Note: This was originally posted on 6/7/05, long before any of you were gracing my blog with your readership. So therefore, I am technically "cheating," but in my defense I am trying very hard to organize in my head the next chapter of "TBOTE" and get it posted for y'all. So I hope you enjoy the rerun most of you probably never read anyway.
Let’s talk about fear. Good, old fashioned, heart-palpitating fear. Everyone in the world is afraid of something, whether or not they care to admit it. Personally, I am afraid of several things, which I would like to share with you. Just don’t EVER use this information against me. Please.
First of all, I am very scared of snakes. I just cannot deal with something moving around like that WITH NO FEET. Totally gives me the chills. (Don’t even start on me about fish – WAY different.) I mean, I can be in the same room with them, don’t get me wrong, I’ve actually taken my daughter to Reptile Fest a couple times, but if I see one start to slither towards me - forget about it. I actually remember hearing once that snakes can’t get up stairs, something about them not being able to bend their bodies enough to maneuver them, so I prefer living in second floor units. And if it turns out that this is just an old wives’ tale, I’d rather not even know. In any case, I just am totally freaked out by snakes. I really believe they are evil and gross. And this has nothing to do with religion, they just look evil to me. Which brings me to my second big fear.
Almost every religion has their own perception of an afterlife. And I cannot deal with that. The afterlife, I mean. I am probably more afraid of death than I am of snakes (makes sense, right?). Actually, it’s not really death I am afraid of, it is what comes after death. Which, depending on what your beliefs are, may include total nothingness, eternal life, or anything in-between. To be honest, I’m not too keen on either of the first two options. Both total nothingness and eternal life are concepts my pithy little mind simply cannot grasp. In fact, every time I think about either one, I get sick to my stomach. You know, hurling-your-guts-out AFRAID. Because I know someday (hopefully far far in the future) I will find out exactly what happens when you die, as we all will, and I don’t think I like either option. But I have kind of tried to overcome my fear by convincing myself that MAYBE when you die, you do go to heaven, meet all the people you used to know while you were alive that have already passed on (maybe a few you’ve always WANTED to meet, just for good measure), chatted with God and waited for all your other relatives to meet you, then after spending a while in this heavenly reunion, you get sent back to earth to start all over again. Reincarnated, if you will. Only hopefully as a person, and not like a rock or anything. That would really suck. Ok, time to move on, my stomach is starting to hurt.
Finally, my other big fear is that nobody likes me. Yup, we’re talking childish popularity contest fears here. Every now and then, I get the feeling that everyone is just pretending they like me, and that as soon as I turn around, they all laugh at me and discuss how stupid they all think I am. So I get paranoid. I mean, I think I’m an ok person, but once in a while I get freaked out and start overanalyzing everything. You know – when someone forgets to call you, innocent mistake, but you think they are deliberately avoiding you. Or when you see two co-workers or friends or relatives talking and laughing, and they stop when you come near them. And when you ask about it, they say “Oh, it was nothing.” (Come to think of it, maybe I’m NOT paranoid – maybe people ARE against me…) I think that may be why I have such an innate need to always be the “good guy” and the “people pleaser.” But maybe that really just annoys the hell out of everyone. Maybe they all wish I would get attacked by snakes and die. Maybe everyone in the whole world hates my guts and won’t even be waiting for me in the afterlife, and I won’t even go to heaven, I’ll go to a hell where everything is run by giant SNAKES and it will go on for INFINITY and not only do all the PEOPLE hate me, but the SNAKES hate me too…
Hmmm. I think I’m leaning toward psychosis here. Not a good thing. Anyway, I really try not to dwell on my fears, and then they don’t bother me. Usually. But they are legitimate fears, don’t you think? I mean, at least they’re not STUPID fears…
Did I mention my brother is afraid of squirrels?
6 comments:
hmm. my biggest fear used to be being alone. not like "i'll never find the one for me!" .. more like "hell would be a huge empty land with literally no one else there." however, having just recently alone-d myself out of a somewhat consuming relationship... i'm enjoying the alone more than usual ;-P
no true phobias that i can think of though.
I'm afraid of Spiders. For some reason I can't think of anything else, but I'm the biggest chicken shit you'd ever meet. So the list would go on and on.
interesting. one friend had an interesting theory on the whole life after thingy. it's a whole sir isaac newton thing: energy is neither created nor destroyed, so therefore, that energy that we all carry around with us, the energy that creates the feeling when you know someone is looking over your shoulder or whatever, never really goes away. so therefore, your energy, will always be around, wherever the body ends up. and as susan sarandon said in "stepmom" we live on in the memories of the people who loved us!
I'm with you Kiki! Snakes too though but once I held a "baby" boa-constrictor and it took all of my innebriated effort ;)
Phobias. Insecurities. I suppose life would be ultra boring without them.
I am totally afraid of earthquakes. Ugh. And I live in the heart of earthquake country.
I'm scared of centipedes. I'm scared of having certain conversations. I'm not really scared of death. I'm scared of failure. I hear you on the snakes and I understand your fear of death. Squirrels though?
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