Damn Counselors

So I am actually in a pretty funky mood. Have been for a while, lately. Of course, you wouldn't know this, since I haven't really talked about it, let alone blogged about it. It just seems as though nobody is happy anymore, that there is something wrong with EVERYONE, and in addition to this, the little things have really been annoying the hell out of me. Maybe because I'm already not in the best mood, but who knows?

For example, I came in to work extra early today since I have about a TON of work to catch up on (through no fault of my own, it's just nearing the end of the fiscal year), and on the train this woman sitting behind me was chewing her gum like a cow. A LOUD cow. And every disgusting smacking noise made me want to turn around and smack the crap out of her. The a man got on and sat across from me, and he smelled like he had just smoked a whole pack of cigarettes at once. And the topper? The guy across the aisle lets out a rip-roaring fart while he slept in his seat. I honestly thought I was going to turn green and do an Incredible Hulk on the entire population of the train car.

And Lexie is now a teenager, which doesn't mean a whole lot - other than she now uses that as her excuse for everything: "But mom, I'm a TEENAGER now - why can't I stay on the computer until 5:00 am??" "Sorry - I forgot to do my chores. But ALL teenagers do that." My patience with her is shot to shit, and my nerves are wound tighter than I don't know what. So her little attitude lately has just been setting me off more. She just doesn't seem to get that I work two jobs, last Friday between the two of them I put in 17 hours straight, and it would be REALLY NICE if when I got home her chores were actually DONE and she would listen to me when I talked to her, instead of tapping away at the damn computer keyboard. And? I bought her a really nice digital camera for her birthday a few weeks ago - which she dropped on the bathroom floor and broke a few days ago while taking pictures of herself in the mirror for f-ing MySpace. DEEP BREATHS. She gets all indignant with me when I get upset over things like this, since after all, it was HER camera she broke, why am I so upset about it? MAYBE BECAUSE I BUST MY ASS WORKING TO BUY HER NICE THINGS AND SHE TREATS THEM LIKE SHIT????? YOU THINK?????

Don't get me wrong - I love my daughter more than I love my own life. Which is why, when things STARTED getting tense, I decided we should go to a counselor to try to keep things on an even keel before it got out of hand. I mean, since there's no dad in the picture, there's no buffer. And I am guilty of overreacting at times, and yelling out of frustration, just as she is guilty of not doing chores and having MAJOR attitude. So I figured, third party - good idea. Talk to us both, help us keep communication open, make suggestions... proactivity. So we went to Schaumburg Youth Services - which is also called Spectrum. (I am deliberately putting the name in here so if people ever google it, they'll hopefully find this blog. You'll see why.)

Initially, Lexie was NOT very receptive to this plan. She informed me she was NOT crazy, and would not be attending. I patiently explained that nobody was calling her crazy, that we just needed to talk to someone to help us BOTH relate to each other better, and figure out why we tended to fight a lot, and help us work out our issues. She grudgingly went with me to the intake, then refused to sign the consent form since it referred to "mental health," and again - "I'm NOT crazy." At this point, I was ready to strangle the child right there, thus eliminating any further need for the counseling session, but instead I said through gritted teeth and a smile, "Sign the damn paper RIGHT NOW." Thankfully, she did. And know what? The intake went really really well. I explained that Lexie was really a good kid, but we were just having attitude issues, and she rarely did her chores. And that I know it seemed silly to be at counseling for this, but I wanted to make sure nothing ever DID get worse. The girl was super nice, and told Lexie she was no different than any other kid her age, that it was completely normal to butt heads with her mom, but that both of us needed to take a step back and look at the big picture. She talked to us both a little bit, individually and together, and after she had a full background on us (my past addiction, Lexie's absent addict father) she said it would probably be a very good idea to just come in for sessions for a while to talk things out. Which is what I was hoping for, because honestly? I kind of wanted Lexie to have someone to talk to about any "daddy issues" she may be having as well, since I know lately the very IDEA of him has been bugging her. And I know she doesn't feel that comfortable talking to me about him, even though I certainly would if she asked. Anyhoo.

So as I said, it all went well, and we were told that my insurance would be run, and as soon as a slot opened up, we would be called in for our next appointment.

Fast-forward a month and a half.

No one had called, so I called THEM. And asked if anything had opened up yet. I was told, "Oh, yes! Why don't you come in Thursday?" So we did.

This time, we met with a woman probably in her 60's. She seemed very nice, and asked Lexie a lot of questions about school, and how she felt about me, yadda, yadda. Lexie, again not thrilled to be there, answered as most barely-thirteen-year-olds do, "I don't know" and "I guess" and "sometimes." I told her how Lexie was a good kid, but she never cleaned the litter boxes, or picked up her pop cans, and I tended to yell a lot about that. I explained that all I wanted was some respect and consideration from her, and that I felt we needed to communicate more.

This woman nodded and took notes, and started out by making some really good suggestions - "Alexis, if you don't want your mom to yell, don't you think you should do your chores?" "Dasi, you need to separate yourself from the situation when she upsets you. If she doesn't do her chores, there should be consequences, since yelling doesn't help." Good thoughts - I was feeling like this may really help.

Then forty minutes in, she looks at Lexie point-blank and asks, "Do you have any medical conditions?"

Lexie looked confused, and replied, "Um, no..."

She pressed on. "Epilepsy? Diabetes? Asthma?"

"No..." Lexie said again.

"No, she's healthy," I added.

The woman started at Lexie and put her pen down. "Because I have to tell you, you looked stoned. I think you're stoned. Dasi, you'd better get her to the nearest hospital for a drug test, because she is definitely stoned."

I about fell out of my chair. WHAT?? How did we get from "she doesn't clean the litterbox" to "you look stoned?" "My daughter doesn't do drugs," I said with a nervous laugh. This was ridiculous!

She looked at me. "Most parents are blind to this kind of thing," she said - almost sympathetically.

I bristled. "Look, I am WELL AWARE aof 'this kind of thing,' having had an addiction MYSELF," obviously, this woman never even bothered to read our intake sheet.

"Then you know how important it is. I am just being HONEST. HONESTY is the most important aspect of therapy. She is stoned. Have her take the test. If she's not, well, everyone's happy. But I'm telling you, she IS."

I was shocked into becoming a babbling fool. "She never even leaves the HOUSE!" I stammered.

"Doesn't mean she can't still get drugs," she responded smugly. "Can I please talk to Alexis alone for a minute?"

I hate myself now for doing this, but I left my poor daughter alone with that woman. And ten minutes later, when she came out, she was crying uncontrollably. I jumped up and went to her.

"I'm NOT on drugs, mom!" she sobbed. "I'll take the stupid test!"

"I know you're not," I assured her. "Let's get out of here."

In the car, I had to convince my daughter that this was NOT the reason I brought her to a counselor, that I KNEW she wasn't on drugs. And that this woman was WRONG. What the hell?? What kind of counselor ACCUSES a thiteen year old girl of being stoned?? ESPECIALLY when the reason she was there had nothing to DO with drugs! she kept spouting about "honesty-" ok, fine - pull ME out in the hallway and ask if I felt there may be a drug issue. Do NOT smash a child's self-image by announcing they "look stoned." Unless a kid has a joint hanging out of their mouth or a needle stuck in their arm, NO ONE has the right to blatantly ACCUSE them of being "stoned." I was PISSED.

when I asked Lexie what happened after I left, she said this woman kept telling her to "tell the truth," to "tell her what she was on" since her mom wasn't there and it was all confidential. She said she couldn't help her if she "kept lying." Poor Lexie kept crying and telling her "I don't DO drugs!" to which this so-called counselor replied, "then why are you crying?" DUH!! You are accusing a kid of something she didn't do! And the kicker? After spending the whole time accusing her of lying and saying she had a drug problem, when she let Lexie out, she told her, "It was a pleasure meeting you, Alexis, I look forward to seeing you again next week." YEAH, RIGHT!!

I spent that whole evening convincing Lexie I trusted her, and that she did NOT look stoned, and that the woman must've been crazy, or just thought ALL teenagers did drugs. And that I loved her. And that I was sorry she went through that. And that if she ever DID do drugs, I wouldn't bring her to counseling, I would beat the crap out of her myself. Which made her laugh. And really? She probably won't trust another counselor for a LOOOONG time, and I can't say I blame her.

So the next day, I called Spectrum and talked to a supervisor. And BLASTED that stupid counselor and her method. I got apology upon apology, and was asked if we wanted to come back to talk to her again and tell her how we felt. Ummmm... NO. I think she damaged my daughter enough, thank you very little. AND? I expected my payment back, since I did NOT pay $100 to have my daughter accused of being STONED. (Of course, ma'am, of course!) I spent a good ten minutes ranting about how treatment like that could permanently damage a child's psyche and ego and who the HELL did this woman think she was making accusations like that with no valid proof, or, for that matter, no question by the parent about drug use? How many OTHER kids did she mess up? And how many MORE will she do this to? Funniest thing - the damn woman is a "Certified Addictions Counselor" as well - I'd like to know who gave her that certification, because she REALLY needs to work on her tact and compassion.

So to wrap this up, Lexie is fine now, she knows there is nothing wrong with her, and we will never go back to Spectrum again. And although I wanted to write about more in this post, apparently I have been writing way too long already and have to get to work (which was why I came in early in the first place!!). But if you DO take your child to Spectrum in Schaumburg, make sure you ask if the counselor plans on accusing your child of being "stoned" before you go.

And as far as the rest of the stuff on my mind - well, I guess I'll get to all that at a later date.