Birdbrains

To All My Fine Feathered Friends:

I realize that the weather has been nicer and I am just as happy about it as you are. HOWEVER, I don’t feel the need to announce my happiness at 4:00 am every damn morning as at least one of you apparently does. Can’t you wait until I get up? Like, at least until 6:30 or 7:00?? I know they say the early bird catches the worm, but if you just sit in the tree directly outside my window singing a stupid song first thing every morning, you obviously aren’t going to get any worms at all. Because, you see, worms don’t live in trees. I think you should get your breakfast and THEN maybe sing a little. And where on earth did you learn to sing so LOUD? Honestly! I got new windows installed this year with 3” thick glass and your incessant trilling is loud and clear, even when they are shut. I have tried using earplugs, but I really don’t like having things stuck in my ears, and also I am afraid one of these days I will not be able to hear my alarm and never wake up at all. So if you please, either sing a little later or go somewhere else. Otherwise, I may be compelled to do something drastic, like buy a BB gun and nail you right between your stupid little happy birdie eyes right in mid-song.

So anyway. Let’s continue, shall we? Mr. Cardinal – I love you because you are so pretty and red. But I can’t help but wonder why you bother coming to my balcony and stealing the peanuts I put out for the squirrels. I realize that I also used to put out sunflower seeds (but have since stopped – talk about a mess!) and that you enjoyed them immensely, but shelled peanuts? Pretty impressive watching you fly off with one in your tiny little beak, but I wonder if you are able to actually EAT them or if you just enjoy pissing off the squirrels? And Mr. and Mrs. Sparrow – I am tickled that you enjoy the birdhouse I have hung out for you and your little family, but easy on the décor, ok? Grass and feathers and string are fine, but watching you attempting to shove pieces of cellophane that are bigger than you into the entrance to your home makes me wonder as to your intelligence. Don’t you think it may be wise to stick to things that are comfy and won’t suffocate your children? Or is that the plan?? Maybe you are child-murdering monsters in sparrow-disguise. And if that is the case, please consider yourself evicted.

Speaking of children, I also would like to ask all the goose families in the vicinity to stop and think for one minute. Do you REALLY think that you are the dominant species in the suburbs? Because – surprise! You’re not. Humans are. So you have no right to honk and spit and get all annoyed when people walk through parking lots to their cars or drive down a street you are taking your little goslings across. Guess what? If you lived in the city, people would run you and your very cute little babies down like nobody’s business. But apparently suburbanites get the warm fuzzies about their wildlife. Hey, I like wildlife too, I just don’t like ARROGANT wildlife. So if you are going to cross the street, use the crosswalk or cross with the light. And don’t dawdle, either. I have places to be, unlike you stupid geese. Otherwise, I may just forget that I am no longer a Chicagoan and you may wind up as my hood ornament.

So, birdies, I hope you will heed my advice, as it is given sincerely and honestly. I don’t WANT to hurt you – but rest assured, I will. Hey, I had several parakeets growing up, but none of them annoyed me like you guys. Take a lesson from your domesticated relatives and keep the humans happy.

Sincerely,

Dasi