Waiting on a Friend

I watched a new show last night called “Reunion,” mostly because it was a show about a group of friends who graduated high school in 1986, which is when I graduated high school. Well, that and it got good reviews. (Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll watch pretty much anything on TV – even though I am REALLY trying hard to cut down.) Anyway, it did turn out to be a pretty good show, but it also kind of bummed me out. Because the whole show revolves around these six friends who have been friends like FOREVER, and remain friends even twenty years after their graduation. (The fact that one of them eventually gets offed by another is irrelevant to my tale.) See, I don’t have a group of friends like that. I USED to, and had I played my cards differently, I probably still could have, but I don’t. So here’s what was going through my mind last night after watching that: I wish I had what THEY do. (Minus the DUI, teen pregnancy, jail, and murder, of course.)

When I was in grammar school, I had a best friend named Ann. We were best friends from first grade all the way through eighth. Along the way, we added to our clique, and the final group consisted of myself, Ann, Linda, Suzy, and Dawn. But Ann and I were always BEST friends. We used to tape record made up stories just for the fun of it, we ruled at Science Password (see, we memorized our own coded clues), and we played deep deep DEEP center field in kickball in gym together (for both teams – we just stayed in center field the whole game). We learned how to walk on stilts, pogo-stick, and rollerskate together. We even spent a nightmare week together in summer camp. Her family was like mine, and vice-versa. When we started high school, a friend of her family’s had a daughter starting with us. Ann had known her in passing, but since she would now be in our school, she started hanging with us as well. So our group added Sheila.

I’m not sure if I got jealous of the time Ann was spending with Sheila, or if I just got bored with hanging out with the “nice” girls, but I slowly drifted out of our group. And found a new best friend by the end of my sophomore year, Marilee. She was cool and pretty, and the total opposite of my old friends. Who all still hung out together. I started working in the hospital across the street in junior year, and met still more people. Marilee and I stayed “best friends” in theory, but I now had a couple other “best friends” too. When I left for college, I met more new people and again found a new best friend. Her name was Amy, and she was a year older than me. We had good times that year, until the end, and Amy actually wound up marrying a good friend of mine. But she didn’t invite me to the wedding, because even though I introduced them, it turned out Amy had issues, and thought I was after her husband to be. (What??) So Amy and I kind of stopped being best friends.

The summer after my sole year in college, I found another new best friend, Angie. We became best friends after we found out we were dating the same guy, but both liked his brother more. (A long story for another time.) This is not the smartest way to become best friends, let me tell you. It worked for a while, but eventually puttered out. And by then I had met my current best friend, Diane, while working at Red Lobster. (Oh, THAT’S a good story, too – I’ll definitely have to blog that one!!) Anyway, around this time, I also met Kevin, who basically (yet inadvertently) made me lose any hope of having a best friend at all, due to all the complications arising out of a relationship with him (see The Beginning of the End for more info on THAT). So Diane became “lost friend” (temporarily, don’t worry) and then I had no best friend at all for several years.

Eventually after I straightened out my life, I tracked down Diane and we reinstated our “best friend” status, which is still in effect today. I also reconnected with some good friends from my past, and made several new friends as an adult, through my daughter’s friends (their moms), work, and neighbors. But I don’t have that one clique that knows everything about me from forever ago.

Diane comes pretty close, and my other friend Julie does too (since she’s known me since high school), and I guess if you want to get technical, my cousin Karyn knows a lot about me going all the way back to before we could talk… but because of my lost years with Kevin, even SHE doesn’t know EVERYTHING. And I sometimes feel like I’m all alone because of that. Since Diane is way up in Michigan, I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like, and she’s hard to get a hold of a lot since she works full-time and has three VERY active daughters. Julie is busy a lot too, and she’s getting married on top of everything else, so her time is pretty limited. And Karyn? With three kids and a fourth on the way, I think our conversations never last longer than two minutes.

But these people on tv have their whole group to lean on. Which, like I said in the beginning, I could’ve had, but threw away. I know this because I’ve seen my old group several times over the years, and hear about them too. It’s the same as it was back in grammar school, but now Sheila has replaced me. And they all stood up for each other’s weddings, and are godmothers to their kids, and get together for holiday parties and birthdays, and their kids are all friends… I’m jealous. And I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I HADN’T gotten bored in high school – how different things would be.

Because now even WITH friends I often feel alone. I make a big deal of being the girl who is always there if you need anything, who will show up for everyone’s parties or demonstrations or get-togethers, the girl the whole family knows will never miss a function and can tell you any relatives address, phone number or kids’ names… But my BEST best friend is in Michigan and sometimes I wonder if my other friends just stay my friends out of pity for me, you know, single mom, no boyfriend, dull life… Yes, folks, insecurity central. I know I’ve made my own decisions, and apparently I DO have regrets, but ultimately this is the life I’ve chosen for myself. And it’s not BAD by any means, just sometimes kind of… lonely.

Well, at least I have my blog.