Of Mothers and Daughters

On Sunday afternoon, my mother drove out for a visit. I made sure the house was somewhat clean (because, well, you know – it’s MOM) and was just getting ready to sit down when the buzzer rang. Lexie let her in, and our visit began.

First, I burned a CD for her. She had recently seen “Walk the Line” and borrowed her friend’s soundtrack. Since I now had my pretty new computer, I graciously offered to perform this invaluable service for her at any time. After I burned the CD, I wrote out all the names of the songs on the little paper thingy in the case and also wrote the name of the CD on the CD itself in permanent marker. Next, I showed her the pictures from the baby shower online, and offered to let her pick out which ones she wanted prints of. (Well, actually, Lexie helped her pick out the prints, I just did the finalizing once she did.) So in one hour, she would have her very own set of baby shower pictures waiting at Costco.

Now, this is where things get interesting.

I would like to go on record as saying that I LOVE MY MOTHER VERY VERY MUCH. We talk probably several times a day on the phone, and are very close. Generally, Lexie and I will drive out to her place in the city (about a 25 minute drive) almost every weekend. And we don’t mind, we love doing it. Mom is an easy person to hang with. Usually. But I digress.

So anyway, at this point, we are just about ready to go out to lunch. I had suggested Lone Star, because I had a taste for a good steak. Lexie got all “but I really want somewhere that has breakfast” and I put my foot down and told her no. Mom was ok with Lone Star, but you could tell she also wanted to appease her granddaughter (which is why Lexie brought it up again when she did – we had already HAD that discussion BEFORE my mom arrived, and I had said no). ANYWAY. I convinced mom that Lexie would be FINE, and it didn’t always have to be about her. So – begin tension.

Then as I’m shutting down the computer, Lexie walks up with an orange and asks me to “start it” for her. Ok, um – LUNCH?? I reminded her we were leaving in like five minutes, and she got all pouty. So I said, “Fine. You know what? Eat the orange. Because I want to stop somewhere quick first, and I don’t want you to STARVE.”

Ok, here comes the good part, so pay attention:

Mom: Where are we stopping?
Me: Nowhere. (Rolling my eyes trying to indicate I don’t want to say in front of Lexie)
Mom: But you just SAID we were stopping somewhere. I just want to know WHERE we are stopping.
Me: A clothes store. For Lexie. (See, I actually wanted to stop at this new resale shop called Plato’s Closet just to see what they had for Lexie – and Lexie had told me previously she would NEVER buy anything from there. Hence, by not mentioning the name, I was avoiding a huge whiny complaining session.)
Mom: WHAT clothes store? Like JC Penneys? Can I buy something?
Me: NO, MOM! IT’S A KID’S CLOTHES STORE!
Mom: Well, WHY can’t you tell me the name??
Me: I’D JUST RATHER NOT SAY RIGHT NOW, OK?????
(Ok, at this point, I could feel my face flushing as it does when I am getting frustrated or angry. But I am trying hard to control it.)
Mom: You DON’T have to yell at me! I just don’t understand WHY you can’t tell me what store it is!
Me: LOOK, MOM, I AM TRYING TO SAY THAT I REALLY DON’T WANT TO SAY THE NAME RIGHT NOW, OK???? YOU can’t buy anything there, it is for LEXIE, and I just would RATHER NOT SAY THE NAME!
Mom: (Huffy) WELL! I never said I wanted to buy anything! I just ASKED the name! If you WANTED it to be a surprise, you should’ve just SAID you wanted it to be a surprise!
Me: I TRIED TO SAY I DIDN’T WANT TO SAY THE NAME!! YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN!! (Deep breath) Look, I don’t need this. Just forget it. We won’t go.
Mom: Noooooooo. We’ll GO. Just because I drove ALL THE WAY OUT HERE…
Me: (?????) Ok, MOM? PLEASE DON’T START. PLEASE. All I wanted was to have a NICE day, and now we’re YELLING at each other and this whole thing is RIDICULOUS!
Mom: Yes, it IS ridiculous. And you get WAY too crazy. Just LOOK at you. After I drove ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.
Me: MOM!! WHA???? OK, THAT’S IT. YOU CAN JUST GO HOME IF THAT IS HOW YOU’RE GOING TO BE. I’M NOT DEALING WITH THIS ALL AFTERNOON!! ALL I WANTED WAS A NICE DAY, AND NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME I’M CRAZY!!
Mom: Look at you! You need a tranquilizer, or something…
(then Mom goes into the bathroom)

This conversation ended when she did that. But when she came back out, I tried to calmly explain to her that all I wanted was for us to have a nice day. That this was stupid, yelling over the name of a store. And that I just thought she should listen to me a little more and not push my buttons.

Mom: Do you hear yourself? “I I I.” Everything is about YOU!
Me: Know what? I can think of something I’d like to say that ends in “you!”
Mom: WHAT DID YOU SAY??
(Ok, yes, I crossed the line and therefore reverted back to childhood by responding thusly)
Me: nothing.

The woman was like a pitbull with a chihuahua in its grip. She WOULD NOT LET IT GO. We drove in silence. I had to first stop at an ATM, so I found one I had to go into just to give us each a break. I left her chain smoking in the car with my daughter.

When I got back I realized that even those few minutes helped. The whole thing WAS utterly ridiculous, and I really did not want to ruin the rest of the day. So I stuck my toe in the water.

Me: So, have you talked to Bob since the other day?
Mom: (puff) No.
Me: So how’s your friend Joyce doing?
Mom: (puff) Ok.

I shook my head.

Me: Well, ok, then, when you decide you want to talk, let me know. Because I’m at least TRYING here. So, are we still going to lunch or what?
Mom: I guess so. I mean, whatever YOU want to do. We'll go wherever YOU want.

I couldn't win, so I shut the hell up.

After sulking a few minutes longer, the thaw came. And by the time we got to lunch, all was forgotten. And honestly? IT WAS FRICKIN STUPID!!! All that yelling over what?? NOTHING.

The day ended on a happy note, no more yelling. But that night, when Lexie and I were lying in bed, we had our own conversation.

Lexie: Mom?
Me: Yeah?
Lexie: Grandma DID say she wanted to buy something. Even though she told you she didn’t. I heard her.
Me: (sigh) I know, Lex.
Lexie: And what was up with the whole, “I drove ALL THE WAY HERE” thing?? WE drive by her all the time!
Me: (sigh) I know, Lex.

Pause.

Lexie: Know what’s funny, mom?
Me: What, Lex?
Lexie: When you and Grandma were yelling, it kind of sounded like you and ME.
Me: Yup, kiddo, I guess it’s a mother/daughter thing.
Lexie: And the daughter’s always right.
Me: Yup. I mean – WAIT A MINUTE!

(Snickering on Lexie’s side of the bed.) But she’s right – it IS a mother/daughter thing. You love each other to death, but you drive each other crazy. And without that craziness? Life wouldn’t be the same.

And by the way? I SOOOOO do NOT need tranquilizers!!!