When did writing become a chore rather than something I enjoy? I’ve never been good at doing what I’ve been told, and when I feel like I HAVE to do something, it ultimately becomes something I no longer want to do. I know that technically there is no one standing over me forcing me to write, but still – I feel almost as though there is. So the words still won’t come.
It’s actually scaring me a little… because writing is the one thing in life I know I can do – and do well. If I lose that, then what?
I may be unemployed as of January 1st, which actually would be preferable by me than the alternative: continuing working through the end of March but then receive no severance. At least if a transfer happens on 1/1, I would get my three months’ severance and have that time to find something new. And maybe rest. And maybe write.
I don’t think I am depressed – on the contrary, I am too blasé about the thought of being unemployed to be depressed. Actually, even if I lose my day job, I’ll still be employed. Waitressing may not be my career of choice, but it’ll do if it has to temporarily.
I think my mind is just on overload right now. That has to be it. Between work, work, Lexie, the holidays, and the drudgery of daily life there doesn’t seem to be an unoccupied space in my creative genius of a mind right now. I’ll need to make some room in there soon…
And I truly appreciate all your kind words and thoughts while I am in repose – even though I am also slacking in the comments department, I still am reading all of you regularly. And still enjoying every word I read.
So… I guess this is just another poor excuse for a post. My apologies – again.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Much Ado About Nothing
I… just… can’t… DO IT!!!!! I don’t know why, but I just CAN’T write more TBOTE. At least, not now. I mean, it’s all there (duh – I lived it), I just can’t get it on paper. Or blog, for that matter. I guess this is my first very severe case of writer’s block. Thank God I am not under some sort of deadline or I’d really be screwed. I realize I am letting people down, and that I am sooo overdue on a chapter it is bordering on pathetic, but it just isn’t happening. Every time I read the last chapter I wrote, I just sit there and stare at the last sentence and think, “Ok, here we go…” only, nothing happens. Maybe if I stop trying so hard… In any case, I have a feeling this may take some time. Sorry, but that’s the chance you take when you read a work in progress – the possibility that there is no progress!! Sigh. This really sucks.
Things are NOT looking very good at the office, either. Nice attorney has packed up everything in his office and asked me if I could help him transfer all his files onto a disc from the hard drive. Ummmmm, sure… You going somewhere, buddy? He wasn’t very straightforward, but did mention that he had nowhere near the amount of money Satan wanted for a buyout. Then he asked me when his last check would be if he worked through the last day of the year. Definitely NOT a good sign. The fact that I am covered for at least three months is nice, but three months isn’t all that long in the grand scheme of things. And then there is the worry that if nice attorney leaves on the 31st, Satan will expect me to do M’s work, my work, AND nice attorney’s work (what I can do without a law degree, at least) so he can wrap things up here – and tell me in advance I’ll be gone in three months, which would keep me working until the bitter end with (technically) no severance at all. THAT would really suck. And yet? Not really feeling the stress right now. I’m probably in denial or something.
RL is still going well, although I seem to have a problem with the busboys. Vicious circle, actually. See, when I started my actual serving on my own, I wasn’t making a whole hell of a lot since I could only have two tables at a time. Hence, I only tipped out the busboys the minimum. Apparently they now think that I am a cheap bitch, and make no effort to help me out at all – I essentially wind up doing everything “busboy-ish” except for wiping down the table. Which pisses me off, and makes me continue to tip them minimally. And I’m assuming that pisses them off, so they continue to not help. See what I mean? I tried talking to the one decent busser (who I tip well since he is so AWESOME) and according to him, I shouldn’t worry, because most of them are lazy kids anyway. So I guess I’ll just keep busting my ass and keeping ALL of my tip money myself. Whatever.
On a final note, I actually did it. I cut my hair. Well, I didn’t cut it, but you know what I mean. Just about ten inches off – it’s now just past my shoulders. So it is still “long,” just not ridiculously long. And I love it. If I ever get a decent picture taken, I’ll post it so you all can see.
Well, that’s about it, I guess. Satan is due in any minute, and I should do some actual work while I still have a job, I guess. Kind of funny, really, since I am starting to care less and less about the work that has to be done since it seems it’s all coming to an end, anyway… Oh well. I guess I should look on the bright side – maybe I’ll recover from my writer’s block if I’m unemployed and bored… or maybe I’ll just start watching even more tv…
Things are NOT looking very good at the office, either. Nice attorney has packed up everything in his office and asked me if I could help him transfer all his files onto a disc from the hard drive. Ummmmm, sure… You going somewhere, buddy? He wasn’t very straightforward, but did mention that he had nowhere near the amount of money Satan wanted for a buyout. Then he asked me when his last check would be if he worked through the last day of the year. Definitely NOT a good sign. The fact that I am covered for at least three months is nice, but three months isn’t all that long in the grand scheme of things. And then there is the worry that if nice attorney leaves on the 31st, Satan will expect me to do M’s work, my work, AND nice attorney’s work (what I can do without a law degree, at least) so he can wrap things up here – and tell me in advance I’ll be gone in three months, which would keep me working until the bitter end with (technically) no severance at all. THAT would really suck. And yet? Not really feeling the stress right now. I’m probably in denial or something.
RL is still going well, although I seem to have a problem with the busboys. Vicious circle, actually. See, when I started my actual serving on my own, I wasn’t making a whole hell of a lot since I could only have two tables at a time. Hence, I only tipped out the busboys the minimum. Apparently they now think that I am a cheap bitch, and make no effort to help me out at all – I essentially wind up doing everything “busboy-ish” except for wiping down the table. Which pisses me off, and makes me continue to tip them minimally. And I’m assuming that pisses them off, so they continue to not help. See what I mean? I tried talking to the one decent busser (who I tip well since he is so AWESOME) and according to him, I shouldn’t worry, because most of them are lazy kids anyway. So I guess I’ll just keep busting my ass and keeping ALL of my tip money myself. Whatever.
On a final note, I actually did it. I cut my hair. Well, I didn’t cut it, but you know what I mean. Just about ten inches off – it’s now just past my shoulders. So it is still “long,” just not ridiculously long. And I love it. If I ever get a decent picture taken, I’ll post it so you all can see.
Well, that’s about it, I guess. Satan is due in any minute, and I should do some actual work while I still have a job, I guess. Kind of funny, really, since I am starting to care less and less about the work that has to be done since it seems it’s all coming to an end, anyway… Oh well. I guess I should look on the bright side – maybe I’ll recover from my writer’s block if I’m unemployed and bored… or maybe I’ll just start watching even more tv…
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