Why is it that whenever I am stressed, depressed and generally not exactly Little Miss Sunshine everyone gets so “worried” about me? Is it because I was a junkie over ten years ago and they think maybe I’ll wind up heading out to the west side? Or is it because as a stupid teenager I thought swallowing a few bottles of Tylenol would solve my problems and they think I’ll try that again? Or maybe because they think I’m really incapable of managing my own life – let alone my life and my daughter’s?
Whatever the reason – I’d like it to STOP. I appreciate people’s concern, and even sometimes actively seek out sympathy and ego-boosting words. But I have no intention of offing myself, turning back to drugs, or beating my child. Sure, life can suck sometimes, but if it didn’t it would be unnatural. Nothing is ever perfect – least of all me. Sure I am an expert at putting on the “happy face” and convincing everyone of just how “fine” I am… maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am too good at convincing people that life is all peaches and cream and I am exactly where I want to be.
Maybe I need to start being a bit more real.
Ok, people, here goes. The bottom line is that I am happy – to a degree. I have a lot more in my life now than I ever thought I would have after my “dark years.” But I also know I fucked up a lot and am now paying the price. I didn’t exactly follow the rules for a long time, and my little life plan didn’t pan out the way I would’ve liked. But I have a home, and a beautiful daughter (who admittedly has been giving me more grief than usual lately – but that comes with the age…), and a job (one I hate, true, but at least I have an income that is actually higher than I could’ve hoped for without a college degree), and friends (both cyber and “real life”), and a wonderful family who always supports me. Those are the good things.
Ok, I’m going to be honest with you all now, in the hopes that maybe you will realize I am human, and not a robot, and that it is ok for me to not always be “up.” I would give anything to have a man in my life. Not just any man, but a wonderful, loving, caring man that puts me and Lexie first and who loves me for me – imperfections and all. Sure, I brag about “not needing a man” and about “loving my independence,” but the reality is that I feel gypped. I look around at all the married couples and I know they have their problems and issues, but they have each other. And GOD I wish I had someone to lean on sometimes. I wish I had someone to share my life with and snuggle next to in bed and bitch at for the toilet seat and complain to my girlfriends about. I AM LONELY. And I am so tired of shouldering all the responsibility and all the stress and all the EVERYTHING. And yet as ridiculous as it sounds, I know I am just too damn jaded to ever get close enough to someone to make that dream a reality.
Secondly, I really want to believe that good things will happen, but I am having a really hard time doing that. Like with my book. I reread it and think “This is crap. This needs a total overhaul – and I just don’t feel it right now.” Millions of people write – as instanced on the internet. Thousands, maybe TENS of thousands have real talent. So what could possibly make my work stand out enough to make the right people take notice? I appreciate all the support and encouragement of my cyberpals, but do any of you really think I will find that uber-publisher and my life could change dramatically – for the better? Pretty much a needle in a haystack chance. I mean, I’m trying to find an agent, don’t get me wrong, but I really can’t afford to get my hopes up too high. It’s too easy for me to imagine finally getting a break and paying off all my bills and quitting my day job and buying a real house and traveling – oh God, I would love to even take a one-week vacation… I need to be realistic, though.
So yes, I am not exactly thrilled with my life at this point. It may get better, it may get worse. Couldn’t tell you. Maybe things will start turning around – or maybe they won’t. In any case, I will survive, I always do. And as much as I appreciate people’s concern, please understand that sometimes I just have to let myself cry. Or scream. Or isolate. Or even write – which obviously is my biggest catharsis. It’s when I seem TOO happy or TOO “on” that you need to start to worry, ok?
And please? Since my mom doesn’t read my blog will someone PLEASE tell her this too???????
4 comments:
Well, okay, but you might want to reconsider that whole "beating your child" thing. I hear it can work wonders for both of you!
Seriously, I get you on this. Everyone has problems and "frictional depression" from time to time, but, still, you *do* seem to be doing better than you could have been if you hadn't found sobriety. All things considered, I think you're doing pretty well. Not that my opinion matters at all.
Hold on long enough and things *will* change. Good luck with your mother, though.
Oh I so know just what you mean. Whenever I post something even slightly tragic, I get phone calls, emails, smoke signals, you name it, from overly concerned friends and family. I explain the same thing you did -- we're all allowed to have down days, and what matters is that we're coping the best we can. And you, Dasi, certainly are doing that. Beautifully. So get it all out there -- emote. And we'll continue to be there for you! :)
You're not jaded and your knight in shining aluminum foil is out there somewhere. ;)
I feel what you are saying.
TBOTE - is great - honest!
[hugs]
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