improvements for a while. At least until Roxy takes another vacation.