If I won the lottery, there would be lots of very happy people. Because I am not the type of person who would be able to just say "Ha Ha screw you" and spend all my money myself. Nope, as mentioned in my previous post, I am a people pleaser, and want people to like me, and what better way to get people to like you than to pay them? But before you start commenting on this post and trying to PRETEND you are someone I should give some of my winnings to, let me make clear that I pretty much already have the whole thing planned out.
First of all, I never play the lottery unless the jackpot is WAY high. I have no use for a piddling 10 or 12 million, no that wouldn't work with my plans. I need one of those JUMBO jackpots, like at least 100 million. So let's say one day those magic balls fall into all the right places and I am holding the winning ticket. This is what I would do:
Right off the bat, I would sign that sucker in permanent ink. (Unless I fainted first, which I don't think I would do, since I have never fainted. But you never know.) Then I would probably call my mom, who wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't blame her, of course, but once I convinced her, she would probably start having heart palpatations. So manybe I'd better wait on mom until I can be with her. Ok, so I wouldn't call ANYONE. Which would really suck, because this is definitely the kind of thing you want to tell people. But not too many, or the media would find out and ruin my one chance to take care of some very important business. Which is this: after I finally got to sleep and managed to grasp the fact that I was now a multimillionaire, I would call an attorney first thing in the morning. But not an investment attorney, oh no, I would call a FAMILY LAW attorney. And I would schedule a meeting asap to draw up papers terminating my daughter's loser father's (who doesn't pay shild support and hasn't seen her since she was 5 months old) parental rights. Not until after all the papers were signed and the Judge's stamp appplied to those documents would I announce my winnings. And I have no doubt he'd sign, because he's an asshole and would think that this meant he would never have to pay child support and could quit skippping from job to job to avoid it. This would be true, of course, but with no legal ties to me or my daughter, he wouldn't have any claim to our millions either, and would have to stay away. (Ha! Ha! That is one of my favorite parts of winning the lottery!) Obviously, since I was busy with this attorney (because I won on a Tuesday night drawing, so it was Wednesday now), I would also call the attorney I work for, and tell him I was sick. SICK OF WORKING FOR HIM, THAT IS!!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! And I would leave voice mails for the other attorney and the other paralegal and tell them I wasn't coming back, but would take care of them too. I wouldn't be able to go into details since my termination of parental rights papers weren't official yet, but I'd trust them not to say anything if they did guess the truth. Because if they did tell anyone, I wouldn't give them anything and they would have to work forever.
I would also call up Chip or Jeff (or maybe both since I would be so unbelieveably wealthy) to get to work on some investment planning. I'd probably invest at least $20 million of the $50M or so I would clear, because I would have plans for the rest. And even as un-financial savvy as I am, I am pretty sure I could manage to live VERY comfortably on the returns from $20M in investments.
Ok, now for the fun part. I quit my job, asshole is legally gone, and I invested $20M. So now I have about $30M in pocket money, right? First off, I would give my two co-workers $250K each. They deserve it. Enough to quit on, and take care of some shit. But I'm not going to support them, obviously. Each of my parents, my grandparents, and my brother and sister-in-law would get $1M (totalling $4M), each set of aunts and uncles (12 in all) would get $250K, each cousin would get $100K (except for my one cousin who I won't name - her cut will go towards rehab for her and college for her kids, otherwise I know where it will wind up). Ok, so right now I've given away about $12.5M. Which leaves $17.5 M. Ok, good buddies, this is where you come in!! Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 5 or 6 people who will get a chunk. Won't say who, though. (That way ALL my friends will stay on their toes!) Seriously, if you’ve been a good friend, odds are pretty good I’ll take care of you. On the other hand, if you always blow me off, or never call, or can’t pass the specially-designed “How Much Do You Know About Me?” quiz I will design to root out my REAL friends after I win (ok, the quiz is a joke. But it may not be a bad idea, actually…) fuggetabouttit. All right, after taking care of my buds, I’ve got somewhere in the neighborhood of $10M. Party time!!!
I’d definitely move, probably to those new houses they are building across the street, because my daughter likes them and she will want to stay with her friends. But I wouldn’t pack anything, I’d hire people to do that. Hell, I’d hire people to do EVERYTHING. I’d just pay the bills. Decorate my new house. Move my stuff. Get me a new wardrobe. Clean my new house. Build a pool. Etc and so on.
I’d have to travel a lot, because there is a lot I would like to see. Don’t know where yet. Maybe Australia. Probably Europe, just because. Oh, and a cruise!! But I would book that ridiculously expensive executive suite that every cruise ship has. With a butler. And it would be a two week cruise, that could go longer if I wanted it to.
Of course, I’d need a new car. But with that I’d be more conservative. No Bentley or Rolls or anything like that. Maybe just a Lexus. A Lexus convertible. That talks. Cool.
Wow, am I tired out from spending all this money!! But not so tired that I forgot about my party! I would have this HUGE party, hire the best party planner in the country (maybe the world) to handle the details, but Aerosmith would definitely play there. And Bo Bice. (Not Carrie, I hate her) And when they were done playing, they could just hang out and party with us. And if things haven’t worked out with the guy I met on the south side (although, why wouldn’t they have? I’d be mega-rich!!) I would probably allow either Bo or Joe Perry to be my date for the evening. (But only if Joe divorces Billie first. Which he would, for me.)
I think I’ve probably spent the rest of my money by now and would have to dip into my investments. But that would be ok, because after I finished everything above, I would be done. And could manage on only a few thou a week. (Which the interest on my investments would cover nicely.)
And then I’d live happily ever after.
3 comments:
My oh my...somebody didnt get a whole lot of sleep last night. I dont think I would give away quite as much money as you, yep, I definitley wouldnt. I would, however, have the few freinds who would take a bullet for me live with me just like on the worlds greatest HBO series Entourage. I think that would be thanks enough.
On another note, thanks for the props on Shady Dreams. Glad you could relate...I'll talk to you soon...and keep reading.
I agree that Entourage is awesome, obviously you have superb taste. No one else believes me when I tell them how good it is. Don’t know if I would live with anyone though in real life, it would have to be a mighty big house so I could still have my space when someone like Drama or Turtle started getting on my nerves. Thanks for the input!
I’ll definitely keep reading Shady Dreams – and would appreciate it if you would reciprocate and up my hit counter… though I’ll probably never catch up to yours!
You know, I meant to say keep writing and not keep reading. I was trying to type and talk on the phone at the same time and, just like walking and chewing gum, I sometimes screw it up. I, nevertheless, will keep reading and promoting to get your hit counter to the proper altitude.
Peace...and I'm out.
Post a Comment