So I had a moment of clarity last night. And guess what? I have decided that the South Side guy I met isn’t someone I want to continue a relationship with. Yes, he is a nice guy, and yes, I had a good time on Sunday, but the click isn’t there. And true to form, immediately after parting company I started overanalyzing the entire situation. Which is a really bad thing, I know, brought on by my own insecurity and fear. So I discussed the situation with several friends, and was told that I should just stop thinking about it and go with the flow. See what happens. Give him some time. Don’t give up on the relationship before it has even really started. And you know what? They were right.
But I still don’t think this is going to work.
Maybe I am just so NOT used to being in a relationship that every one I start is destined to fail in my mind before it moves beyond the first few dates. Maybe I am mentally sabotaging every potential relationship I encounter. Or maybe I have a fear of commitment.
Naaah. I think my only problem is that after waiting for 36 years, I don’t want to settle. And really, I don’t think I SHOULD. Your basic “nice guy” (case in point – Mr. South Side) isn’t enough for me. Physically, things were great. There was definitely an animal attraction, no doubt. But I need more than that. And THAT, my friends, is what I wasn’t getting.
Obviously I am a very opinionated, speak your mind kind of woman. So I enjoy mental stimulation as well. Which I wasn’t getting – AT ALL. Conversations were pretty much limited to “So, are you working tonight?” “Yeah.” “Well, stay out of trouble.” “Yeah. Call you tomorrow, babe.” (Yes, the ‘babe’ part was nice, but I need more.) Tell me how you feel about Iraq. Or gay marriage. Or Reality TV. Or Project Mongoose (still waiting for a new segment on that one). But TALK!!!!!! I tried on Sunday to start an intelligent conversation, but didn’t get far. And the info I DID get out of him wasn’t really scoring him any points.
So now I am at a stalemate, I haven’t told him (obviously) that it just isn’t working, I’m really bad at things like that. I may possibly go out with him once more, just to double check and make sure my instincts are right (and maybe “hang out” for a final time), but I’m not even sure about that. I’ve realized that lately rather than finding people I truly feel connected or happy with, I have been finding people I feel I SHOULD be happy with. And there is a HUGE difference between the two.
One good thing has come out of this whole thing, though (besides the obvious). I have decided it is time to actively start looking for the person who will complete me. No more sitting around waiting for fate – I’m tired of that. My requirements may cause many guys to turn tail and run, but this time I am going the route of complete honesty. What I want is important, and I know there is someone out there who is looking for me, too. And dammit, I think I deserve the whole “true love” thing too. Which does NOT include settling for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right.
Let the journey begin.
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