I just read a blog that really got to me. You know, for all the time I spend being flip and sarcastic, even I sometimes forget that there is a lot more to my life than what I write. My brother made the comment that it scared him reading some of the things in "The Beginning of the End," pretty much because he was there through it. (Although I was very skilled at keeping things on the down low back then.) I reassured him, and jokingly said that if I ended a blog with "and then Dasi died," well, THEN he could worry. But the bottom line was that it was a long time ago, I had changed, and it DID make for an interesting story.
And then I get whacked upside the head with a really bad memory. I don't want to go into the specifics, but when you have a life with a colorful past such as mine, a lot of things happen that tend to get shoved into the recesses of your mind... and hopefully stay there. Unfortunately, the reality is that bad things DO happen to good people, and no matter how hard you try to forget, you probably never will. The mind is a funny thing, it will protect you from the pain for years, then suddenly BAM! unleash it with a vengeance.
As I wrote in my Fears post, one of my biggest fears is not being liked. I really think that because of this fear, I have an awful habit of always trying to be "on," making people laugh, talking WAYYY too much. Nervous habits, really, just my way of convincing people that I am a good person, that I am fun, that I DESERVE to have friends and be loved. Or is the person I am trying to convince MYSELF? When I think back to the darker parts of my past, between things I have done, people I have hurt, and times I'd like to forget, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes it is really hard to comprehend that I actually LIVED the way I did, and it is almost harder to comprehend how I managed to survive through it all. And now look at me - all better.
Or am I? The strange thing is that although I could never see myself ever doing drugs again, or hanging out with "those people," or throwing away the life I have worked so hard to have, the past just won't let me go. It's fucked with my mind so badly that I pray to God my daughter never has to go through what I did. How do you go on being a normal, happy suburban mom when you've seen roaches crawling over bottles of formula that innocent babies are drinking? Or heard the gunshots that you know probably just killed someone for being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or watched someone OD while everyone else took off? Or listened to an eighteen year old runaway cry about missing her family while she smoked away the last of the money she stole from them? Sometimes I think I've forgotten... but I know I never will.
The house with all the cats? Sure, it is a joking plan because of my bad luck with men... but it is also a way to make sure no one gets too close, or judges too harshly. Mr. South Side may have been a psycho, but in all honesty I think I give off a weird aura anyway that keeps most men away. (Mr. South Side was probably just a little slow on the uptake.) I may act all independent and tough, but sometimes I'm really not. Sometimes I'm just someone who has survived her own personal hell and doesn't feel like she deserves the life she was lucky enough to wind up with. Sometimes I feel alone and scared of what other challenges are in store for me in my future. Sometimes I feel like a big fraud - that I'm not really who everyone thinks I am, and when they realize that, they'll be gone.
But mostly I realize that no matter what, life goes on. And that I have to take the bad with the good, because that's part of who I am. Who I was in the past left me with a lot of bad memories, but I am trying to add lots of better ones now. As far as my insecurities, oh, I'm sure they'll always be there. But I'll try to just keep doing the next right thing and take one day at a time. Maybe the demons will leave me alone for a while again, and hopefully I'll be better prepared to face them next time.
Sorry for the darkness, but I needed the catharsis. Time to step back into the light.
2 comments:
I think everyone goes through those moments of remembering who they were when they were a different, not better, person. Time has a great way of changing people and slowly erasing the things that are painful -- like I use humor as a defense mechanism, forgetting the bad is another one.
It sounds like you're a good mom -- and I think the best thing you can do is exactly what you're doing. Move on and try every day to be the best person you can. I know, it's sappy sounding, but it's true.
Thanks, Amber. Sappy is ok sometimes, especially when it really helps!
I think like I said, it's just a little unnerving when you are moving along just fine concentrating on the present and future when you get hit with the past right between the eyes. Anyway, dealt with it - moving on. Appreciate your tolerance of my unusually dark blog!!
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