The Ultimate Survivor

Yesterday I attended a family party for my grandmother’s 88th birthday. (Holla out to Gram – 88 and lookin’ great!) It was held at my aunt’s condo, which was obviously too small for the whole family, so we all congregated on her shared back lawn. At some point during this party, my father commented, “This family is getting too damn big.” As I looked around at all my aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins’ spouses, and cousins’ kids, I realized he was right. Which was the reason we seldom were able to get everyone together. There just aren’t many places that can hold the entire family. So I was struck with a thought: What if we decided to start “voting off” people just like on Survivor? At this point, my brother offered to be the first voted off. (I think he was kidding, I mean, only LOSERS volunteer to be voted off – case in point Janu and Osten.) But the more I thought about it, the more interesting the concept became. Obviously, we couldn’t really get rid of family members on a permanent basis (after all, we weren’t the Sopranos), but what if ever week or so, we had a private ballot to vote off family members we wouldn’t really miss at the next gathering? That way, we could get together more often and have room for everyone. I’d really like to stick with tradition and get the old parchment paper and big pen, and maybe set up a vidcam to record our thoughts, just like on the real Survivor. One of my cousins thought that if we did that, the babies would likely be the first casualties. But I beg to differ – the babies are pretty cute, and are very seldom annoying. No, I would think that the moments caught on vidcam would go along the lines of this: “Sorry, Uncle So-and-So, but your jokes are just getting too old.” Or “Sorry, Cousin So-and-So, but I’m tired of hearing about your perfect life.” (NOTE TO ANY OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS READING THIS: In all honesty, I would have an excruciatingly DIFFICULT time doing this, as I love you all so much and can find not a single fault in any of you. But, as in the real Survivor, I would have to keep in mind, it’s all part of the game and go with the strongest alliance.) (Which, by the way, would probably include my grandfather Poppops. If he didn’t get voted off first.) The way I see it, eventually we would be left with two groups of people, the people voted off and the others, and all family parties would then be divided as such. So there would be no more overcrowded family parties. Maybe every once in a while we could throw a monkey wrench in the whole thing, (again like the real Survivor) and vote someone back ON again. You know, just to keep in touch with the poor souls voted off.

And as I contemplated Family Survivor, it occurred to me that this could pretty much work in all aspects of life. Just imagine: “Neighbor Survivor.” Vote out the most obnoxious person (or family) in your building or block. That would be sweet. And you could keep doing it until you finally are happy with ALL your neighbors. And if they eventually start to bug you too, vote again. (Of course, I am assuming I won’t get voted off. Maybe I will take on the role of Jeff Probst, just to assure my own safety.)

How about “Work Survivor?” (Although I think this may not work too well, since I would assume most people would vote off their employers, and may wind up cutting off their nose to spite their face.)

And finally, I really think professional sports should use the Survivor method as well. Just think of how much sooner Sammy would’ve been gone had the Cubs been able to vote him off. It would raise morale and make sports more interesting, if at the beginning of every game they had a “Tribal Council” instead of a pregame show, and each team got rid of a player. Maybe what they could do is take the players voted off and make them play for the opposing team. Think of how much fun THAT would be!

Anyway, I just really thought that life in general would be a lot more interesting if more people were concerned about being voted off whatever – and maybe make them better people in the process. But I guess we’ll never know. (That is, unless some CBS exec read this, in which case, please contact me, I have even MORE ideas than these!)