Beauty is in the Eye....

I'm sure you all already know this, but apparently Julia Roberts was again named the most beautiful person by People magazine. I read in an article that apparently she has reached the peak of her beauty since she gave birth to her twins, because she is "satisfied and content." I don't know about any of you, but as a mother, I can say that when you have a baby (let alone two) at home, you are very rarely "content." Satisfied - maybe. I guess I can see that. She's got a boy and a girl - she's done now. Satisfied. Yeah, I guess I buy "satisfied." But no way in hell should she be content!!! Of course, unlike most other mothers, I'm sure she has round-the-clock nannies, a housekeeping staff, gournet chefs and let's not forget Danny. And as far as her healthy glow and great figure after giving birth to twins - two words - personal trainer. WAIT - two more words - makeup artist. Any of you know any women who have either of these people on staff? Didn't think so.

So as far as I'm concerned, that whole thing is a load of bs. I'm not saying Julia isn't beautiful, she is, but let's not go overboard and gush about how having children made her more beautiful. I'm sure we'll be seeing plenty of pictures of her and Danny and the kids, at the park, at the beach, etc. etc. and tons of stories about how she is going to be a hands on mom, but I'm sorry, I just don' think that's how it's going to be. I mean, I love my daughter to death and wouldn't trade her for the world, but if someone came up to me and said "Hello, I am your nanny and I will do all the dirty work regarding your child" don't think for a minute I would pass up that opportunity!! Your run-of-the-mill mom is a supertalented multi-tasker - she works full-time, does all the cleaning and laundry, cooks for the family, helps with homework, plays chauffeur, hosts "play dates," cares for the pets (Doesn't Julia have like 28 dogs or something? None of which, I'm sure, she cares for herself. And petting doesn't count.), attends school functions or sports events or both, yada yada etc. and so on. What does Julia do? Smiles for the People people. While her nanny watches the kids. Hell, who can blame her, I guess? If I had multi-millions, I'd do the same thing. But let's all be honest and admit that having kids did not make her more beautiful. I'd like to see her in 20 years with those kids if she suddenly lost all her money and clout - she'd look just as harried as the rest of us. Wait -did I say 20 years?? I'm betting she wouldn't even make 2. But that's just my opinion.

ELLEN ARE YOU OUT THERE??

Before I start today's post, I would just like to make one comment: Constantine, you were robbed. Even though I love Bo, you were a worthy opponent and thus should not have been eliminated before Lurch. I think your main problem is that most tween girls are not allowed to stay up late enough to keep voting for you. Sorry, bud.

Now that that is out of the way, it is time to discuss something that is frustrating the hell out of my daughter, and has become somewhat of an obsession for myself: Ellen Degeneres. Now, before you jump to any conclusions - I am not competition for Portia DiRossi. Nor do I ever wish to be. I enjoy Ellen immensely, and her show, and would love to hang out with her. As would my daughter. Which is why we have developed this intense NEED to somehow make contact with her.

It all started when I tivo'd her show to see some star who I really enjoyed who happened to be one of her guests that day. (In hindsight, I probably never should have done that, because just look what one innocent "dong" on the tivo machine has snowballed into. ) When I returned home that evening and watched the show, I found I REALLY enjoyed it. Ellen was funny as hell, her guests seemed to enjoy being there, people were dancing... it just seemed like one big party on my tv. My daughter was watching it with me, and we both agreed - Ellen was FUN. We started tivo'ing her show on a regular basis, and one day she read a letter from a viewer. After reading this letter, she called the viewer, and invited her out to LA to see the show. Well, that just blew my daughter's mind. All it took was a letter to Ellen, and this person got to go to LA and meet her. She was on the computer almost instantly after that.

Lexie's letter was the basic stuff of an 8 year old's mind (yes, 8, it was almost a year and a half ago that this began): I love you, you're cool, can I come on your show (preferably when you have Hilary Duff on), I have two cats... you know, things that a mega-celebrity like Ellen would DEFINITELY take notice of. We sent her letter certified mail (return receipt requested), and got the return receipt about a week later. But her letter was never read on the air. And she never got her phone call.

Soon after that, I found Ellen's website, and started entering for free giveaways, and submitting information for whatever she happened to be looking for. When she wanted couples that had been married 30 years or more, I told her about my grandparents (together 67 years). When she wanted bad school photos, I sent her three (don't ask). When she asked what your dream was, my daughter sent hers - to be on the show and meet her. STILL NOTHING. Desperate, I sent her a link to an article about the legalization of shooting cats in Wisconsin. Knowing her penchant for animals, I was sure THIS would get her attention. And maybe get my name mentioned on the air. Guess what? Still nothing.

Then it happened - last Sunday, my daughter and I were watching a week old episode, and Ellen was trying to call yet another lucky soul. Only this time, when she left her phone number on the machine, they didn't bleep it out. My daughter and I looked at each other with newfound hope - WE HAD ELLEN'S NUMBER. I rewound the tivo again and again, just to make sure we had heard correctly. And although it was almost 10:00 on a Sunday night, my daughter grabbed the phone and started to dial. I swear I heard the ringing myself while she held the receiver to her ear, both of us holding our breaths in anticipation. Then I saw her face change. First, pure exhiliration, then the crestfallen look of someone whose dreams were once again dashed. I asked her what happened, and she sadly said "She's not there" and handed me the phone. Of course, I hit redial and waited to hear what my daughter had heard already, which was this: "HI! This is Ellen!" (which accounted for her joyful look) "If you're hearing me, then everyone must be gone" (crestfallen). The message continued with instructions to leave a message, but alas, the voicemailbox was already full. I hung up and hugged my daughter. "We'll try again tomorrow, honey," I said with determination. "Don't you worry, we'll get a hold of Ellen."

(Ok, now some of you may think that at about this point, I was treading into stalking territory. But I wasn't - because in Webster's stalking is defined as "to pursue quarry or prey stealthily" or "to walk stiffly or haughtily". I really don't consider Ellen to be quarry or prey, just a possible buddy. And neither myself nor my daughter was walking stiffly or haughtily. )

On Monday when we got home, my daughter tried the number again (did I mention that Ellen is now on our phone directory list?). This time, she got an actual person. She told the woman that she really liked Ellen and was hoping Ellen could call her. Apparently, the woman very nicely told her that Ellen was doing a show - buh-bye. My daughter dejectedly hung up the phone. Her heavy sigh indicated to me that in her eyes, the fight was over. I nodded my head knowingly, and said, "They gave you the brush off, honey. Well, next time that won't happen, I promise you." At that point, she asked if I would call Ellen for her (yeah, right - e-mailing is one thing, but I'm not crazy enough to start calling her myself. I could get arrested!) and I explained to her that it was probably best if she keep trying to call Ellen herself. That Ellen liked kids a lot, and would rather hear from her. (Which actually is true, anyway, I'm sure) So now we are trying to think of something improtant for her to say, something Ellen will respond to, something that will GET HER NOTICED. (Hopefully though it won't involve swallowing a needle and having surgery like her last viewer we saw on the air.) And it will happen. You just keep watching. And Ellen, if you're reading this - we're really not crazy. I swear.

Sing Along With Dasi

I was driving to work today, listening to my Beatles CD (Yes, the Beatles. I find it to be a refreshing change of pace now and then) and singing along with all the songs when I was struck by a thought - how the HELL do I know ALL the words to ALL these songs?? I mean, the Beatles weren't actually mainstream when I was growing up. I haven't owned a Beatles CD until I bought this one maybe a year ago. And yet, I can't remember a time when I DIDN'T know the words. And motown. I know THOSE words too!! You know, all those fun dance songs from a generation I wasn't a part of. My generation grew up in the 80's - and of course I know the words to practically every 80's song as well. (Ask my brother - he'll vouch for that) Thanks to having a tween daughter, I also know the words to a good number of pop songs out today. So I was thinking, wow, I've got like this AWESOME memory, my mind is like a sponge!! I must be retaining things on a daily basis that I don't even REALIZE!! I mean, come on, I know the words to songs that came out before I was even born, and weren't played on a constant basis, so I must be a genius for remembering ALL THOSE WORDS for so long!! Stop and think for a minute - how many times does a song come on the radio and you just KNOW the words and start singing them? Like ALL THE TIME. At least for me. Cause I'm a genius with a fantastic memory, right? But then I got to thinking some more - if I'm this Einstein with a photographic memory, why do I spend at least 10 minutes every morning looking for my keys? How come every time I get home from the grocery store, I realize I forgot the ONE thing I went there for in the first place? And why is it when I go to a party and see the same people I have met quite a few times before I can't for the life of me remember their names?? (note: a good way to try to remember names is the "alphabet game" - Anna? Angela? Betty? etc. - usually you come across the right name. Of course, that method is VERY time consuming, and I wouldn't recommend doing it in front of the person who's name you are trying to remember. You will look like a stupid person, and we all know how I feel about stupid people.) So now I am very confused. A minute ago, I thought I had this awesome memory, and now I realize I don't. BUT WAIT - maybe I just have selective memory. That must be it. For some unknown reason, my mind seems to think knowing the words to "Oh Mickey" is much more important than driving anywhere. And who knows, maybe my mind is right. Maybe someday I'll be on a game show and need to know information like that to win a ten million dollar prize. And knowing that my brother's friend's girlfriend's sister's friend's name is Carol is irrelevant. Hmm. Well, I guess I'll never know the reason behind this phenomenon, so in the meantime I'll just keep singing.

The Lost Art of Grounding

Ok, help me out here - I'm sure all of us have been grounded at one point or another while we were growing up. And from what I remember, you were just that - GROUNDED. When an airplane is grounded, it can't take off. When a child is grounded, they can't take off either - or so I thought.

I had the dubious privilege of grounding my nine year old daughter last Friday for mouthing off and having a bad attitude. (We won't go into details - but I doubt I'd be around to write this had I spoken to my parents the way she spoke to me) I believe my exact words were, "That's it - you are grounded for one week!" Once my blood pressure dropped from the dangerously high level it had reached due to my anger, I more calmly informed my angel that her attitude was unacceptable and if she planned on reaching 10, she had better work on changing it. Funny thing was, she didn't argue or whine about the grounding at all, and actually apologized. This made for a very relaxing Friday night after all, we both were able to catch up on some tv watching and got to bed at a reasonable hour - at least for a Friday night.

Saturday morning came, and we had her Bowling Banquet, after which we hung out in the lounge (that's where the banquet was - I do not allow my daughter to frequent lounges just yet). As we left the bowling alley to go home, my daughter asked if she could have a friend over. Ok, here starts the tricky part - try and keep up. Without missing a beat, I replied, "No, you are grounded, remember?" She then asked if she could go to a friend's house. Thinking my daughter may not have heard me properly, I reiterated my first response, a bit more loudly. From there, I was barraged with other requests, all involving leaving the house or going to a friend's house. Some were actually quite inspired: "How about my friends come here and we pretend they aren't really here?" I finally got so tired of answering no, I just stopped answering altogether. Which lead to a multitude of heavy sighs and rolled eyes. BUT - we did stay at home, and so her grounding remained in effect.

On Sunday, when we were getting ready to visit my grandparents, she once again asked if "when we got home" she could go to a friend's or have a friend over. I looked at my still-dripping-from-the-shower child and replied, "No." Common sense, right? I mean, the child is GROUNDED. And we already established the definition - or so I thought. Just to make sure, I patiently explained - "When you are GROUNDED you do not GO places, you do not HAVE friends OVER. You are GROUNDED." At which point she plopped her wet little butt on the couch and stated, "Fine. If I am GROUNDED, and I do not GO places, I am not going to Great Grandma and Poppop's house." (note: Just so we are clear, I really WANTED to beat the hell out of this disrespectful, arrogant child. But I would've gotten arrested, and besides, I am basically a very nonviolent person.) Through gritted teeth, I replied "You get your little ass off that couch and go dry your hair - you are GOING to Great Grandma and Poppops' house!" I think I may have morphed into a demon or something at that point, because she did just that. Again, rest of the day - uneventful.

Finally we came to Monday. I picked her up from aftercare and she wrote me a nice letter telling me how good she has been being and how she promises not to have an attitude and how sorry she is for having an attitude before. Lovely letter, until she got to her actual point: "So can I ride my bike with Kara when we get home?" WHY DOES THIS CHILD NOT GET IT???? AM I GOING INSANE???? YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR ONE WEEK. YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR ONE WEEK. YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR ONE WEEK. THAT IS ENGLISH, RIGHT??? (Ok, Deep Cleansing Breaths) "No, Lexie, sweetheart, you cannot. You are grounded, remember?" This led to a major hissy fit, where my daughter informed me that I am not following the Rules of Grounding, that my rules are not fair. (????)

Ok - here it is - apparently, when you ground a child, you may only ground them from ONE specific thing. i.e. "You are grounded from seeing your friend Kara." Now, this particular grounding would mean that although she may not see Kara, she may call her on the phone or go out and ride her bike, but if she should happen to see Kara, she must turn around and avoid her. Of course, she can see any other friends she likes. Another grounding would be "You are grounded from riding your bike." Self-explanatory - as long as she is not riding her bike, eveything else is a-ok. Including sitting on her bike, because she is not actually riding it. And any grounding is automatically lifted if the proper apology is given. Apparently her apology, explicit and in writing, should have immediately lifted her grounding, or at least part of it.

This is the part where I should have hugged my daughter and told her I loved her - NOT!!! I told her that was the STUPIDEST thing I ever heard and if she ever tried to use that logic on me again, she would be grounded FOREVER. Or until the grounding rules change again. Whatever.

All I know is that parenting is much more frustrating than I ever thought it would be. I bet my parents are glad I was such a well-behaved child.

My First Post

First may I say, thank you dear brother for enlightening me to this wonderful world of blogging. Even though I think you only told me about it so I would stop calling you every time I had another interesting thought. I hope you realize that I WILL still call, though possibly not as frequently. Anyway.

Supposedly I should use this to "journal" - or just to spew forth whatever thought crosses my mind. Therefore, I think I will begin this by discussing stupid people. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF THEM ON THIS PLANET???? It seems that every day, no matter what I do or where I go, I ALWAYS encounter at least one stupid person. Usually more than one. Now, don't get me wrong, I make no claim to be a genius myself (although I am quite close to it, just ask my mother), but it just seems to me that there is a vast overabundance of people who were short changed in the grey matter department. I'm talking people who are so stupid, they don't even REALIZE they are stupid. To me, stupid people who admit they are stupid aren't really stupid at all, the simple fact that they recognize their substandard intelligence indicates some form of non-stupidity. Hence, the only TRUE stupid people actually think they are smart. Or have no opinion on the subject of intelligence at all.

Take, for example, the "making up a word" stupid person. I have an acquaintance who insists on making up words at any given opportunity. He seems to think this makes him sound smarter. Unfortunately, hearing him say "we were standing around conversating" has quite the opposite effect. Kind of like nails on a chalkboard, if you want my opinion.

Then there is the misinformed stupid person. These are the people who will join in a conversation just to sound smart. They will discuss any subject the group happens to be discussing, even if they know nothing about it. And they will never admit to their ignorance. You could be discussing the latest developments in global thermonuclear war, for instance, and they will interject something like "I feel the government is not acting responsibly enough regarding that" - when you and the rest of your group were in actuality discussing classic 80's movies and not the government at all.

I could go on and on about stupid people, which I think I will, later. For now, I must leave , and try to avoid stupid people once I leave my office for the day.