See, so I read other peoples' blogs, and then I feel guilty about mine... It's a good thing this blog is an inanimate object, otherwise I'm sure I would be proscuted for neglect and probably have all blogging privileges terminated. And THAT would be sad. Because neglectful as I am, when I want to write, I WANT TO WRITE, and faithful blogger is always there waiting for me to do so. So I'm sorry (again) blogger, and I won't even bother saying I'll write more frequently, since I probably won't (but MAYBE I will...!) and I despise liars. Anyhoo...
There are several things I could write about today, and I have decided that because of this, I will not write a long, rambling post on one subject, I will instead try to cram all those things in. Which may make it long and rambling anyway, but at least there will be diversity.
First of all, Kevin. Yes, I am still writing him, and so far he hasn't threatened to kill me or proposed marriage. So I feel pretty safe. His last letter actually made me laugh out loud, he told me when he wasn't in church or in meetings (of the AA/NA variety) he stayed in the dayroom and played Scrabble. And that he was the Scrabble King. But only because none of the other players knew how to spell anything longer than three letters. Kevin always had a great sense of humor. He also asked me to contact his sister, which I did. We had a great talk - and I reassured her that I had no intentions of seducing or being seduced by her brother. (And I swear I still don't, if you are reading this now!) Actually, I am enjoying corresponding with him and feeling that maybe in some weird way I am helping him get on the right track. But 12 years is a long time, and like I said, I am pretty happy with my life how it is right now. HOWEVER, his sister is an amazing woman and I am really glad we talked. She asked for the link to this, so hopefully she won't be too upset by TBOTE... Then again, I'm sure she knew more of what was going on than we thought she did. But shout out to you, E, and thanks for not hating ME.
In the spirit of "helping" Kevin, I also recently had a heart to heart with a cousin of mine who is STILL using. Oh, wait, that's right, no she's not. She insisted that she has been clean for "almost a year now." With NO help or rehab. After about 30 or so years of using. (What-Ever!) She has 3 kids, one son in college, a 15 year old daughter, and a 5 year old daughter. I don't know why I deceided to confront her NOW instead of earlier in my dozen plus years of being clean, but as it turned out, she agreed to go to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting with me, which she had never done before. And which I personally hadn't done in almost 10 years (not something I would recommend, but different strokes for different folks, and although I know I am not "cured," I have been doing well on my own. But without the meetings for the first three, I NEVER would've made it. But I digress...). I was a little freaked out, first that she agreed to go, second that I was actually going to a meeting again. I called a friend of mine who is still religious in the program, and his comment? "Yeah, dasi? Remember the 12th Step? To help others? It usually doesn't take TEN YEARS to do that...!" Thanks, Mike! It turned out really well, though - she cried a lot, and I think the seed has been planted. It was good for me, too, to be reminded of where I came from. Being around people with so short clean time really jars you when you've been there yourself. I can only pray though that she continues, for her sake AND for her kids' - because as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Well, I led. Start drinkin, cuz.
Lexie is making me totally insane - she will be 13 in August (I KNOW! I will be the mother of a TEENAGER! GASP!!!) and suddenly knows EVRYTHING. And TELLS me constantly. "I KNOW I am right! YOU are WRONG, and you KNOW it!" I have learned to ignore her. Arguing back only makes it worse. Basically, she is a good kid, but geez, the ATTITUDE!!! And her WHOLE life? AIM on the computer. Which I told you about before. And that punk-ass Lester?? I would tell you what he recently wrote to her, but it would make you all blush. Let's just say he implied he "needed help with his sex ed homework" and all she would have to do is (um...) orally pleasure him (my words, he was much more crude) and sign a piece of paper. I KNOW!!!! HE IS TWELVE!! Well, maybe 13, but WTF????? Thankfully, my daughter told him it looked like he was going to fail and promptly signed off. So like I said - good kid at the core, but making me crazy as hell and nervous too. I trust her - I just don't know about all the other kids in this world. *sigh*
AND THE CUBS!!!! YAY CUBBIES!!! Ok, so right at this precise moment we are getting slammed by the Rockies (shut up, Kendra & Amber) but you can't win them all. JUST MOST OF THEM!!! Tee hee!! This is OUR year, I am telling you. AND? I won two tickets for a rooftop party on June 12th. For those of you NOT blessed to be residing in the Chicagoland area, the rooftops are buildings right across the street from Wrigley Field where people can go on the roof and watch the game. Just like being there, but better in ways - since there is FREE FOOD AND BEVERAGES THROUGH THE ENTIRE GAME. Oh, joy! My friend Rene and I are planning to have a helluva time!! And I am SERIOUSLY contemplating dropping a huge chunk of money on a trip to Orlando with Cubs players in December. I have already been justifying the trip in my head, although in all honesty I shouldn't do it... but then again... Can you tell I am a die-hard Cubs fan???
Work here is awesome - I really enjoy what I do. Something about taking people's money for criminal debts is really fun. And also? Investigating people's backgrounds and assets and busting them for trying to cover up money they don't want us to know they have? HELLO? FUN AS HELL!!! A press release was just issued on one of our debtors who owned a hospital and was committing fraud and had to pay like $65 MILLION in restitution. This was like 5 or 6 years ago, and he HAS NOT PAID A DIME. But guess what?? Turns out he has offshore accounts in the Bahamas which he CLAIMED he had no control over... LIAR!!!! So now he is facing even more charges and the government will most likely take every dime he has to pay back the innocent people he scammed. See? FUN!!!
Finally, my old buddy Chef Scatzman stopped by my house the other day - he was the other attorney in Satan's office. The NICE one. Who now has his own practice (need a lawyer in the Chicagoland area? For ANYTHING? Call Jeff Saltzman (847) 397-6030 - shameless plug, there). I have referred a couple people to him, and we keep in touch, because he is a great lawyer, and an even GREATER person. So he stops by and gives me this really cool plant, and a Thank You card which almost made me cry, and several gift cards - more than I deserve! Basically, he let me know it meant a lot to him that I always was concerned about his family and his business, and I was a good friend, and he was proud of me for getting my new job. Awwww, Chef! Seriously, the guy is awesome. And now I can get some new clothes!
Heavens! Look at the time! I have to get back to making the bad guys pay. But at least now you're all updated!
****POSTSCRIPT - Did I say the Cubs were getting slammed by the Rockies?? How about coming back from an 8-run deficit to take the lead in the 7th???? GO CUBS!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Am I Nuts???
Seriously. I was just wondering. Because, you know, I did something that was probably NOT the smartest thing in the world to do. HOWEVER, I am one of those ridiculously nostalgic people who have a tendency to relive the past in their minds and occasionally look up old phone numbers or e-mails just to see how the friend I had in sixth grade is doing...
Yeah. But. THIS, this can of worms I opened up... This may be right up there with the time I thought holding my yet-to be-declawed cat while wearing a short sleeved shirt and trying to take him on the balcony would be a good idea. Although, the gashes in my arms DID heal eventually...
So, are you all dying of curiosity yet? (Those of you who still read my blog, I mean!) Fine. I am loathe to admit it, but here goes. AND? As I know for a fact that my brother, mother and father NEVER read this, I would be much obliged if those of you who know them would keep this to yourself for the time being.
Yes, it's THAT bad. See, last week I was doing my routine check of all the jails in the Illinois area, and guess who landed in County Jail on St. Patrick's day? I'll give you a hint: he is the male lead in "TBOTE." Yup, none other than my tragically lost Kevin. And probably because I was feeling nostalgic, and life has been a bit overwhelming, and maybe because I am a bit of a fool, I wrote him a letter.
And mailed it.
When I told a select few friends, they all asked, "You didn't put a return address, did you?" To which I replied, "Of course I did - how else would he write back?"
Duh. Yeah, I mean, Kevin had been harmless in the past, but this is like his second or third stint in jail, and it's been like twelve years, and the charges weren't listed, and...? I have a tendency to overlook anything bad and just remember good things. It never really occurred to me that he could show up on my doorstep with a gun and a smile and kill me in my sleep. Ok, so that is a bit extreme, but if I was really being honest with myself I would have to admit that I really didn't know him anymore. And just because he would never have hurt me in the past didn't mean that he was still a basically nice guy with some issues - he could now be some drug-crazed, brain-addled psychotic.
Who I just wrote a letter to telling him how disappointed I was to see him in jail again and that he should really think about getting help. Because I still thought about him (true) and still cared about him (well, the "him" I knew, anyway), and because look how awesome MY life turned out when I straightened up. Oh, and that I was sorry about his mother. Since she died and all.
Yes, I was lecturing an ex that I hadn't seen in over a decade who was now in jail and probably wouldn't appreciate my "concern." Maybe it WASN'T such a great idea. But it was too late.
Then - SURPRISE! I get a letter. A SEVEN PAGE letter. From Kevin. Who still cares about me. Who still talked about me - most recently to his cellmate, just the other day. Who couldn't believe how strange it was that just when he had been talking about me, he gets a letter from me.
I have to admit, I cried. It really hurt reading his words and thinking about the past - the good times with Kev. Because despite everything, there were a LOT of good times. The big problem was the drugs. And? In his letter Kevin said the same thing. Said that for the last 8 years, he has been trying to stay clean. That his sister had been helping him out. That he was so glad I was living a happy life.
In fact, he pretty much told me everything that happened that led to this most current arrest. Apparently, he had been doing really well, had his own place, a good job, was clean and doing meetings daily - then he found out his dad had cancer. And he sat at home and got really drunk. Alone. And broke into a garage and stole a bike with a flat tire (my favorite line? "I know - I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box sometimes." Because to hear him admit that when I've known it all along... at least when it comes to getting into trouble. We're talking about a guy who got busted stealing a snowblower at 3 AM in the middle of July - and trying to say he was just borrowing it from a friend.) And he called an ex-girlfriend who also was an addict who came over and they got high and long story short, she took the bike out, got arrested, and got Kevin arrested too.
Since then, he has been in treatment in jail, and his sister has hired an attorney and he plans to live with her again and start all over. Which is good. He sounds so optimistic about everything, and even though I could be a sucker for this - I believe him. I really think he can make this work. He thanked me for my letter, and for the constructive criticism, and said he was glad I was happy. And he asked if I could write again, and maybe send some pictures. And you know what? I just did. This time, I told him to hang in there, to keep focused, to get better. And I told him that it would be nice to be friends again if he were to stay sober.
The thing is, I feel pretty confident in myself that after all this time, I would never fall back into old habits. I have too much good in my life now, and can't even imagine going back down that road. Not even Kevin can bring me back there, because I am not the sheltered 22 year old girl he used to know. I am strong, and independent, and happy. I know Kevin has a long way to go in his life, and I am under no illusions that he will have an easy time of it, but it's really hard to just write off someone you loved so much. So maybe I am crazy, but in a way I feel a bit happier knowing that for now, he's ok. And that I really meant something to him. And that maybe my writing to him could help him too.
I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Yeah. But. THIS, this can of worms I opened up... This may be right up there with the time I thought holding my yet-to be-declawed cat while wearing a short sleeved shirt and trying to take him on the balcony would be a good idea. Although, the gashes in my arms DID heal eventually...
So, are you all dying of curiosity yet? (Those of you who still read my blog, I mean!) Fine. I am loathe to admit it, but here goes. AND? As I know for a fact that my brother, mother and father NEVER read this, I would be much obliged if those of you who know them would keep this to yourself for the time being.
Yes, it's THAT bad. See, last week I was doing my routine check of all the jails in the Illinois area, and guess who landed in County Jail on St. Patrick's day? I'll give you a hint: he is the male lead in "TBOTE." Yup, none other than my tragically lost Kevin. And probably because I was feeling nostalgic, and life has been a bit overwhelming, and maybe because I am a bit of a fool, I wrote him a letter.
And mailed it.
When I told a select few friends, they all asked, "You didn't put a return address, did you?" To which I replied, "Of course I did - how else would he write back?"
Duh. Yeah, I mean, Kevin had been harmless in the past, but this is like his second or third stint in jail, and it's been like twelve years, and the charges weren't listed, and...? I have a tendency to overlook anything bad and just remember good things. It never really occurred to me that he could show up on my doorstep with a gun and a smile and kill me in my sleep. Ok, so that is a bit extreme, but if I was really being honest with myself I would have to admit that I really didn't know him anymore. And just because he would never have hurt me in the past didn't mean that he was still a basically nice guy with some issues - he could now be some drug-crazed, brain-addled psychotic.
Who I just wrote a letter to telling him how disappointed I was to see him in jail again and that he should really think about getting help. Because I still thought about him (true) and still cared about him (well, the "him" I knew, anyway), and because look how awesome MY life turned out when I straightened up. Oh, and that I was sorry about his mother. Since she died and all.
Yes, I was lecturing an ex that I hadn't seen in over a decade who was now in jail and probably wouldn't appreciate my "concern." Maybe it WASN'T such a great idea. But it was too late.
Then - SURPRISE! I get a letter. A SEVEN PAGE letter. From Kevin. Who still cares about me. Who still talked about me - most recently to his cellmate, just the other day. Who couldn't believe how strange it was that just when he had been talking about me, he gets a letter from me.
I have to admit, I cried. It really hurt reading his words and thinking about the past - the good times with Kev. Because despite everything, there were a LOT of good times. The big problem was the drugs. And? In his letter Kevin said the same thing. Said that for the last 8 years, he has been trying to stay clean. That his sister had been helping him out. That he was so glad I was living a happy life.
In fact, he pretty much told me everything that happened that led to this most current arrest. Apparently, he had been doing really well, had his own place, a good job, was clean and doing meetings daily - then he found out his dad had cancer. And he sat at home and got really drunk. Alone. And broke into a garage and stole a bike with a flat tire (my favorite line? "I know - I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box sometimes." Because to hear him admit that when I've known it all along... at least when it comes to getting into trouble. We're talking about a guy who got busted stealing a snowblower at 3 AM in the middle of July - and trying to say he was just borrowing it from a friend.) And he called an ex-girlfriend who also was an addict who came over and they got high and long story short, she took the bike out, got arrested, and got Kevin arrested too.
Since then, he has been in treatment in jail, and his sister has hired an attorney and he plans to live with her again and start all over. Which is good. He sounds so optimistic about everything, and even though I could be a sucker for this - I believe him. I really think he can make this work. He thanked me for my letter, and for the constructive criticism, and said he was glad I was happy. And he asked if I could write again, and maybe send some pictures. And you know what? I just did. This time, I told him to hang in there, to keep focused, to get better. And I told him that it would be nice to be friends again if he were to stay sober.
The thing is, I feel pretty confident in myself that after all this time, I would never fall back into old habits. I have too much good in my life now, and can't even imagine going back down that road. Not even Kevin can bring me back there, because I am not the sheltered 22 year old girl he used to know. I am strong, and independent, and happy. I know Kevin has a long way to go in his life, and I am under no illusions that he will have an easy time of it, but it's really hard to just write off someone you loved so much. So maybe I am crazy, but in a way I feel a bit happier knowing that for now, he's ok. And that I really meant something to him. And that maybe my writing to him could help him too.
I guess we'll have to wait and see.
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