I'm DONE! (For Now, at Least...)

So as it turns out, I didn’t have to call back Mr. South Side at all to find out what he wanted. Because (surprise surprise) since I didn’t call HIM back, he called on my cell and left me another message. Apparently all he wanted to know was where my seats were for the Cub game I was going to that night. (And if you think even for a MINUTE that I was stupid enough to call him back with that tidbit of info, you don’t know me that well at all.) Thank God for caller ID and our receptionist here at the office. I do believe it is time to cut the cord and just freeze him out completely.

I honestly never thought I would find myself in this predicament. Having someone that NEEDY is actually pretty unnerving. Yes, like every woman out there, I would like to be adored, but this is ridiculous. I think the only adoring I need any more is from Roxy and my cats. It’s actually kind of depressing realizing that I am basically throwing in the towel on the whole relationship thing, but to be honest, it’s kind of a relief too. By not actively pursuing any kind of romance, my stress level is back down to where it should be for an overextended single mom. (Which actually is dangerously high to begin with.) And I don’t have to fear what the person I make a date with will turn out to be like in reality, as opposed to in cyberspace. And I can lounge around at home after work and watch tv instead of primping to meet a total stranger.

When I look back on my younger days, I start to wonder if maybe I wasted all my relationship possibilities very early on. For all the jerks and losers I thought I was in love with, there were several really great guys in my life. But every one eventually ended, and whether it was mutual or I got my heart crushed I was always a little sad. (Not sad enough to go psychotic like Mr. South Side, though. And even if there were a VERY FEW times I MAY have gone psychotic, I blame it on my youth. Which Mr. South Side DEFINITELY cannot do.) And I have a lot of really great guy friends that I’m sure would be awesome boyfriends, just not for me. I’ve tried to figure out exactly what the standard is here that I am looking for, and although I have summarized my “ideal” online, I really think even I don’t know what I really want. Maybe there really is someone out there who I will see and instantly click with and just “know” he is the one. But if there is, he will have to find me. I’m done with being proactive.

Maybe it sounds bitchy, but I really don’t feel it’s worth it anymore. Too many people only look at the outside and turn away – and by outside I mean several things, including a single parent… a 30-something woman… an ex-junkie… a woman with a “few extra pounds” (but still working on it!!). The thing that really sucks is that all these things make up who I am, and I won’t shy away from anything about me. Therefore, to the person who judges on individual outward appearances without getting to know the total package, I am definitely someone who gets passed by a lot. Which is why I’m tired of putting myself out there and wasting my time. But as far as I’m concerned, the person who eventually DOES get to know me, and truly steals my heart, will be a damn lucky guy.

And no, Mr. South Side, it is NOT you. Sorry, dude.