Reflections on Life

Sometimes just after I go to bed at night, I lie there and think to myself “How did I get here, anyway?” I mean, really. Here I am, a thirty-something single mom, no social life to speak of, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, working the daily grind at a job I’m not particularly fond of for a boss I’m DEFINITELY not fond of. What happened? I can remember back when I was in grammar school, my best friend and I had a plan: we were both going to either be vets or work at a zoo, marry the perfect men (according to the ouija board, mine was to be named “Erik” with a “K”), have kids at the same time so they could play together when we lived next door to each other in fabulous houses, and have lots and lots of money. As my friendship with her faded and I started high school, those dreams changed, but not drastically. Of course, I wouldn’t have the same neighbor since we weren’t that close, but I would still live in a great house in a nice neighborhood with a fabulous husband and kids (still looking for “Erik”) – and I would be a famous author and an actress on the side (I had it all planned out – my name would be famous in the literary world and my face would be famous in the acting world – not both together so as to avoid the pitfalls of overexposure) who would obviously be extremely wealthy. When high school graduation came and I started college, I changed only my career aspirations – I decided to go into psychology instead. (I figured I’d still write though, you can’t get rich as a shrink, unless you’re Dr. Phil or Dr. Ruth or some other Dr. who uses only their first name). After a minor detour during my first year of college (all right, a roadblock – I never quite finished) I found myself having to change my dreams again. Since I left college, the degree in psychology was out, so I figured I’d worry about a career later.

I had lots of fun during this time frame, and kind of forgot about my dreams altogether. I was young, single, and carefree. I lived the party life to the fullest, and loved every minute of it. Guys hit on me left and right, and I was able to pick and choose who I wanted (Erik? The hell with Erik!). I hardly EVER paid for my drinks at the bars, and went out at least three or four nights a week. I worked at a restaurant as a cashier, and then as a waitress – and had a HELLA good time. Sure, the customers could be a pain in the ass, but food service employees know how to PARTY! And they were great people too. Since I still lived at home, I had no REAL responsibilities or bills, but still came and went as I pleased. Ahhhhh, youth! After a couple years of this, things kind of took a turn for the worse.

Long story short – bad boyfriend (good heart though), bad decisions, bad situation. The good news is I got myself out of the hellhole I formed for myself and was able to start over. Only, now I had a daughter to support, no college degree and no money. No man either, since her father is a deadbeat I really didn’t want anyway (bad decision #whatever). It took a lot of determination to get this far, which is where I am at now – the “what the hell happened?” place.

I guess in hindsight I’m right where I should be, considering the choices I made. And technically, it’s not really a bad place to be. I just keep thinking that maybe I am missing something. Maybe I’m missing someone. Then again, after 30, it seems all men want are 20-something supermodels with no brains. Definitely not a 30-something who looks it with a daughter. And I am never going to be what I was in the past. Funny how a guy will hit on a skinny lush but ignore the attractive average size woman who can carry on a conversation without slurring her words. Ok ok – this is not supposed to be the ranting of a bitter woman, because I am not bitter, just thoughtful. Even though my life isn’t the way I planned it, it’s everything I need it to be. And even though it isn’t always easy, nothing worthwhile ever is. I’m who I am because of everything I’ve lived through, not in spite of it. And I’m proud of that.

So, maybe the house is on hold, possibly forever, and I probably will never be exorbitantly wealthy, but that’s ok. Maybe these blogs will lead to an actual writing career after all these years, who knows? And the one thing I do have is a great daughter who I love more than life itself (even though she has mastered the art of driving me insane). My job may not be perfect, but it can be entertaining at times, and hell, bottom line is it does pay the bills. Even leaves me a little something something at the end of the month if I budget carefully. As for marriage – I can take it or leave it. One thing I know is that after all this time, I refuse to settle. But Erik, if you are out there - - - (hey, stranger things have happened!).