Bathing Not-So-Beauties

I went out for lunch today to run some errands, and it was HOT. Like it has been for the past few days, and is supposed to be for – well, maybe FOREVER according to the weatherman. (Ok, so maybe not forever, per se, but at least through the whole 7-day forecast.) As long as I have my central air and access to my pool, I enjoy the heat. Which means summer is definitely my favorite season. And believe it or not, today is officially the first day of summer. (Yup, all this time you have been swimming and picnicking in the SPRING. Go figure.)

Anyway, since I converted to suburban-ism some four or so years ago, I have had access to a pool. Before that, the only time I swam as an adult was on the off-chance I got invited somewhere, or if I went on vacation. But NOW, oh, how I love my pool!! Every chance I get, I will be out lounging and reading, or lounging and sleeping, or lounging and talking, or sometimes just lounging. (Now that I’ve used the word “lounging” so much, it sounds weird, doesn’t it? It does to me. Lounging lounging lounging. The English language is the most screwed up language on the planet. Lounging. Very strange. But I digress…) Unlike many of the other people (especially women) my age, however, I have no problem jumping into the pool and getting my hair wet – and you’ll NEVER catch me wearing makeup or my shades in the pool. To me, the whole purpose of going to the pool is to cool off, and you can’t do that just lounging (there’s that word again!!). Sure, lounging is relaxing, and I will lounge to tan for a while, but basically a trip to the pool means SWIMMING. Getting WET. Having FUN. And there are always people there you just KNOW will never get even one manicured toenail wet.

Can you see where I am going with this? If not, let me make myself perfectly clear: I cannot STAND those bimbos who hang out at the pool simply to boost their egos. You know who I mean, the girls in the micro-bikinis who look like they just came out of a salon. Girls who are usually ALREADY more tan than most people get in their lifetime, yet “lay out” supposedly to tan some more. Give me a break. That is bullshit. They are probably just lying there thinking “Oh, I KNOW you’re looking at me. Cause I know I’m HOT. BUT YOU CAN’T HAVE ME!!” Now, for all you guys out there reading this, I’m sure you think that this is just fine and dandy. A little eye candy never hurt anyone, right? But this is supposed to be a FAMILY pool, not a strip tease club. And watching all the guys between 13 and 90 drooling over these exhibitionists is really annoying. But, believe it or not, there are those at the pool who annoy me even MORE than the Prima Donnas, and those are the Wannabe Prima Donnas.

The Wannabes are the girls who, no matter how hard they try, just aren’t Prima Donnas. They may be a bit overweight (or a LOT overweight) or maybe just a little too old to be wearing the bikini they poured into. These are the women who make me cringe every time I see them. I mean, I know for a fact I don’t look the same as I did fifteen years ago, and hell, even then I was body-conscious. Which meant I would NEVER, EVER try to wear a bathing suit that a) accentuated my body’s worst features, b) allowed fat rolls to pour over the top of the bottoms, c) rode up my ass crack even though it wasn’t a thong, d) was so small it made my body look like a sausage trying to escape its casing, or d) allowed my boobs to hang down to my belly button. Yet every summer, there are a number of these women who proudly strut into the pool area without a clue. I don’t get it. I mean, they MUST have mirrors, right? How can these women go out in public wearing what they wear??? I feel sorry for these women more on principle than anything else. Maybe they just don’t see it. Maybe they refuse to acknowledge that just because a bathing suit will go on your body, doesn’t necessarily mean it fits well. Or fits you well.

Lord knows like most of the other women out there, I tend to panic when I realize I need a new swimsuit, but at least I am realistic, for God’s sake. Yes, I tried the “tankini,” and laughed at how ridiculous it looked. I tried some of the higher cut leg styles, and the lower cut top styles (actually, the lower cut top styles weren’t too bad…), but ultimately, I opted for a respectable one-piece that may not be “hot,” but that flatters my middle aged figure and won’t fall off when I jump in the pool. So guess what? I think this year I will just try to ignore the Prima Donnas and stop snickering at the Wannabes, and be grateful I’m not as pathetic as any of them. Morons. (Look, I said “TRY,” allright? Geez!!)