Do I even have the right to ask for help in cyberspace? I mean, since I have been so out of touch with writing and commenting? I hope you guys are still around, because I need advice. And I don’t want to ask anyone here in my real world, because I’m pretty sure I’d know their answers. Which isn’t to say I don’t value the opinions of my family and friends, but I think some of them might “mean well” and be a little too close to the situation to give an unbiased response.
See, quirky person that I am, I read the obituaries pretty much on a daily basis when I get to work. Mainly because if I ever see my own name in there, I am DEFINITELY going home and taking the day off. But I also look for names that I recognize, of old friends, neighbors, teachers, etc. Today I saw a name I recognized.
It was Kevin’s mother.
Kevin from TBOTE - Kevin who I loved (and probably still do in a way) for the almost five years we were together. Kevin who made me laugh and who made me cry. I haven’t seen him in over ten years, but you don’t forget someone like Kevin. Everything we went through together gave us a bond that although eroded over time is still there…
This woman could have been my mother-in-law, had things gone differently. I remember her fondly, she liked me – and told me I was much better for her son than any of the other “bimbos” he dated. She was a spunky Irish woman who baked soda bread and made corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day, and smoked and drank like it was going out of style. But even so, she loved her family fiercely, and always told it like it was. She was a real piece of work.
The Irish Catholic in my blood tells me it is only proper to go to the wake, since I knew her well (even though it was so long ago) – anyone who is an Irish Catholic knows that even if you just recognize a person’s name, you go to their wake. It’s a no-brainer. Irish Catholics probably spend about one-quarter of their lives attending wakes and funerals, it’s just the way we are.
Besides, I want to see Kevin.
I want to see him, even though my stomach is churning as I type and I actually feel lightheaded. My life has done a 180 since I last saw him, and I’m hoping his has as well. I want to look him in the eye one more time and say a sober goodbye. Part of me is terrified that he is my “trigger,” that one moment with him could catapult my life right back to where it was ten years ago, but the logical part of me knows that won’t happen. I am older, stronger, and wiser. I have a life, a job and a daughter. Too much to ever lose.
I would be lying if I said I had no feelings for him anymore. Because I do. He loved me, and I loved him, and despite the hell we went through, we also had some really good times. He took care of me the best he knew how, and I am grateful for that. At the end, it wasn’t him I left, the Kevin I knew had been ravaged alive by drugs and alcohol. My Kevin was gone. And maybe I want to see him to find out if any of my Kevin has returned. And maybe if I do see him, and he hasn’t changed, my heart will break a little more but I will be able to lock the door on that chapter of my life.
In any case, the wake is tomorrow. And as fate would have it, I am not scheduled to work at RL. Which means I can go. But should I?
4 comments:
The question you need to ask yourself is "why?" What's your *real* motivation for going? Is it to try and open a part of your past that almost killed you? Is it to try and bring a man back into a relationship with a daughter that he abandoned? Or is it to show respect for the dead? What do you really want to get out of this? Why are you really doing it and do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that it will turn out well based on what you know about the situation?
Only you can answer those questions, Dasi. For me, I know to try and go backwards that way would kill me. Maybe it works differently for you. Have you asked your sponsor about it?
Actually, he's not my daughter's father... so that's one thing you don't have to worry about. I DO want to see him - why, I can't honestly say. And I have no idea what to expect.
As far as talking to my sponsor - well, haven't been down that road for almost as long as it's been since I've seen Kevin...!
I do appreciate your input, though, I've got a lot to think about tonight...
What the HELL are you thinking??? This doesn't have a damned thing to do with Kevin's mother and you know it. You can pay your respects right where you are. An Irish wake? Are you kidding???
Sorry, Dasi, I guess it's been so long since you've added to your story that I lost track of who's who. *cough* *cough* Not that I'd try and guilt you into writing more or anything...
As for not seeing a sponsor in a bit, well, maybe this is a sign that it's time to hit a meeting again. Studies show that long-term sobriety, and long-term serenity, are usually aided by attending meetings on a regular basis. Same thing for working with a sponsor and working with others. Or, so I've been told. *ahem*
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