Not Quite Melrose Place

You know what? I think it would be really cool to live somewhere like Melrose Place. Not that I ever really watched Melrose Place, but I know the concept, and I like it. Just think - a bunch of really cool, attractive, young people who hang out together and swim in the pool under the moonlight. Ok, from what I hear, there was a lot of catfighting and murder and scandal, but overall it sounds pretty good. At least compared to where I live. I live in a nice condo in the burbs (which I never thought I would do because I was brought up in the city and always thought suburbanites were dorks) with a pool and other kids for my daughter to play with. I own this condo, which makes me feel pretty important. Although one of the pitfalls of owning is the realization that for the next 30 years of your life you will be paying for this place, so you'd better appreciate it. And I do - appreciate it, I mean. It's the perfect size for two people (so if Erik ever shows up, he'd better have his own place) (if you don't know who Erik is, you'd better read my previous posts) and two cats, it accomodated a fish quite nicely too, as well as a hamster, but they both died. Sad story, really, at least about the hamster, the fish too, for that matter, but I digress... ANYWAY. So what we basically have is a very nice place to live.

So about now you are asking, "So why move to Melrose Place?" right? I'll tell you why - because even when you own your own condo, when you pay every month ridiculous amounts of money for the upkeep and use of your own personal home, you also have to deal with certain issues. And these issues, ladies and gentlemen, are precisely why I want to move to Melrose Place.

Let's start with the pool. I love our pool. I love our pool so much, I am willing to deal with the pool nazi every weekend just to enjoy hanging out there. What's that you say? Oh, you don't know the pool nazi? Let me tell you about the pool nazi - he is an adolescent scrawny punk with a whistle around his neck who truly believes that he is Supreme Dictator of the pool and surrounding areas. This kid (who probably is only paid minimum wage, definitely not enough to overexert yourself to the extent that he does) actually keeps a copy of the association rules with him at all times. Every time I go to the pool, he will not let me even sit down until he sees my pool pass. Now remember - I am at said pool EVERY WEEKEND. Often times, I even go during the week after work. This kid KNOWS me, for God's sake, and I have pointed this fact out to him numerous times. But still, he will not let me remain in the pool area without first seeing my stupid laminated condo association pass. If you think I am exaggerating - believe me, I am not. Once when I forgot my pass at home on the kitchen table, he actually made me go back to get it. Above and beyond checking pool passes, he must regulate guests. Every adult is allowed two guests in the pool at a time - which I think is ridiculous. Kids are not allowed guests at any time, even when supervised, which means if I have a friend with two kids coming over, we can only bring two of them to the pool, because my daughter is not allowed guests. But, if there is a married couple living with their mother, they can invite six people to the pool. Unfair? Definitely. But you'd better believe the pool nazi abides by it totally. (I do work around that, though. I can usually find a neighbor hanging out at the pool who will claim any of my extra guests as their own.) Also, no rafts (only noodles), no bottles or cans, no food, no loud music... the list goes on and on. I don't know for sure if pool nazi is on the payroll this summer - but if he is, there will be anarchy. I plan on enjoying my pool this year, even if I have to kick pool nazi's ass to do it. (As a matter of fact, I will be making homemade pool passes this year for all my friends. Heh heh - who would've thought I'd sink to this level??)

The next thing that bugs the crap out of me is the stupid "managing agent." And the "condo association." These are two groups of people designed basically to tell residents that any problem they have is not their responsibility. I swear to God. That's all they do. Every month, on top of my mortgage, I pay an assessment, supposedly for upkeep and maintenance on the "common areas." But nothing is common to them except for the landscaping. I have called about numerous things, and gone to board meetings, and have been told over and over again, no matter what the issue "Oh, that's the homeowner's responsibility." In January, I slipped and fell on a patch of black ice from snow that melted and dripped over the gutter onto my driveway. Turns out, the gutters were so clogged that nothing could drain through them. Not even rainwater. So, as any good paralegal who works in a personal injury attorney's office would do, I contacted the managing agent and told them I wanted to speak to their insurance company. But when their insurance company called, I was told there is nothing wrong with the gutters and it is not their responsibility. Ok, I had PICTURES of the scene when it happened, and in the spring when it was pouring down rain and a waterfall was created over the top of the gutter, since it was so blocked up. Not to mention a couple thou in medical bills from a severely sprained ankle (did you know that sprains are worse than breaks and actually take longer to heal? I didn't - until now!). Currently, I am still fighting with them on this point, and believe you me, I do not plan on backing down. I think it's about time they took responsibility for their actions!!! Besides, it's not like they do anything else anyway. Nobody ever had to sue Melrose Place to get something done, I bet.

And then we have the neighbors. Let me preface by saying that I consider myself to be a pretty laid-back kind of person. I get along with pretty much anyone. But there are some people who, no matter how hard I try, I just know I will never get along with and right now some of those people live in my building. My building has four units, two upstairs and two downstairs. I myself live upstairs, which I prefer, because I feel safer when my windows are not level with the ground and all the old people walking their dogs are looking in at me. Now, the guy across the hall has lived there longer than I have. He is the only one in the building I actually like. Nice guy, actually, I could even picture him living in my Melrose Place concept. He's single and cute (but he has a girlfriend) and has a dog named Steeler (yes, after the football team - I know, I know) who apparently he adopted from a shelter for severely abused dogs. For this reason, Steeler is not a people friendly dog, which really bothered me, because I love animals and this dog hated me. My neighbor and I started chit chatting when we ran into each other, and I got tired of his dog growling and backing away every time she saw me. So, after living there for four years, I finally made friends with Steeler after two boxes of Meaty Bones. (Note - this really worked well - so well in fact that Steeler now considers my home her own and walks in like she owns it looking for treats - which doesn't fare well with my boys) Neighbor number two lives directly under me. She is a few years younger than I am with a daughter my daughter's age. Nice kid, but the mother leaves a bit to be desired. She moved in under weird circumstances (which is fodder for another blog at another time) and has gone through about five boyfriends in the year and a half she's been there. She is the ultimate "I need a man to take care of me" bimbo, and since she is thin and exotic looking, she manages to find the suckers. Oh, and she is studying to be a doctor too - online. Go figure. She bothers me just on principle. I hate women who are so damn needy. And I hate that stupid sluts like that manage to trap supposedly intelligent men. Men that should be MINE!! Actually, any man that is dumb enough to fall for someone like her I wouldn't want anyway. So - we have cute nice guy across the hall, fake sleazy bimbo downstairs, and to top it all off (drumroll, please) CURRY COOKING INDIAN PEOPLE kitty corner from me. These people moved in last summer, and I am not exaggerating when I say they cook almost 24 hours a day and the smell is so strong it permates the hallway AND my living room. And I am not the only one who can't stand it. Both the other neighbors agree. It is BAD. I prop the front door open to air it out, and those stupid jerks slam it shut every chance they get, claiming it should be shut "for all of our warmth and security." You don't EVEN want to know my thoughts on that - because I am a lady, after all, and that language is inappropriate. So for now we have a "door war" of sorts going on. Those are my neighbors.

My FINAL issue with condo living is the fact that (at least where I live) the walls are not exactly soundproof. My bedroom wall is shared with the next building's bedroom wall - and the things I hear would make you blush. Loud enough to wake me from a dead sleep. Apparently these people are exhibitionists, though, because I have tried pounding on the wall, yelling, and even an airhorn and they continue without a care in the world. Until the one night when he caught her cheating - oh boy, THAT was a fun argument to listen to at 3:00 am!! He told her to get out and everything!! But apparently they made up, because the argument sounds were NOT what I heard again at 5:00 am.

Obviously, I could continue to rant about all these issues and several more, but this is a blog, not a rant site. And my fingers are tired from typing. Although don't be surprised if there is a spinoff from this blog about any of the above mentioned people or situations. Unless I move to Melrose Place first.