Strange Dreams

I have been dreaming about Kevin a lot lately. Maybe it is a sign to get my ass in gear on TBOTE. But even if it is, it is kind of bothering me. I mean, the guy has been out of my life for over a decade now – so why does he keep popping up in my head? And? I’m finding myself thinking about him a lot during waking hours too because of these dreams. Like I’m remembering something funny he did or said, or a place we went to together, or whatever. And right now a song is on the radio that reminds me of him.

Know what? I miss him.

And before you get all freaked out – I don’t miss him in a “God, I have to find him” way, I miss parts of my life when he was there. Only parts, though. If you are a regular reader, you know there are plenty I could do without. But for better or worse, he was the one guy I spent the most time in a real relationship with – the guy I was sure I would wind up marrying. And probably with all of the turmoil in my life right now, my subconscious mind is bringing me back to the person who was actually (in a weird sick kind of way) a constant in my life, and someone who took care of me. Now? ME takes care of me. And I take care of my daughter. And the cats. And goofy Ginger, the teenaged pup-pup. And I like being a responsible adult, but it is really scary too.

Satan retires in a month and a half – and although I have sent out resumes and went on interviews and contacted headhunters, I am still coming up empty handed. I guess since jobs always kind of fell into my lap, I really didn’t expect it to be this difficult. But it really is. And I get a knot in my stomach when I realize that I have a mortgage, a second mortgage, a car payment, insurance payments, utilities, credit card bills, Lexie’s school loan… one thing I know for sure – even working double time at RL will NOT pay all those – I need a real nine-to-five. And hell if I can’t FIND one.

Funny how I would’ve killed to be free of Satan, and now I wish he would reconsider retirement. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate him – you don’t just suddenly stop being an asshole – but he does pay well and heck, a job is a job. Especially when the alternative is living in a refrigerator box. And I don’t even know anyone who has gotten a new refrigerator lately. Plus, I am pretty sure all of us wouldn’t fit. And Lexie (now that she is in JUNIOR HIGH) would demand her own box, anyway. So I would need two. At least. Crap.

So yes, I am under a bit of stress. And Kevin used to make me laugh. And he would hold me. And oddly enough, he made me feel safe. I haven’t found another guy like that since then. Mr. South Side made me feel very UNsafe - being stalked does that to you. And the few other guys I dated just weren’t right. Now is probably the absolute WORST time to decide I am lonely and want someone in my life – what with all the upheaval – but I really am. It would be really nice to not have everything on MY shoulders, and to have someone to cry to who would tell me it would all be ok. That I would be safe, and I wouldn’t lose my home, or my car, or everything I have worked so hard for in one fell swoop. It would be nice for someone to make me laugh and support me when I need it most (like now??). But realistically I know that won’t be happening any time soon. Hence my nighttime visits from Kevin. Which I kind of enjoy – since they are really pretty nice dreams. Even though real life Kevin is probably a half-dead junkie living with some bimbo in a heroin den by now. GOD I am so mean and pessimistic!! Ok, I’ll give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he finally cleaned up and is living happily with a wonderful girl and a great job. But more than likely not. As big a heart as he had, and as much as he always meant well, the drugs just had a stronger hold on him and although I PRAY he was able to clean up, I really doubt it. Sigh.

Anyway, it may interest you to know that I have take out my printed copy of TBOTE and plan on reading it over the next few days to try to get back into it. Since I keep dreaming of Kevin and all. Writing more may help relieve the stress too. And maybe if I finish in the next few weeks (yeah, right) I will magically be “discovered” and offered a brazillian dollars for my novel and not have to worry about finding a new job after all.

God, I crack myself up!