You know, I just read Amber's newest post - one that has apparently been a long time in the making. And I can totally relate to how she feels. On a different level, of course. But she made me think a lot about myself and my blogging (or lack thereof, as the case may be). I miss it too. But for whatever reason, it just seems so damn difficult now. Just like TBOTE. It's all "up here," but for whatever reason, it just never makes it to print. I know I have let down a lot of people with that, too, because the story is just kind of hanging, and I feel really bad. But it just isn't happening now.
And I look back at my early blogs and I smile and laugh and when I do get around to reading all MY favorite bloggers, I realize how much I miss them too. What happened? There was a time when I made a point of reading everyone on my blogroll first thing in the am, when I couldn't WAIT for Satan to take a day off or leave early or even just take a long phone call so I could blog myself and comment as much as I wanted. Now, I think "eh," and forget about it.
Which makes me sad, because then I think about how I have probably lost most of my cyber-buddies because I myself have become such a god-awful cyber-buddy. THEN, I post one new blog and see comments from the likes of Amber, and Alice, and Rick, and Cheryl and I get all sentimental and think "they're still THERE! They DO still like me!" Which makes me feel like I am a total sap and am probably losing my mind as well. You know, since I feel like crying over comments on my blog.
Anyway, as far as losing myself, I also feel dangerously close to doing so. Because having two jobs, and a daughter, and two cats, and a puppy makes me forget about the little things - like how important it is to do things for ME every once in a while. And how Lexie is being so damn supportive and understanding when I come home EXHAUSTED and go to bed at like 7:30 pm (like I did last night) or when I am crabby and snap at her for no reason - she really deserves more of my time and I need to make a point of letting her know how much I appreciate her... and how I really shouldn't feel guilty if I want to use my ONE day off to just relax with my daughter instead of doing whatever it is whoever wants or expects me to do.
I feel like I have been shutting out a lot of people, both in cyberspace and in the "real world," and believe me, it is not intentional. I love all the people in my life so much and it makes me feel bad knowing that I've been doing that, on purpose or not. But at this juncture in my life, I can't afford to give up either job - especially when my job with Satan is ending in November and I have no prospects on the horizon. I need to keep moving forward and keep doing what I have to do, but I also need to slow it down a bit. I'm not quite sure how I am going to do that yet, but I'm going to try...!
Know what? I'm not even sure any of this entry made sense, but I think I'll post it anyway. I thank all of you who continue to check on me and comment, and hopefully you'll continue to bear with me. Maybe someday I'll start making more sense, and maybe someday I'll be struck by inspiration and get another chapter cranked out, who knows? In the meantime, I need to just focus on taking things one day at a time...
3 comments:
just so you know, i keep checking back for your *regular* posts... TBOTE was awesome, but not the main reason i come over ;-)
Sweetie, yer gonna hafta kill yer blog to make me go away.
Trust me when I say, we all have our "eh" moments. But we're all still here too. Cause you're right--the cyber-bond is strong and it does mean something.
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