Reflections...

So wow - no posts in over a year. Actually, I am pretty ashamed of myself. Writing was always the one thing I could count on in my life, and to go without writing for over a year...  well - it's pretty pathetic.  Then again, I DID write a few more chapters of TBOTE (unpublished as of yet), so I guess I haven't been TOTALLY dormant.  I have had a lot on my mind, but for some reason, the words just weren't flowing to paper (or laptop) as they used to.  But tonight I watched St. Elmo's Fire (again) and it had me sobbing and missing my writing.

I remember the first time I watched that, relating to Jules and thinking how I never thought I would be so tired at 22 either.  Well, now I am 45, and I am EXHAUSTED.  My daughter is 19, I am still alone, and still working two jobs.  Since I last wrote, I have lost people who were very close to me (both in the physical sense and the emotional sense), and I have built new and (hopefully) lasting relationships.  I have lost my home in foreclosure, but in doing so, have found a new home that I am head over heels in love with.  I have spend many a night lying in bed and wondering what happened to my life - weighing the good and the bad and pitting them against each other over and over again.  Sometimes the good wins, sometimes the other way around.  Depends on my mood, I guess.

The funny thing is, I keep forgetting that I am OLD.  I work with younger people at RL, and I can still relate to them.  The friends I still keep in touch with - well, some of them are GRANDMAS now.  How bizarre is that?  And I am still living my life, one day at a time, waiting for my happy ending,

Because I WILL have a happy ending.

Or will I?

Now that I am technically in my "mid-40's," that seems less and less likely.  I mean, I have always been the one to proudly proclaim, "I manage just fine on my own.  I don't NEED a man.  I live my OWN life, the way I want to."  But really?  It's getting a bit old and tired.

Most of my friends have settled down.  The ones who are single are most likely divorced.  And it seems like even THOSE women manage to go out and date.  Me?  I haven't had a date in over a year.  And that guy wound up in a quite happy relationship with my favorite cousin and best friend (don't even ask - it still hurts).  Before that?  About eight years.  Is it from lack of trying?  Maybe.  I mean, I DO work two jobs and don't really get a chance to get out too often.  As far as online dating - well, that was how I met the last guy.  All I can say about that is it worked out quite well for my cousin.

I THINK I am a pretty good person.  I mean, I know I have my issues.  I'm pretty sure everyone does. But overall, I think I am a pretty decent catch.  Maybe I need to lose a few pounds, I mean, I am definitely not the size 5 I used to be.  As Trace Adkins would say, I definitely have a "honky-tonk badonkadonk."  This bothers the HELL out of me, but it is what it is.  I am a full-figured woman, and even if I DO manage to lose a few pounds, I will never look the way I looked in college.  Or my 20's.  Or some of my 30's.

So how do I meet Mr. Wonderful?  How do I get MY happy ending?  My daughter is practically out of the house, and almost every minute I am at home, I am alone.  And know what?  It SUCKS.  I am sooooo tired of being the "strong independent single mom."  I'm exhausted from pretending I am so goddamn happy all the time.  I cry in my pillow wondering if I have already lived all the years worth living.

Sigh.  Melodrama at its finest. Aren't you glad I started writing again...?