Bad Boys

I used to be young.  And hot.  And I took it for granted that every guy stared at me and wanted me and the ball was always in MY court.  It was fun.  I'm not going to lie - I loved the attention, and I doled out MY attention sparingly.  The problem was, the guys I DID pay attention to were always the wrong boys.

The hot boys.

The cocky boys.

The arrogant boys.

The bad boys.

I loved the thrill of a guy who gave me that hooded gaze, the guy who smirked at me knowingly, the guy who made me squirm uncomfortably with just a look. I loved the danger.  I loved making out in parked cars on deserted streets.  I loved sneaking out and driving around the neighborhood after curfew and pulling over to make out and drink beers.

I had plenty of nice guys that wanted to date me.  And I tried.  Really, I did.  But I got too bored too easily too fast.  I didn't WANT to be the nice Catholic girl I was raised to be - I wanted MORE.   And good Lord, I got it.

I got a DUI.

I got a drug addiction.

I got an unwanted pregnancy.

But...  I had FUN.  Living life recklessly, with total abandon, was the way I WANTED to live.  Sure, there were consequences and casualties, but damnit, I LIVED.  And then life caught up to me.

The addiction became too much.  The people became to stifling.  And I was pregnant again.

This time, I kept the baby.  Almost twenty years later, I have absolutely no regrets.  My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  She drew me away from the life that I was hypnotized by.  She made me a mother, a recovering addict, a productive member of society.

But still...

I miss the days of reckless abandon. I miss fucking the "rules."  I say I want a partner in life, but what I really crave is a partner in crime.  Even at forty something years of age, all it takes is for a hot guy to tell me I am beautiful and give me a sexy smirk for me to completely melt.  Putty.  DONE.

I still want the bad boy.  I want the guy who makes me feel like a woman - the guy who makes me shiver with his words.  The guy whose touch sends chills down my spine.  The guy who makes me feel young and sexy again.

Maybe this is unrealistic, but you know what?  I don't care.  I am a strong, independent woman.  I have built my own life from the ground up, and depend ONLY on myself.  I don't necessarily need a husband, or a provider.  I need a man who will make me feel like God's gift - not just another housewife.

So in the meantime, I will keep on living my life.  And when I run across these men, whether they're "good" for me or not, I will take full advantage .  Because I deserve it.  Every woman deserves it.  Whether it's for a lifetime or an evening, every woman deserves to be worshipped and spoiled.  Every woman deserves to be told she is beautiful and to feel sexy.  And who cares if it is just for a night?  Sometimes a reminder is all you need to get you back on track.

So enjoy it when you can.