Her Own Kris Rogowski

Lexie's Kris Rogowski

My daughter went out for a walk with her friend Kara last night (well, at like 6:00 – it wasn’t DARK out or anything) and came back 45 minutes later. I was on the phone with my aunt when she walked in, and she paused for a minute, looked at me, and announced, “I don’t want dinner tonight, I’m going to bed.” She turned toward her bedroom (but REALLLY slowly – you know, waiting for me to stop her) and I said, “Wait a minute! What do you mean, “I don’t want dinner?’” She turned back and replied, “I’m not hungry, I’m going to bed. I’m tired.”

Well, at this point, I told my aunt adios, because there was obviously a bit more to the story than Lexie was telling me. First of all, my daughter is always STARVING. Not just hungry, mind you, but STARVING. As if I never feed her. So for her to say she wants to skip dinner, well, that’s just absurd. Second, I have yet to meet a fifth grader who will voluntarily go to bed at 6:45. Tired or not. So I asked her what was wrong. I’ll give you three guesses what her answer was…

Give up? “Nothing.”

And then she flopped down on the couch with a sigh and picked up her Nintendo DS. It didn’t take long for me to realize what was going on here – my daughter was suffering from Kris Rogowski Syndrome. KRS, as I like to call it, is something that most people have gone through at some point in their lives. It is more prevalent in girls, and although many boys have also had KRS, it’s usually not as severe. KRS is what happens when you have a friend who runs hot and cold. A friend that torments you mercilessly, only to call you later and invite you over to play. A friend who your parents can’t quite figure out, because if they say anything bad about her, you will jump to her defense. A friend you bend over backwards to please, and sometimes wind up getting kicked in the teeth for your efforts.

This is the friend who can be your best pal in one instant, then whip out the knife the next. OR – this friend can go for weeks (or even months) without a single bad episode, then suddenly stop talking to you altogether. I had this friend when I was about Lexie’s age – her name was Kris Rogowski (hence the Syndrome). I don’t know how many emotional beatings I took from this girl until I realized I was sick of it, AND until all my other friends caught on to her mind games too. Because you see, KRS affects not only the main person, it also affects the other kids. Secondhand-smoke style. When one kid becomes the victim of KRS, all the other kids may avoid her for a time. Or join in the tormenting to appease the Sybil-like friend. To this day, I can’t explain the how’s or why’s of KRS, but apparently there is no cure for it, it just runs its course.

Lexie was deep in the throes of KRS and all I could do was watch helplessly. She finally told me that Kara was mad at her (again) and being mean to her (again) and she didn’t know why. I could see the frustration in her face, and although I empathized with her, I also knew there was nothing I could do. Except tell her about Kris Rogowski.

She listened intently as I relived my moments of aggravation and sadness, of feeling like I was a nobody and everybody liked Kris better than me. She nodded her head when I told her how there were some friends who stuck by me, and others who stuck with Kris. She looked surprised when I explained that every time Kris was mean to me, she always wound up pretending nothing ever happened and everything was fine completely out of the blue. And when I told her that although Kris could be really mean, she was also pretty nice sometimes, she blurted out, “Just like Kara!”

Bingo. Lexie’s tale of woe was eerily similar to mine, and seeing it from a parent’s perspective really sucked. I knew the long-term outcome, but I also knew that for now their friendship would seesaw back and forth and there was nothing I could do about it. Kara IS a good kid, I like her (just like I liked Kris Rogowski), but she definitely has the power-trip vibe going on. Which is the main component of KRS. KRS only affects kids who are nice kids that everybody likes. The other friend gets jealous and wants more attention and “power” and therefore puts down the victim. Which is why there is the whole “I don’t know why she is being so mean” factor. I honestly don’t think any kid involved really understands this syndrome – even the Kris Rogowski. I think it is a subconscious desire that is uncontrollable – but still not nice.

Anyway, after talking it out with my Lexie, we came to the conclusion that she would ride it out. She sighed and told me, “She’ll probably call me tomorrow to go out walking again and pretend like nothing happened.” Smart girl, my Lexie. She may not be able to escape KRS, but at least she has a better understanding of it. And hopefully will grow to be a better person for it.

After our talk, I asked her if she had changed her mind about dinner. And bedtime. She grinned, and admitted that she WAS pretty hungry. Then wound up playing Nintendo until about 9:30. So all is well, at least for now.

I don’t know whatever happened to the original Kris Rogowski, my instigator of KRS, but I have a feeling her children are probably keeping with tradition and spreading the syndrome. Or maybe they are on the receiving end… karma, you know??