Good to be Back

Can you believe it? I actually DID it! I read my tribute to Poppops at the funeral luncheon. All by myself. And I did ok - I only broke down twice... and both times, my dad was there for me to lean on. But I finished, and in the long run, I am glad I did it myself - I think Poppops would've been proud.

It was a really long week, and there were a lot of laughs and a lot of tears. It's never easy losing someone you love, no matter how old they are or how many times people tell you, "Well, he lived a good long life." I know he did, but that doesn't change the fact that life without Poppops seems really strange... I keep thinking that the next time I drive out to Naperville, he'll still be there - making popcorn, or offering me a beer, or asking me if I've found a husband yet (maybe some divine intervention would help now, 'kay, Poppops?). And then it will hit me that he's really gone. and I don't think the hurt will go away for a long time. But it is getting easier, and I know it will continue to get less painful as time goes on.

Ace is having a hard time dealing with the loss of his brother, too. Apparently he just realized that Baby was gone the day we got back from the funeral. Because he just sat there and cried. It tore my heart out. I don't know how many of you have ever heard a cat cry, but it is a really tough thing to hear. It's not a yowling, or a meow - it really is a cry... a long, sad wail. The timing was really bad too, since we just got home from Poppops' funeral. So I just held him for a while and tried to explain to him that Baby wasn't coming home (yes, I was explaining to my cat - doesn't everybody?) and now he sticks to me like glue. Literally. Anywhere I am that the dog can't get to - Ace is there. As in, I am tripping over him any time I am in the kitchen or the play area or my bedroom... and he sleeps on my pillow at night curled up as close to my head as he can get. I don't care what anyone says - animals definitely sense loss and have feelings. So to try to help him out a bit, I got him some catnip - which he loves. Lexie told me it was wrong to get the cat high to deal with the loss of his brother - but hey, he's a cat. And catnip is legal. And he was really happy. ("Sure he is mom," Lexie respondedwith disgust. "He's high!") In any case, I explained to Lexie that it is perfectly ok for cats to get high to deal with a death, but not for people to. Unless they use catnip. Tee hee.

And speaking of Lexie... Remember when I used to write about this sweet little tween daughter I had who sometimes gave me a tad bit of a hassle? I miss her!! Because I now have a sassy, smart-ass teenager who lives on the computer and her cell phone and who is planning to go to college somewhere she needs to take a plane to get to. And you know what? I have no idea how to do this whole parenting thing anymore! I mean, for some idiotic reason, I always thought "Hey, I'm going to be the best mom, totally cool, cause you know I've been there, done that with everything in life, and I will be able to relate to my daughter. And she will trust me, and tell me everything, and we will have this great relationship, and always get along. It will be awesome!" HA!! Fair warning to anyone who thinks this - no matter how cool you are, or how much you think you know about your child, your kid thinks you are a total loser and you know absolutely nothing about them. Don't get me wrong, I love Lexie more than life, and for the most part she is a really good kid... but the attitude? OH. MY. GOD. I have never wanted to smack the hell out of my child before - but lately? All the time. Which isn't to say I would, of course, but I now know what my mom meant when she always told me growing up I had a "tone." I believe this tone is something you really don't develop an ear for until you have a child of your own, because when I was growing up, I never heard it - and Lexie claims she has no idea what I mean by it, either. But as a parent? I don't even have the words to explain how much I HATE that tone. That "you are such a moron why are you even talking to me" tone. Which I basically hear every single day. Fun stuff, I assure you.

She will be starting high school next year, which really blows my mind. First of all, because high school? Seriously? My daughter? I don't feel old enough to have a daughter in high school... but I guess I am...! Secondly, because I remember high school. Very clearly. And if she tries to get away with half the things I did, I will have to kill her. Hypocritical? Maybe. But it's my right as a parent. So there. Hopefully she will keep on keeping on as she has been, because like I sai, really a great kid. Except for that damn tone...!

Finally, an update on TBOTE... I need to reread everything myself again, just to get back in the right frame of mind. So I am hoping to have another chapter within the next month. And actually, there aren't too many more chapters until the end... well, not another 40, at least. But I do plan a sequel - because it is much easier to sell a novel when there is a sequel. Or so I hear.

Ok, I think this is enough for now. I forgot how much I enjoy writing! And I've missed it. I guess it's just a matter of making the time, right?