Am I Nuts???

Seriously. I was just wondering. Because, you know, I did something that was probably NOT the smartest thing in the world to do. HOWEVER, I am one of those ridiculously nostalgic people who have a tendency to relive the past in their minds and occasionally look up old phone numbers or e-mails just to see how the friend I had in sixth grade is doing...

Yeah. But. THIS, this can of worms I opened up... This may be right up there with the time I thought holding my yet-to be-declawed cat while wearing a short sleeved shirt and trying to take him on the balcony would be a good idea. Although, the gashes in my arms DID heal eventually...

So, are you all dying of curiosity yet? (Those of you who still read my blog, I mean!) Fine. I am loathe to admit it, but here goes. AND? As I know for a fact that my brother, mother and father NEVER read this, I would be much obliged if those of you who know them would keep this to yourself for the time being.

Yes, it's THAT bad. See, last week I was doing my routine check of all the jails in the Illinois area, and guess who landed in County Jail on St. Patrick's day? I'll give you a hint: he is the male lead in "TBOTE." Yup, none other than my tragically lost Kevin. And probably because I was feeling nostalgic, and life has been a bit overwhelming, and maybe because I am a bit of a fool, I wrote him a letter.

And mailed it.

When I told a select few friends, they all asked, "You didn't put a return address, did you?" To which I replied, "Of course I did - how else would he write back?"

Duh. Yeah, I mean, Kevin had been harmless in the past, but this is like his second or third stint in jail, and it's been like twelve years, and the charges weren't listed, and...? I have a tendency to overlook anything bad and just remember good things. It never really occurred to me that he could show up on my doorstep with a gun and a smile and kill me in my sleep. Ok, so that is a bit extreme, but if I was really being honest with myself I would have to admit that I really didn't know him anymore. And just because he would never have hurt me in the past didn't mean that he was still a basically nice guy with some issues - he could now be some drug-crazed, brain-addled psychotic.

Who I just wrote a letter to telling him how disappointed I was to see him in jail again and that he should really think about getting help. Because I still thought about him (true) and still cared about him (well, the "him" I knew, anyway), and because look how awesome MY life turned out when I straightened up. Oh, and that I was sorry about his mother. Since she died and all.

Yes, I was lecturing an ex that I hadn't seen in over a decade who was now in jail and probably wouldn't appreciate my "concern." Maybe it WASN'T such a great idea. But it was too late.

Then - SURPRISE! I get a letter. A SEVEN PAGE letter. From Kevin. Who still cares about me. Who still talked about me - most recently to his cellmate, just the other day. Who couldn't believe how strange it was that just when he had been talking about me, he gets a letter from me.

I have to admit, I cried. It really hurt reading his words and thinking about the past - the good times with Kev. Because despite everything, there were a LOT of good times. The big problem was the drugs. And? In his letter Kevin said the same thing. Said that for the last 8 years, he has been trying to stay clean. That his sister had been helping him out. That he was so glad I was living a happy life.

In fact, he pretty much told me everything that happened that led to this most current arrest. Apparently, he had been doing really well, had his own place, a good job, was clean and doing meetings daily - then he found out his dad had cancer. And he sat at home and got really drunk. Alone. And broke into a garage and stole a bike with a flat tire (my favorite line? "I know - I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box sometimes." Because to hear him admit that when I've known it all along... at least when it comes to getting into trouble. We're talking about a guy who got busted stealing a snowblower at 3 AM in the middle of July - and trying to say he was just borrowing it from a friend.) And he called an ex-girlfriend who also was an addict who came over and they got high and long story short, she took the bike out, got arrested, and got Kevin arrested too.

Since then, he has been in treatment in jail, and his sister has hired an attorney and he plans to live with her again and start all over. Which is good. He sounds so optimistic about everything, and even though I could be a sucker for this - I believe him. I really think he can make this work. He thanked me for my letter, and for the constructive criticism, and said he was glad I was happy. And he asked if I could write again, and maybe send some pictures. And you know what? I just did. This time, I told him to hang in there, to keep focused, to get better. And I told him that it would be nice to be friends again if he were to stay sober.

The thing is, I feel pretty confident in myself that after all this time, I would never fall back into old habits. I have too much good in my life now, and can't even imagine going back down that road. Not even Kevin can bring me back there, because I am not the sheltered 22 year old girl he used to know. I am strong, and independent, and happy. I know Kevin has a long way to go in his life, and I am under no illusions that he will have an easy time of it, but it's really hard to just write off someone you loved so much. So maybe I am crazy, but in a way I feel a bit happier knowing that for now, he's ok. And that I really meant something to him. And that maybe my writing to him could help him too.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.