Fuzzy Observations

Wow - it's been a long time since I posted something while somewhat - er- "under the influence." And the funny thing is, it was only to watch the finale of "ER" and unwind. But somehow I found myself bawling like a baby at practically every scene -including the "pre-show" interview special.

But in my defense, there was really valid reason for my reactions. ER always has very moving storylines that hit home. Tonight was no exception. They had one that involved a 17-year old with alcohol poisoning. Who was playing "I Never." And won. First of all, I used to play "I Never." I usually didn't win, because by the time I would be able to drink at every statement, I was too old to really play the game anymore. But this girl won. And nearly died. I couldn't help but look at Lexie and say "PLEASE promise me..." to which she sneered, "MOM - I wouldn't!" Of course, if I were to go by her MySpace posts, I would know that she has already at least TRIED alcohol. Which scares the hell out of me because I always thought I would be the cool mom who knew everything, who my daughter would always talk to. And she isn't. Instead, I find things out by sneaking onto her MySpace web page. And I don't want her to wind up like me. I don't want her to drink to be cool, to do drugs because her boyfriend does, to escape because she is uncomfortable in her own skin. I always thought I would be the cool mom, the one who she told EVERYTHING to - but alas, it seems I was way off.

My daughter will ALWAYS think of me as the enemy, the "old" person, the one who "doesn't know anything." And GOD, I wish she knew. I wish she knew all the hell I went through in high school, the suicide attempt in college, the ridiculous number of guys I slept with in college and beyond to prove I was WORTH something.... the hopelessness I felt while using, the shame and fear I felt after being raped, the inadequacy I STILL feel on a daily basis, no matter how succcessful or mature or old I become.

I am TERRIFIED that no matter what I do, my daughter will wind up going down the same path I did - and all I will be able to do is watch helplessly. I have nightmares that my little girl will suffer and hurt and cry as much as I did for so many years - and that she will cut herself off from me and isolate herself as I did. I know she is only 13, I know I didn't get into anything until my 20's - but what if I did it?? What if I gave her the gene to make her like I was? What if it kicks in early? What then????

I am scared, and alone, and all I do is work my ass off and make money and be strict with my daughter and watch tv and sleep... I have no time for me, or for fun, or for a significant other... and you know what? It really sucks. I HATE being 40 and and alone and so damn tired. I hate that every waking minute I am either working or bitching at my daughter. I hate bitching at my daughter - but all that is, really, is a manifestation of my fear. My fear that I am not a good enough mother, that I am not there enough, that I am not involved enough to make a real difference in my daughter's life. That I will let her down, like I let down my father, and mother, and brother, and hell - everyone who has ever been close to me.

And then there was the backstory on ER about the couple who had been together for 72 years - and the wife was dying. One word - Poppops. I think I pretty much manage to convince myself that he's still around... it's only when I really think about it that it hits me - he's gone. Oh, shit, this sucks. Now I remember why I don't drink. Because it brings to light everything about my life that I try to ignore when I am sober.

Like that fact that I am a loser. And I do a pathetic job of pretending I am still young and hot and cool (see that? Is "cool" even an acceptable term nowadays?). And although I am desperately lonely - I would rather leave people guessing as to my sexualuty due to my lack of relationships that make any kind of effort to find the man of my dreams (yes, man, that part of my life is not in question). I don't know. I really don't. I wish I did - it would make thing so much easier.

All I do know is that I am probably one of the better actresses in this country - only I waste my talent working for the US Attorney's office. Because I have everyone convinced I am this amazing, strong woman who has this awesome life. Yeah. That's me.

How about we go out for a drink? After a few, you may take off those rose-colored glasses.