Monkey Business

I knew a girl a while back – actually, she was a coworker of mine – who was really into animals. And I mean REALLY into them. As a matter of fact, animals were a side business to her. She owned quite a few, and knew the right people to contact to rent any animal you may need – say, an elephant for a circus photo shoot. As someone who has always loved animals, I thought this was the coolest. Still do, actually.

Anyway, I was thinking about her recently, because that animal dude brought a capuchin monkey on the Leno show the other night. And one of Ruth’s pets was a capuchin named George. George was AWESOME. George wore little tiny diapers, because Ruth explained he was basically just like a human baby – except he could climb and jump. And Lord knows you didn’t want any (ahem) accidents to happen as George was climbing and jumping around the house. George was free to roam around as he pleased, though, because he was very people friendly. A couple of us had gone over to her house to see her menagerie, and were greeted by this little guy almost instantly. But Ruth shooed him away to introduce us to the rest of her “family” first.

On the pretty ordinary side, she had several dogs and a ton of cats. (Ok, maybe not a ton, more like six.) Although two of the dogs had to stay outside, because they were trained guard Dobermans, and not very friendly. The other two were hilarious to watch – a HUGE Rottweiler and a tiny Boston Terrier, who loved to play tug-of-war. (Although I really think the Rott wasn’t trying that hard.) She also had cockatoos, cockatiels, parakeets, two macaws, and an African Grey parrot. Some of the birds were really talented talkers, and would mimic the other animals as well as the phone, the doorbell, and the alarm clock. Which was cool, but also kind of annoying in a way.

Downstairs she had even more (oh, did I mention this was all on her main floor?) tenants. Several snakes (pythons and boas), cages and cages of rats (some as pets – some as… well, you know…), an aviary with a couple dozen doves (apparently big for weddings), chinchillas, tortoises, a spider monkey, and the most adorable silver fox. The fox was on loan for a photo shoot and was lounging in a cage on the floor, and Ruth warned me not to get too close. “You know that saying, ‘sly as a fox?’ There’s a reason for it. Any time a wild animal is trapped in a cage like that, they feel threatened and will do anything to escape. So DON’T go thinking he’s tame.”

Yeah, whatever. Ruth started talking to another of our friends and I made my move. The little guy was sooooo cute! And had these sad eyes and just was looking at me so sweetly, so how could I NOT slowly approach the cage… as he watched me with hopeful little silver fox eyes… as I crouched down and he inched his nose closer to the bars… Just as I started to put my hand out, that sweet, adorable little creature turned into a snarling, frothing, mass of teeth and fur. I almost lost my balance (and my fingers) pulling my hand back and straightening up as if nothing had happened.

“You tried to pet the fox, didn’t you?” Ruth said with exasperation.

“NO!” I said with what I hoped was a tone insinuating that I would NEVER try such a stupid thing.

(And believe me, I NEVER will again!)

I asked to use the bathroom while they finished their conversation, and Ruth directed me back upstairs. She said they would just meet me back up there. So I went in the bathroom and as I prepared to sit, I froze mid squat. In the bathtub across from the toilet was a seemingly docile yet quite large reptile with pretty darn big teeth. I pulled up my pants and decided that I had better check with my hostess about this.

“Ruth?” I called hesitantly. “In the bathtub…”

“Oh, that’s just Elvis. He won’t bother you.”

Just Elvis. Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go, so I did my business with a five foot Cayman alligator looking on. And smiling, I think. I don’t think I’ve ever peed that fast in my life. Very unnerving, peeing in front of a dangerous uncaged alligator. Afterwards, Ruth carried him back to his cage, and told me to pet him. When I tried, he let out a strange hissing noise. “Oh, maybe you’d better not, he seems a little agitated,” Ruth decided. Yeah, fine with me.

After visiting with all the other animals, it was time to hang out and visit with each other. And George. George was like a petulant child, upset that we had left him alone. He jumped around from person to person, screeching and basically making a scene. Ruth reprimanded him, and eventually he calmed down and started visiting with us individually. He was the funniest little creature I had ever seen. And smart. Ruth had told us that it was ok to give him some snacks and let him drink our drinks (nonalcoholic – don’t worry!), and that he was partial to Pepsi over Coke, which was why we all had Pepsi. I was eating some cheese popcorn when George came over and jumped on my lap. He sat there watching me eat, and finally, I handed him a piece. He looked at it, and then at me, like “that’s IT?” So I handed him another. And another. This continued until his first little hand was full. So I held out another piece. George quickly stuck out his other hand, and I proceeded to fill that one as well. When both hands were filled, I held out another piece with a chuckle. I knew George would want it, and I wondered how he would solve this dilemma. He looked at me, looked at the popcorn, then looked at his hands. He maneuvered closer to me, then put both hands together by his chin so I could balance the final piece on top. Problem solved.

George continued to work the room, randomly taking people’s drinks and sipping from them (he never backwashed – I watched) and eating snacks. One of the guys, Steve, wasn’t keen on a monkey drinking from his glass, so when George came over, he covered it and said, “NO!” George seemed insulted. He backed away, screeching, as Steve repeated “No!” and stared him down. George gave him one last screech, then hopped away. He took a drink from my glass, grabbed a handful of cheese popcorn from the bowl and proceeded to race over and dump the whole handful into Steve’s glass. He sure showed Steve! As we were laughing, he came over to me, and started reaching toward my face. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, until he started putting his hand by my mouth. He wanted me to open my mouth. So I did, and George placed a piece of cheese popcorn in my mouth and sat back with (I kid you not) a smile on his face. Apparently this was my “thank you” for sharing earlier.

Ruth’s house was the best. And I miss her and George. And the rest of the animals, even the scary alligator and the mean fox. I wish I knew where she was nowadays, Lexie would so love it there. But in the meantime, I can always see George on You Tube – did I mention he is a famous music video monkey? Well, he is. Although he’s probably retired by now – and eating all the cheese popcorn he can handle.