Plus-Size Ponderings

So the other night I was watching “Queer Eye” (which is a vastly entertaining show, as long as you don’t over-watch it) and they helped this 20-something guy in NY who recently lost about 100 lbs. The thing is, this guy was trying to get back into dating, and was pretty bitter about the fact that he was getting a lot of attention from women NOW, since he lost the weight. He wanted to know where these women were when he was heavier, since he was still the same person on the inside then as he was now. Well, the Fab Five pointed out that he probably wouldn’t seek out overweight women either, and that he should get over it. After a brief moment of reflection, the guy conceded that he probably wouldn’t hit on an overweight woman either in the past OR now.

Then I turn on one of my favorite shows, “Rescue Me.” One of the subplots of this show is one where one of the young studly firemen starts dating an attractive yet overweight woman. He catches a lot of shit from the other guys in the firehouse for this, because even though she is a great person, all the men seem to notice is her weight. Fat jokes abound in the FDNY. But the best joke of all is when she dumps the stud, and he realizes that he really does love her. Even though the guys keep making fun of her. (Unfortunately, now he is losing it and stalking her, and I’m not sure I like where this is headed.) I especially like the part where he says to her “But what about the sex?? It was AMAZING, right?? I mean, we really were great in bed!” and she tells him, “No, not really. It was just ok, Mike. Get over yourself.”

Anyway, the point I am making here is that being overweight SUCKS. Because no matter where you look, people are assholes about it. Whether it’s snickering behind someone’s back or using the old “She’s got a GREAT personality” line, people are constantly downing people (women, especially) for not being rail thin or athletically toned. Now, although I haven’t always been overweight, I definitely am now. I’m not sure when or how it happened, but somewhere in the ten years between having my daughter and now, several parts of my body have grown WAY out of proportion to the rest of me. I have been working my ass off (obviously not very well, though, it is still there) four to five times a week at Curves and trying to cut back on my food intake, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever look the way society deems necessary to be accepted as a “not-overweight” person.

When I was younger, I was always thin. Actually, I was average. I was tall (still am, obviously) and because back then kids actually stayed active, I never really gained too much weight. In high school, like most girls, I obsessed about my weight. Even though I was nowhere near overweight, I panicked that I was (gasp) fat because a lot of my friends looked anorexic. Looking back, I realize that I would KILL to have that body again right now. Anyway, I still did nothing extreme to lose weight. In college, I gained the “freshman 15” (or maybe 20) due to pizzas and beer being the staple of my diet. But, being tall, it wasn’t that noticeable. It actually put some curves in places I was glad to have – after all, I wasn’t a kid anymore. Then slowly the weight started creeping up on me.

I think genetically, I am predisposed to storing my fat in my lower half – a guy once told me (trying to be nice, I think) that I looked great sitting at the bar, until I stood up. Pear-shaped, I think you’d call it. Anyway, this was BAD. For the first time in my life, I really started to worry about weight – and for the first time, I actually had good reason to worry. But just in the nick of time, I discovered the ultimate diet and lost a TON of weight pretty quick.

Yes, folks, it’s the crack diet. Kirstie Alley joked about it on “Fat Actress,” but it really does work. The years I spent abusing my body with illegal substances I lost so much weight it was scary. Considering the fact that I NEVER ate, drank only water, and walked everywhere I had to go since I had no car, it wasn’t surprising. Of course, I wouldn’t recommend this diet to anyone. Unless you want to look like Skeletor from the old He-Man cartoons. Or have a death wish. (In which case you won’t need to be thin anyway)

So, once I kicked the habit and again joined the ranks of productive society, guess what happened?? You got it! Slowly the weight came creeping back. I really didn’t think I was eating abnormal amounts of food or anything, but apparently if you starve yourself for a couple years and then start eating normally, your body stores up the food just in case you get stupid and starve yourself again. (I really wish my body would stop it already, I mean, it’s been ten years and I haven’t even come CLOSE to starving again!!)

At first, I convinced myself I was just “getting healthy” again. Because really, I looked like one of Sally Struther’s charity cases for a while. Then I started ignoring the numbers on the scale. Because they pissed me off. Then I decided that the size number doesn’t matter anyway, because who sees them but me?? Finally, I got depressed over the whole thing when I looked in the mirror and realized that I was a far cry from the thin babe I used to be.

Like I said, though, I have been working out. Very seriously now, for about the last six months or so. I can’t do a no carb or no fat diet, because I am a picky eater and would die without certain foods. So I try to just limit, and it’s going pretty well, I think. I’m not a size 10 yet, and I’m really not sure if I’ll ever have a flat stomach or a butt that won’t excite the black men (the bigger the better to them), but I’m trying. At this point, I’ll be happy to just not GAIN anything else.

I know I am not the only one in the world who is overweight, and I am really sick of people being assholes about it. Believe it or not, metabolism DOES affect weight, as does genetics. Sure, I may not have been a triathelete, and therefore my body may have plenty of muscles that aren’t frequently used and therefore not “toned” enough, but I’m trying. I’m sick and tired of people thinking fat equals lazy or that people who are overweight deserve to be that way. And I’m sick of men turning from an intelligent, attractive overweight woman to drool over a pencil thin bubblehead. Society will continue to promote this anorexic look, and people will forget about the Rubenesque Era where curves were beautiful, and they will raise their eyebrows in shock when you tell them that Marilyn Monroe, the “perfect sex goddess” was a size 14. But I’m here to tell you that whether or not I lose another 20 pounds, I’m happy with who I am.

And I hope that someday it won’t be so taboo to have a few extra pounds. As far as I’m concerned, it’s more of me to love.