Fun At Weddings

First off, may I say that I am doing my darndest to catch up on everyone’s blogs. I am going alphabetically, and since I have been away for a while, it may take some time, but I vow to get caught up on EVERYONE’S. And that includes certain bloggers who initially quit blogging then started again (without ever telling me – you know who you are!!) who although I am VERY glad to see back in cyberspace have significantly added to my reading list. Sheesh – this is going to take a while!! But seriously? I am really enjoying it too. I miss all you guys and still can’t figure out how (or why) I allowed myself to stop reading for so long.

Anyhoo.

I’ve decided to post more entertaining (I hope) things today. Nothing too deep, just funny. So read on.

Cute Neighbor is getting married in two weeks. And his fiancée is really great. Obviously, since Cute Neighbor has been my neighbor since I moved in 6 ½ years ago, we have been neighborly friends for a while. And when CNF moved in with him, she and I got along well too. So I got invited to the wedding, natch.

I also got invited to the Bachelorette Party. Which was last weekend. And which I so did NOT go to. Allow me to explain why.

Although I love CNF to death, her friends didn’t quite rub me the right way. See, I went to her shower a couple weeks ago, and sat at the table with “The Bad Girls.” Yes, this is what they called themselves. Five women in their 40’s with husbands and kids, introducing themselves as “The Bad Girls.” But you know what? I can deal with that. Maybe they were just being silly. Maybe they had too much punch. They were very much designer label-wearing, designer purse-toting, mature women, not the type to be giggling about being “bad girls,” if you know what I mean. So I figured, hey, maybe they are really cool and not the obnoxious stuck-up women they were coming off as. So I sat quietly and listened to their conversation. Below are pretty accurate transcripts of sound-bites from said conversations:

“So, MY dermatologist says botox only works on PART of your face”

“Really? Mine worked well – I don’t think I need anything else”

“I won’t EVER take a picture without my hands in front of my neck – I need to get that taken care of.”

“So is Wayne meeting us at the airport or flying out later?” (Apparently the “Bad Girls” take bimonthly weekend trips to Vegas with their husbands)

“Who’s taking the kids? Your mother or mother-in-law?”

“Know what would be funny? If we all wore our OLD wedding dresses to CNF’s wedding! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Yes, but which dress should I wear? The first or the second?”

“Who threw up the most at the bachelorette parties?”

“That would have to be Foofie (not her real name) at Sookie’s bachelorette!”

“Oh, that’s right! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“So I’ve already spent, like $500 on Junior and have to pay $1500 more JUST TO START… apparently the ridiculous laws have changed again.”

“Really? Well, I’VE paid over $8500 for Biff, only the BEST lawyer for MY son.”

(Apparently Junior and Biff, both like 17, had minor DUI incidents involving trashing their sportscars.)

“You know, if it were anyone ELSE’S son, I would say he deserves it, but since it’s MY son, I plan on doing whatever it takes to get him driving again and his records cleared.”

“AMEN to that!”

Ok, are you puking yet?? Like Foofie at Sookie’s party? Cause I was ready to! These women were SO not my idea of fun. They were actually driving me slowly insane. And of course, one was a real estate agent who had to discuss her sales and commissions and the market in general. Why is there always a real estate agent in groups of obnoxious women? I mean, nothing against real estate agents, I’m sure there are plenty of normal ones out there – but honestly? Every snooty women’s clique has one.

Obviously I managed to sneak out of the shower early, and THAT was why I had no intention of going to the bachelorette party. Now my only issue was the wedding itself.

The invitation clearly stated “Adult Reception,” so bringing Lexie was out. And since the only people I would know at the wedding (besides the Bad Girls) were the bride and groom, I knew I had to find a date – and pronto. Preferably someone to flaunt to the BG’s as someone suave… someone chic… someone who was NOT their boring businessman husbands…
This is where RL comes in handy. I joked around about putting up a sign like servers usually do, only instead of the sign saying “Can someone please pick up my Sat PM shift?” it would say “Who wants to go to a wedding with dasi?” To my surprise, whilst joking around, one of the servers said, “I’ll go with you.”

Ok – to clarify? One of the TWENTY-FIVE year old HOT METROSEXUAL CLEAN CUT TALL servers said, “I’ll go with you.”

Unfortunately, not SC, but DH was perfect for my plan. And I told him so.

DH has a girlfriend, but he is a really nice guy and we get along well. I explained about the BG’s to him, and that basically, his role was to be my Boy Toy and hang on me all night. I made it very clear I was totally using him, and that I hoped his girlfriend wouldn’t kick my ass for taking him, but he was simply part of the façade I planned on creating.

He insisted she would be cool with it, and I was thrilled. When I told my cousin about my date for the wedding, she scolded me for planning to lie. Apparently, she thought it was not cool to tell them he was my “Boy Toy,” because when (or if) I got found out, it would look bad. Hence, she came up with a better plan. Sometime during the reception, lean over by the BG’s and say in a confidential tone, “So… do you remember what it was like having sex with a 25 year-old?” and smile knowingly. That way, I wasn’t SAYING I was having sex with him, but if that’s what THEY thought, so be it. My cuz guaranteed they would suddenly swivel their heads between their husbands and DH and not feel so high-and-mighty after all. I loved it.

And DH thinks it’s pretty funny too. So that is our plan. Now I just have to hope I have an appropriate dress somewhere in my closet…