Creepy Crawlies

Ok, I know Halloween is still over a month away, but I have been living a horror story over this weekend, and I felt compelled to share. Now, this story is not for the faint of heart, so BE WARNED!!!

Ready? Brave people only, here, right? Ok - those of you who are faking, don't say I didn't warn you!!!

On Friday morning, Lexie and I were leaving the house to go to school and work, and we walked out to the car like we did every morning. Only this morning, Lexie let out a bloodcurdling scream. I jumped, and my heart stopped. My daughter stood a few feet away from our car, clutching her backpack to her chest and staring with wide eyes at THIS:

(SEE?? I WARNED YOU THIS WAS SCARY!!!!!) This HUGE, (pretty much actual size, this picture is...) UGLY, GODAWFUL spider had built an enormous web from my car antenna to the front windshield, and was nonchalantly sitting smack dab in the middle, obviously waiting to catch a small bird or something for breakfast. It wasn't moving, Mr. Stupid Spider, just sitting... waiting... but making me freak out nonetheless. I am SO not big on spiders. Well, good mother that I am, I told Lexie to just get in the car really fast and try not to bump the spiderweb. She did, and when we were both securely in the car, I turned on the windshield wipers.

Which did pretty much nothing. Apparently, Mr. Stupid Spider wasn't that stupid, because his web was far enough away from the wipers to not even be touched. BAH!! Lexie and I watched anxiously as the creepy-crawly slowly started climbing upwards on the web. Apparently he had noticed that there were intruders in his midst and decided to head for higher ground. Well, I took that opportunity to put the car in reverse and backout of my driveway a tad bit quicker than normal. Then I SLAMMED on the brakes and lurched forward, heading down the block. I tried to see if my mission was successful, and was relieved to see that the web had been blown away to kingdom come. HA!

"MOM! Look!!"

The little (excuse me, GINORMOUS) booger had skittered up to the top of my car's antenna, and there he remained, all eight ugly legs wrapped tightly around the top. I tried to pump the brakes, jerking the car repeatedly until my daughter claimed whiplash (can't have that, working for a PI attorney and all...) then just gave up. He wasn't going anywhere.

I came to Lexie's bus stop, and she informed me that she wasn't getting out of the car. Because, you see, the antenna was on her side, and she was afraid of the actions of our stowaway now that we had stopped. But I poo-poohed her fears, and told her she had to get out. Which she did, but in her panic she left the door wide open, causing me to scream, "CLOSE THE DOOR! DO YOU WANT TO GET YOUR MOTHER KILLED???"

Ok, so she shut the door, and ran to the safety of the bus stop. Leaving me alone with the arachnid from Hell. So I drove to work, every few seconds peering over at the top of the antenna, hoping maybe he was gone. But he never was. All the way to work, he hung on relentlessly. I parked next to a pretty blue Lexus, thinking maybe he would prefer to move to a classier car. Then I went inside.

When lunchtime rolled around some five hours later (I take a late lunch), I had an errand to run. When I got to my car it was still there. I thought maybe, hopefully, it was dead, but then I saw it stretch out one long, ugly leg almost in greeting. I hopped in my car and slammed the door shut, convinced that my errand which consisted of driving on the highway at speeds in excess of 80 mph may dislodge his grip. Guess what? That mo-fo is STRONG!!! He held on the entire ride, and when I arrived at my destination, I watched in horror as he scrambled down the antenna and disappeared under my hood.

I got out of the car and cautiously looked at the place where he disappeared. He was gone all right... but to where?? I took care of my business and returned to the car. Still no spider. But NOW I was worried that the damn thing was going to pop out of my air conditioner vents at any moment... which he didn't. The return to work was uneventful, and after work he still was nowhere to be found. Satisfied that he had permanently relocated (maybe to the pretty Lexus), I allowed myself to breathe easier.

The next morning, Lexie and I left for her bowling league. And waiting at (or should I say ON) the car, almost in eight-legged defiance, was the SAME DAMN SPIDER. Another huge web, same spot... and Retard the Spider sitting in the center again. He must have waited patiently under the hood until dark and then made his move. This time, Lexie and I were less anxious and more aggravated. Obviously, we DESTROYED his web last time, for crying out loud, he built it on a MOVING thing, yet he was too stupid to go build somewhere else. We drove to bowling, and watched in disgusted fascination as once again its web was destroyed, and once again it scrambled up the antenna.

At bowling, we told others of our dilemma. Thankfully, a friend and her two sons were less wimpy than Lexie and me. After bowling, one of the boys, Nick, flicked the antenna, causing Retard to fall... unfortunately, he fell once again under the damn hood. I thanked Nick halfheartedly, but wondered how long it would be before I saw it's ugly thorax again.

We drove out to my mother's and spent the rest of the day there. When we left, no spider. Sunday morning was gloomy and chilly, and we went to my grandparents' in the afternoon. Again, no spider. I finally was able to relax and try to rid my mind of the horrific images of those legs clutching my antenna.

This morning it was pouring rain. Buckets. And buckets. The wind was whipping the rain around, and it was an absolutely miserable morning. I dropped Lexie off at the bus stop, and headed to work. On my way, I called my mother. I was sitting at a stop light and had just finished the conversation, so I closed my phone and turned to put it back into my purse.

(Insert classic horror film music here)

THE SPIDER WAS CLINGING TO THE OUTSIDE OF MY PASSENGER WINDOW!!!!!!

In the POURING rain with the GUSTING wind, the damn thing was desperately trying not to lose its grip. I screamed as I watched its legs scrambling to get a better hold and move to a safer location. It seemed to have spun a mini-web to hold on as well, because it was bouncing off the window as the wind blew. Then, it happened.

The light turned green, and I turned left. As I did, the mini-monster lost its grip and flew toward the back of my car. But now here's the thing: I think it's gone, but I have thought that before... Granted, with the rain and the wind and the force of my turn, it stands to reason that it fell completely off and is lying dead on Golf Road, but this spider is no ordinary spider. As we all know. In fact, I still have this queasy feeling that it managed to land near my trunk and somehow find refuge in there, until I am parked in my driveway again and it is time to build a new web...

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone want to buy an infested Saturn??